As you know, nothing pleases us here at LMO HQ more than alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. Coming a close second after that is when we receive a contribution from one of you, our beloved Outposters. Now, thanks to the tireless efforts behind the scenes since our tech issues, we can now receive them again! Hot out of the blocks is Outposter Hawkzino, who has been thinking about Star Wars.
Not the quality, or not, of the movies and TV shows themselves, but about the actual titles and their meaning in connection to the movies they are attached to. Here he is…
Today, for no reason, I thought I would rank the Star Wars movies known as “Skywalker Saga” (pass the sick bucket) subtitles in a reverse, Top-of-the-Pops style countdown order saving the best for last.
To be clear, I am ranking only the names of the movies and not the content of the movies themselves.
If you have somehow managed to not see the Star Wars movies, but still want to, you should avoid the rest of the article because there are spoilers within. If you haven’t seen the movies and don’t want to, you should avoid the rest of the article because it won’t make much sense at all. Unless the lyrical quality of my prose proves irresistible, regardless of its content.
If you have seen the movies, you should avoid the rest of the article because you won’t agree with me and it’ll make you mad and life’s too short for that.
For those of us who remain… probably just me screaming into the wind, let’s go:
9. Rise of Skywalker (Episode 9):
If you’d asked me prior to episode 9, I would have said that no title could out-suck The Phantom Menace, but here we are. Rise? Again? Why does everything have to rise? Batman rises. The machines rise. Cobra rises. The Planet of the Apes rises. 300 rises. The bloomin’ Silver Surfer rises. You know what else rises? My dick! And you can suck it! You want to know the one thing that doesn’t rise?
SKYWALKER! He’s still dead!* He died alone in episode 8 on that windy island!
*Yes, I realise that the title isn’t referring to Luke. Apparently, anyone can claim the name now and become a Skywalker if they prove themselves worthy, which I guess Rey does. Or possibly Rey was just lying to that old lady at the end because her real name is Palpatine and that’s a bit like Hitler in space so she was embarrassed and blurted out the coolest name she could think of.
Or maybe she wanted to claim the deed on Luke’s old moisture farm by pretending to be related to him. Not sure really, but I’m possibly rambling. I mean, I’m as big a fan of patriarchal lineages as the next guy, but I’m not that bothered by her claiming the name. It’s mainly the unimaginative ‘rise’ thing that annoys me. Not sure if you got that.
8. The Phantom Menace (Episode 1):
I kind of gave it away already, but next worst title is The Phantom Menace. What does it even mean? Two decades later and it remains a vague, uninspiring, subtly ironic moniker that in hindsight should have set the alarm bells about the prequel trilogy ringing much earlier.
7. A New Hope (Episode 4):
Slightly unfair perhaps, mainly because the episode title was an afterthought, not attached to the movie’s original release but added to the 1978 re-release (George Lucas’ “it’s not broke so let’s fix it” tinkering started earlier than you think). The movie will forever be known as Star Wars to me.
But alas, this bland moniker was foisted upon one of the greatest movies ever made and now we’re stuck with it. In fairness, it did establish the episode naming convention, without which this awesome analysis would never have existed. It also hinted at a much larger story beyond the single movie that had been released. So there’s that, but it also brought unimaginable anxiety to us kids at the time (Episode 4? How did I miss the other 3?).
I’m exaggerating, we were fine.
6. The Force Awakens (Episode 7):
Vague again, although if you watch the movie you’ll understand (I’m still looking for the phantoms in Episode 1). Perhaps vague is exactly what was needed this time, for two reasons:
- It built anticipation for the new movie (what does it mean? Why has the Force been asleep?).
- It didn’t reveal too much of the secret-shrouded plot. Or at least it masked the fact that no plot existed beyond plagiarising Episode 4.
The title’s fine, I guess. I already covered the bad ones. The rest are pretty good.
5. Return of the Jedi (Episode 6):
I might be being a revisionist here because I never had an issue with this title, but once I heard that the original title was Revenge of the Jedi.”
Return just sounded kind of flat. I mean, you return from work, or a shopping trip, or a nice holiday. You don’t “return” after being massacred to near extinction. You’d be all like:
“I’m back and I’m mad, cocksuckers! Motherfucking Sith heads are gonna roll!”
I know revenge is not the Jedi way, but screw them, they’re all dead. What are they going to do? Haunt you as Force ghosts like a bunch of menacing phantoms? Hey, wait a minute.
4. Revenge of the Sith (episode 3):
The most obvious and guessable title of the bunch, but still an effective one. The title works as a direct counterpoint to Episode 6. As I have already illustrated, ‘revenge’ is a better word than ‘return’ so it ranks higher in this list. You didn’t have to be a genius to figure out what the title would be before it was announced. We already knew they changed Revenge of the Jedi at the last minute because revenge wasn’t in a Jedi’s character.
We also knew the Sith were going to win this one and that revenge was definitely in their nature, so it made sense to bring it back. I guessed it, although the less said about my alternative title the better (*cough* Rise of the Sith *cough*). In my defence, this was before the “Rise” epidemic had fully taken hold.
3. The Last Jedi (episode 8):
A simple but effective title, unremarkable on its own but loaded with meaning. A title that heralded the glorious return of the one and only Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master, back to rally the desperate band of rebels and lead them into battle to save the galaxy from the scourge of the First Order.
It’s a shame then that he spent the whole movie on that windy island and died there alone.
2. The Empire Strikes Back (episode 5):
The second movie, episode five, has the second-best title. I have noticed that my analysis has a bias towards “action titles” where something is happening, the threat is imminent and there is an abundance of “k” sounds. It’s pulpy but fun. Somebody does something. It’s not rocket science.
1. Attack of the Clones (episode 2):
Yes that’s right, probably the worst movie of the bunch has the best title. Disappointed? It was a toss-up between this and Empire, but I figured Empire had enough plaudits. Putting it at number one would be too predictable and crowd-pleasing, like bringing back Luke to save the galaxy when instead you could subvert expectations and leave him on a windy island to die alone.
So here’s your number one Star Wars movie subtitle. Deal with it.