International Retro Review: BROS BEFORE HOS

He’s back! Our Dutch correspondent Leopardo takes his finger out of his nearest dyke for long enough to send us another International Retro Review – Bros Before Hos. We are a broad church here at Last Movie Outpost and this makes us happy for two reasons. Firstly, because it gives me a chance to try and find some new Dutch jokes, and secondly because we really, truly love an Outposter contribution. If you have something you want to tell your fellow Outposters about, from the world of movies, streaming, television, entertainment, or gaming, then send it to us at contactus@lastmovieoutpost.com.

Now here is the greatest export from the Netherlands since Ruud Gullit, Leopardo.

Bros Before Hos (2013)

AKA Bro’s Before Ho’s, or any other variation. I know it has been a while since I have retro-reviewed a Dutch movie for you guys. I apologise! But the wait is over, here is a new review!

Today’s movie will be Bro’s Before Ho’s, as the movie was titled originally, or Bros Before Hos, as it was titled after someone read an English grammar book directly before the movie was released. The embarrassing original title slipped into the first press materials and onto some streaming services (HBOMax) were it is still listed like that. Dutch people are said to speak English very well, but writing it is a different story apparently.

About The Movie

This movie is a comedy made by, and starring, many of the people you might remember from the New Kids movies. Or not. It’s basically a romantic comedy with the romance dialled down to a minimum. The wafer-thin story is an excuse to set up gross and offensive gags, most of them misogynistic. So I guess if it could find an audience somewhere, it would be here.

It’s currently rated 6.4 on IMDB, which I think is fair. It’s not much of a movie, but at 1 hour 24 minutes it doesn’t wear out it’s welcome. If you like inappropriate comedy bits interspersed by something resembling plot, you’ll enjoy yourself here.

The Cast

It’s mostly the guys from New Kids and their comedian buddies. Set your VPN to the Netherlands and you could watch some of those comedians’ stand-up material on Netflix. Some familiar faces if you’re Dutch, not so much if you’re not. You might know Sylvia Hoeks though, she was Luv in Blade Runner 2049 and more recently Queen Kane in AppleTV’s See.

Tim Haars – Max, a traditional sad sack character destined to get the girl. Oh, right. Spoilers.

Daniël Arends – Jules, Max’s brother and romantic rival. Does not get the girl in the end but does get her a few times before Max does.

Henry van Loon – René, best friend

Theo Maassen – Bart, security guard

Sylvia Hoeks – Anna, hot MacGuffin

The Plot

Max and Jules are brothers. As Max points out in the voiceover at the start, the brown one is adopted. As the movie opens with a flashback, we find out that they grew up in a broken home. Their parents split up in their early childhood, and their father reminds them in no uncertain terms that all women are evil bitches and they should never have a relationship.

So now in their late twenties/ early thirties that is how they live their lives. Max works in a Videocorner movie rental shop (think Blockbuster but without the glamour) and Jules manages the local supermarket. Both of them are horrible characters. Jules because he is a misogynist asshole, and Max even more so because you get the idea that he actually isn’t but goes along with his brother anyway. Their days are filled with their boring jobs (Jules’ day is less boring because he is surrounded by young female shop assistants, who he treats like garbage) and their nights are spent in clubs, using sad stories to get women to sleep with them. It works, but Max laments always ending up with the ugly ones.

So of course, when Anna comes into their lives, Max falls in love, Jules gets to her first, treats her like garbage and whether Max will end up with her is treated like a movie mystery.

There is also a subplot involving Anna’s mentally disabled brother and his porn addiction, and a subplot about best friend René and his shaky relationship with his out-of-his-league girlfriend, but it’s mostly padding to get more gross gags in.

The ending can be spotted from miles away, but how the movie gets there can be pretty funny. This movie punches down, but ironically, like Family Guy does. Like, it’ll be so in-your-face racist or misogynist, you’re supposed to think they are just doing it to show how horrible the characters are. It doesn’t completely pull this off every time. For example, if a character says:

“Mentally disabled people are disgusting perverts who should be kept locked up…”

…that would be a horrible character the audience can hate. But if the movie just shows you that mentally disabled people are disgusting perverts who should be kept locked up, you can’t really hide behind a character. Still, it is pretty funny mostly.