May The 4th – AKA Star Wars Day – remains a thing. Some people keep this going. You can see them all there, in the failed Disney theme parks, or at the D23 events, whooping and waving their lightsabers around. Young fools. Only now, at the end, do they understand… except they still don’t. They keep on paying for this stuff, which only encourages Lucasfilm even more. Did you see the trailer to The Acolyte? Christ on a bike!
If you feel a strange urge to punish yourself, while at the same time being depressingly reminded of how good it used to be, then we have an event for you!
Lucasfilm announced yesterday today that in celebration of the 25th anniversary of Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, the movie that signalled the beginning of the end of Star Wars, fans will have the chance to experience the entire Skywalker Saga in theaters on May the 4th.
All nine episodic films will screen in chronological order starting with the prequels from The Phantom Menace through to Revenge of the Sith.
If absolute bullshit, like the least convincing turn to evil in modern cinema and high ground-related stupidity, hasn’t finished you off then you can get some brief respite with the original trilogy.
After this, you are on your own, as the true terror of the sequel trilogy will unfurl between your eyes and you get to see the heroes you just spent six hours growing to love being destroyed before your very eyes by a group of people who seem like they have never seen a Star Wars movie.
Somehow Palpatine will return, and somehow you will have just managed to sit through the pigswill that was the sequels.
If that wasn’t enough to make you avoid this like the fucking plague, the screenings will apparently include an an exclusive look at The Acolyte, so effectively allowing Lucasfilm, to rub shit in your eyes while screaming at you that they hate you.
Still, at least you will receive a special limited edition poster. Tickets go on sale Friday at 9am US-PT.
But wait! That is not all. As part of a month long celebration, they are releasing some new products. One of these is blue milk!
The Star Wars TruMoo Blue Milk is by Dairy Farmers of America and is described as a “delicious vanilla-flavored milk” with blue food coloring. You too can drink whatever the moisture farmers of Tatooine have for breakfast before going out and searching for runaway droids.
It arrives in stores on April 17th.
These are different from the blue and green drinks available at Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge.
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