Rebel Moon is finally here and for my fellow Snyder Bros, this was an early Christmas present that I’d waited for all year. Before I get to the review, let me set the scene so you get a sense of how keen I was for the latest offering from Lord Snyder.
By lunchtime, my last Christmas work projects were done and dusted. I had resisted the urge to watch Rebel Moon during the day, instead opting to watch it in the dark, with the TV’s ambient lighting providing extra atmosphere, and the sound bar ramped up that will inevitably piss off my neighbours.
I’d dropped two of my sons into town for their work drinks. Went home and the missus was already on the wine, and a pint of Peroni was poured and sitting there ready for my gullit. She’d also ordered a curry and I sat back and admired how well I had trained this delightful creature over the last 35 years.
With the curry consumed, and dishes done, it was time to pour another beer, activate the recliner, and Rebel Moon it the fuck up. I was happier than a politician at a pizza party. This was going to be amazing!
Rebel Moon was shite.
Left to right: Star Wars Woman, Lucas Bishop from X-Men, Prince Of Persia, Not Zack Snyder, Shero, Boke who always does a shit accent, Furiosa, Juba from Gladiator.
Wait, I’ve Seen This One!
For fucks sake Zack, in one movie you have managed to give all the whining Marvel Kids and sycophant Gunnites every ounce of ammunition they’ll ever need.
Every negative thing that is said about Zack Snyder and his directing style is amped up to the maximum and it’s hard to defend Rebel Moon to his haters.
Rebel Moon unashamedly “borrows” from other franchises. If other studios took Snyder and Netflix to court for plagiarism, this film would lose every time.
We have a Hippogriff from Harry Potter. A character who looks like he’s the Prince Of fucking Persia. Droidekas. Spider-Borg-Queen. Gladiator – in fact, Snyder has even cast Djimon Hounsou in said role.
He’s even chucked in some laser-swords, and elements of Dune, and Ed Skien even looks like Tommy Shelby from Peaky Blinders!
This movie clocks in at 134 minutes. Take out the slow-mo and slow-moing of the slow-mo and you could trim Rebel Moon down to about half an hour, and even then I’m not sure I would want to watch it again. To spare you from spoilers, this band of rebels is put together with so little effort, that it’s summed up using the power of a gif…
Snyder Sold Us Out
Rebel Moon is cliche upon cliche. The female shero, Kora weighs 119lbs and is 5’ 5” (I Googled the actress’ stats) but she’s able to destroy half a dozen male marines and it’s barely an inconvenience to her. Rinse and repeat throughout the movie.
The main male character, a farmer called Gunnar, who actually looks the spitting image of Snyder, even down to the fucking waistcoat and rolled-up shirt sleeves. Zack did what the Marvel women scriptwriters do, and inserted himself into his own movie!
We have Nazis, gays, trannies, and one scene where some alien thing propositions Gunnar because he wants to take him upstairs and rent his arse. Naturally, Kora beats them all up and saves him while he whimpers like a bitch.
And finally, all the baddies are white men. Big, burly white men, who fight, swear, bully and even try to gang rape a young teenager. I can’t recall seeing one baddie who wasn’t either a white man or an alien.
I’m Sick Of Snydercuts
There is a Snydercut of Rebel Moon coming in April. Apparently, this will fill some of the massive gaps the way they did Batman v Superman Extended Cut. But let’s be honest, this marketing strategy has backfired more than once, and if there is a Snydercut, which 100% of the time proves to be better than the theatrical cut, then just fucking release it at the beginning.
Releasing a shite version for everyone to mock and ridicule and then releasing the proper version a few months later, is some sadomasochistic shit right there. Stop with this ridiculous nonsense.
“Bring me Locutus.”
It no longer gives Snyder the: “See, I told you I knew what I was doing, Blame the studio!” argument.
What it actually says is: “See, the studios were right, I can’t be trusted when left to my own devices. I need to receive feedback from the masses for version one, and then someone looking over my shoulder for a few months whilst I correct my mistakes and appease the fans”.
This movie looks like someone took 13, 10-minute episodes of Love Death + Robots episodes and tried splicing them together to make one story. As you would expect, it fails.
Rebel Moon is a Snyder at his worst and the movie seems to have been written and directed by a man with autism, whose diet consists of Skittles and Red Bull. Yeah, this review comes from an ardent Snyder Bro, and I’m gutted it’s this bad.
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