It’s hard to find new things to watch which might actually be good. I was happy to see Mission: Impossible the other day, but apart from that, there isn’t much to look forward to. Transformers: Rise of the Beasts is now online, so I thought I would give it a try.
I had low expectations, in fact, I don’t think I have seen the last couple of Transformer movies, how many have there been now? I know I started Bumblebee, but never finished it, since it was just the original movie but with a girl instead of Shia LaBeouf. It was fine if you were an 8-year-old.
Transformers: Rise of the Bests stars Anthony Ramos, Dominique Fishback, Luna Lauren Velez, Dean Scott Vazquez, Tobe Nwigwe and the voice of Peter Cullen. It has famous voices, but honestly, I was embarrassed for all concerned.
Rise of the Beasts is directed by Steven Caple Jr. and written by Joby Harold, Darnell Metayer and Josh Peter. Written is a strong word since I think most of it must have been done by A.I. There will be spoilers, which I will label, but honestly, it doesn’t matter, you do not need to see this movie.
The movie starts on some planet where there are some transformers who have taken on the likeness of gorillas. Millions of miles from Earth and they look like gorillas, from Earth. Unicron is a planet-eating bad guy and he wants a Transwarp Key to be able to destroy the universe. Optimus Pimal, yes, that’s the name they went with, escapes and is now in charge and hides on Earth, with the key.
Jump to 1994 in Brooklyn and we meet Noah Diaz, played by Ramos. He’s a whizz kid, obviously, who has to look after his brother who’s sick and his single-parent mother, obviously. Long story short, he ends up trying to steal a car, which turns out to be Mirage. Mirage ignores the fact that he was trying to steal him and invites him to a secret meeting with the Autobots. Optimus Prime, and the others, have seen the transwarp key being used and need to stop whatever is coming through.
The key was activated by Elena Wallace, played by Fishback. She is an intern working in a museum who knows more about history than Indiana Jones. She’s an expert on every item that passes through the museum but is always put down by her white female boss, obviously.
Scourge, the leader of the Terrorcons, turns up and there is a fight. Prime, the mighty warrior is overpowered and gets his ass kicked, obviously. This is where the story craps in the bed. It gave the impression that Prime was ready to give up and just not bother, but it was Noah is the one that will save the day. Yes, Prime plays second fiddle to a teenage black kid.
The key is in two parts, they need the other part, which is in Peru. Prime wants to use it to go home, but Noah wants to secretly destroy it to stop Unicron. Filler for an hour, the other transformers turn up, there’s a big battle and they win the end. I know I should have spoilered that, but how did you think it was going to go?
As I said, none of this matters, since this movie isn’t worth watching, but here are some utterly stupid things about the ending. All of the transformers are too big to get into anywhere, but it’s OK since they have two random humans who they can exploit. The girl is utterly pointless and the movie could have carried on without her. She knows everything about history, archaeology and even alien markings to save the day, but there was no need for her to be there.
Noah is the hero of the piece, from being better than Optimus Prime to even saving Prime’s life at the end. There’s going to be a battle with Scourge and Prime (not like in the opening, where Prime got his ass handed to him), this time Noah is here. But Phil, how can a twenty-something young man stand against a transformer? This is answered by, sigh, Mirage basically turns Noah into Ironman. As Mirage is protecting him, he literally straps part of himself to Noah and Noah now gains a super-suit. I’m not making this up.
They beat Scourge and Prime offers to sacrifice himself to stop Unicron, but no, Noah saves him. At this point my eyes had rolled so far back into my own head, I was staring at my arse.
Do you remember when the Transformers series was on Saturday mornings for kids? Do you remember any of the stories? No, well, this is what the movies are now becoming. Churned-out movies for kids, with big robots, explosions and a storyline show horned in there somewhere.
There is a lot of talent making the movie seem to be hard-working and know their stuff, but it’s pointless when the movie is just content. Sure, a handful of Transformer fans might like this, but anyone with an IQ about room temperature will give it a hard pass.
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts just don’t bother.
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