Sigh, I drew the short straw and so I reviewed Ahsoka. Star Wars is dead to me, but there is a little voice in my head telling me that it might be good. I need to kill that voice, but I can’t, I still hold out a small glimmer of hope.

Going into Ahsoka, my expectations were low, really low, so low you couldn’t see it under 50 feet of crap. The first two episodes weren’t terrible, but they are certainly not good. I will go into very minor spoilers, but honestly, who cares?

Ahsoka – Episode 1

There is a crawl, in red lettering that scrolls straight up, not at an angle, like in the movies. There is also no John Williams music, thank goodness! The crawl explains how the Empire has fallen and now they are looking for Thrawn. They need a map to do this. Hmm, they need a map to find a special person. I feel like I’ve heard that before somewhere, but I just can’t place it.

We are then on some ship, with some random crew who are all going to die. They are waiting for a ship to turn up, which turns out to have some Jedi on it. They aren’t Jedi, they are Sith, well, have red lightsabres, and they kill the crew and rescue some woman.


The woman is Morgan Elsbeth, someone who worked with Thrawn and wants to bring him out of exile. The two Sith types are Baylan Skoll and Shin Hati, played by Ray Stevenson and Ivanna Sakhno. I’m not sure if they are Sith or not, but they are mercs of some kind working for Morgan.

The next scene was right out of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Ahsoka is looking for the map to Thrawn as well and is in an ancient ruin. She solves a puzzle and gets the map. As she leaves, she is confronted by five robots and she fights them and wins. Shocker.

When the robots start to lose, one of them orders the others to initiate self-destruct. The other robots comply, but take about a minute to blow up. This gives our hero time to run away and be safe. Phew, there was almost some danger there!


We are then on another planet. I recall where since I simply didn’t care enough at this point. A governor is giving a speech and it is supposed to be thanking Sabine, but she’s not there. She’s a young girl, with multi-colored hair, who doesn’t listen to authority and lives life by her own rules. Stunning and brave.

She’s on a speeder, on a highway, in a desert. If you literally have flying bikes, why did someone build a freeway? Talk about wasting money, and I just don’t just mean Disney on this show.

Sabine is the typical female heroine you will see in a hundred other movies and shows these days. Nothing new, nothing original, a clone of every other character. Ahsoka knows that Sabine can unlock the map and goes to see her.

Sabine is told not to remove the map from the ship, so she immediately removes the map from the ship. Sabine manages to open the map, but in the most simplistic way ever that somehow a robot could never have figured out. Stunning and brave.

And then, shock of shocks, Sabine is attacked by Shin, since you have to have a bit of girl-on-girl action. This fight was actually pretty good, apart from the fact you know that everyone will be fine and the map will go missing.

Sabine is stabbed through the chest, but she’s fine. You know how Storm Troopers, or Red Shirts in Star Trek, take a mild cut to the ankle and die instantly? If you’re the main character, you can take a lightsabre to the chest and you’ll be fine. Apart from Qui Gon, but then again, he’s a man.

Episode 2

I forget some of the details of this episode, so forgive me. It’s not a good sign that I just finished it and I can barely remember anything about it. Ahsoka rescues a robot that then Sabine fixes. In this scene, she says something about bringing the memory core back online, something which no one else in the history of Star Wars seems to have thought of before. Stunning and brave.

Anyway, Ahsoka meets up with Hera Syndulla, who’s now a general. If you don’t know who Hera is, I’ll get on to that at the moment. They meet at an old Imperial shipyard and a ship tries to escape. Hera chases them and manages to put a tracker on them juuuuuuust before they jump to hyperspace. Phew.


Ahsoka has to deal with a Sith and a robot in a very generic lightsabre fight. I miss Nick Gillard. The map gets back to Morgan, she finds where Thrawn is, the end.


You can sum up Ahsoka in two words: More content. As I have said before, the more you add to Star Wars, the less special it becomes. This show isn’t terrible, but it’s certainly not good. Both the IMDb and Shill Central Rotten Tomatoes have it scored 8.8 out of 10 or 93% and 91%. I can honestly say these figures are rigged. There is no way this series is that good.

Obviously, all of the characters are women, even the emo Sith girl. The good thing is at least they are all hot. Sabine is played by Natasha Liu Bordizzo, who is cute. Well, until the end of the second episode, where she gives herself a lesbian haircut to be the ‘real her’. Stunning and brave.

The other thing they got wrong about Sabine is that she seems to be in love with Ezra. I thought women didn’t fall in love anymore? This is all wrong. Hopefully, with her new haircut, she’ll end up in a three-way with Hera and Ahsoka. I really, really hope this happens actually.

The other stupid thing about this series is if you haven’t seen Scene 23, from Episode 3 of Season 4 of Star Wars Rebels, Scene 7 from Episode 2 of Season 7 of Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and probably Scene 4 from Episode 6 of Season 2 of Picard, then you don’t know why Sabine is missing Ezra. I have an idea of what has happened, but I honestly don’t understand most of the motivations of the characters.

It’s obvious the shills are shilling and the companies are doing what they can to show how good this show is. It’s a good thing the Last Movie Outpost hasn’t sold out and you’ll get an honest review, no matter what.

Ahsoka is as bad as you expect. It all looks like it’s on a green screen, the story is predictable and it’s just more content for the Disney fanboys to consume. I might make it to the end of the series, but if I give up, it’s no significant loss.

I’m giving Ahsoka Episodes 1 and 2, 1 out of 5 stars. There’s nothing major going on, I didn’t see Star Wars Rebels, so I’m not invested in the characters that much and, overall, it’s just dull.

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