For those that haven’t seen Saltburn, from what I’ve heard about it, you ain’t going to want to. But for those of you who are weird, not only will this movie be up your street, but you can now buy a Jacob Elordi scented Saltburn candle.

Hold on a minute I hear you say, there’s nothing wrong with buying a scented candle that smells like one of your favorite actors. Yes, there is. It’s fucking weird let alone when said candle contains the fragrances of Jacob Elordi’s bollocks, his gooch, his starfish and get this, his cum too!


Jacob Elordi


Candle In The Ring

I haven’t seen Saltburn, even though I was tempted to over the Christmas break. However, my future daughter-in-law had seen it and she warned me not to – God bless that young woman!

The reason is there is a particular scene when Barry Keoghan watches Elordi bash his bishop whilst in the bath. Not content with that little act of gay voyeurism, Keoghan then ventures into the bathroom once Elordi has left and decides to lick up Elordi’s Harry Monk from around the tub’s plug hole.

Never to miss an opportunity to capitalize on debauchery, some bright spark has decided to capture the smell of Jacob’s bathtime shenanigans and sell it as a scented candle labeled “Jacob Elordi’s Bathwater”. The product description reads:

There’s nothing quite like the smell of a quality candle, particularly when that smell is inspired by Jacob Elordi and what we imagine His Highness to smell like.


Saltburn Bath


These People Get On My Wick

Of course, selling a scented candle that wreaks off a celebrity’s nether regions isn’t anything new. Gwyneth Paltrow infamously sells candles that smell like her beaver and one that apparently smells like her orgasm. Now, three things to note here:

  1. That Chris Martin dude from Coldplay has been inside Paltrow, so I’m not sure why anyone would want a whiff of his porridge
  2. No way can Chris Martin bring Paltrow to orgasm so this candle either is a remnant from when Brad Pitt was there or it’s a self-induced one
  3. What would her axe wound smell of anyway – beef curtains, kippers, piss – answers in the comments below if you, please


Paltrow Candle

The sooner Hollywood burns to the ground, the better for everyone. Failing that, I welcome an alien invasion to put us all out of the misery of having to suffer these animals.





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