Well, this has been a work week to forget! Yesterday I was feeling sorry for myself for enduring another day of clients demanding the near-impossible. I ended my work day by telling my Mac to go and fuck itself and then poured myself a large glass of wine.
I then headed for the sofa, dared any of my kids (they’re young adults) to burden me with any of their shit, and I was hell-bent on watching a couple of hours of ultra-violence on the telly-box to chill out.
While surfing through the channels and realising Sky TV must be determined to piss me off further with the selection of shit on offer, I stumbled across Twins. “Twins?! Fucking Twins. Do me a favour!” I growled and sneered. Then my inner voice said very calmly: “Give it a go. You’ve not seen it for years and to be honest, watching something violent is probably the last thing you need right now. Stop being a cunt and watch it.”
Reluctantly I agreed and settled down to anger-watch a film that I hadn’t seen for over 30 years.
The Recap
For those who have forgotten, the film stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito as Twins. They are the result of a genetic experiment and were separated at birth.
Julius (Arnie) who is highly intelligent and a physical specimen was the experiment gone right. Vincent (DeVito) was the polar opposite. Small and scheming with no morals. He was a mistake and regarded as the crap left over from Arnie. Their mother was told they died at birth.
Vincent was shipped off to America and inevitably became an unscrupulous street hustler and all-around dirtbag living in Los Angeles who gets up to all sorts of criminal capers and skullduggery.
Julius (Arnie) was raised on a secluded island by a scientist and has little to no knowledge of the outside world. When Julius learns of his mother and brother, he heads to Los Angeles to find his family and the shenanigans begin.
The Twininator
I have to be honest, after about 15 minutes in, my mood was beginning to lift. Whether it was a case of nostalgia for times long since abandoned, or the welcome relief of watching a movie that was created just to entertain and not preach “the message”, Twins was turning out to be good fun.
As Arnie took in the delights of America as a fish out of water, I couldn’t help but wonder how much acting he needed to do or did he just tap into memories when he left Austria to find his fame and fortune? For those who haven’t seen his documentary on Netflix, I highly recommend it.
Arnie was knocking it out of the park in his first comedy role. He looked like he was really enjoying himself and it shone through on screen. There was a great scene where he sees a pic of Stallone as Rambo, he compares muscles, laughs, and walks off.
Most will say films like T2, Predator, Total Recall etc. are Arnie at the height of his powers. But to be honest, to choose to make Twins after the run of success he was currently on with The Terminator, Commando, Predator, and The Running Man not only shows his business sense but also how much he knew his audience and fanbase.
Twins was arguably Arnie at his peak, and he knew it. To publically mock Stallone whilst filming his first comedy shows you the balls on this guy.
Always Sunny In DeVitoville
And now on to DeVito, who I believe is one of the most charismatic and funniest men to grace the screen. Regardless of what kind of character he plays, which is normally some kind of scumbag, he is always likable. And what’s worse is the fact he manages to make you hate yourself for liking him.
DeVito brings his full skillset to Twins and never tries to compete with Schwarzenegger for screen presence, the man is completely ego-fee. Where Arnie has an unparalleled physical presence, DeVito’s natural charm and comedic timing are his strengths. He and Arnie are perfect dance partners. It shouldn’t work but it does which I suppose is the entire point of this movie.
What is so great about DeVito is that even though he finds the error of his ways and becomes a good guy, he still has that corrupt element about him. It’s revealed his character swindled $1 million at the end of the movie and you can’t help but raise a glass to him. You’re happy that deep down, he’s still a nasty little bastard who hasn’t allowed decent morals to corrupt him.
Look at the picture below, he’s holding up the reward money knowing he also has an extra $1m in his back burner. With a smile and a glint in his eye, DeVito manages to tell you all that he’s in on the game and he’s letting you know too. You can’t help but root for him.
Box Office Success
Twins was released in 1988 to mixed reviews, proving that people that review films have always been twats who don’t know what they’re talking about, (yes the irony isn’t lost on me). The film was a huge commercial success and opened as the number-one film in the US, earning $11 million on its opening weekend.
It retained the top spot for the next two weekends and went on to gross $112 million domestically and grossed $216 million worldwide. Not bad for a film that cost $18 million to make.
This was Schwarzenegger’s first time starring in a comedy and the studio viewed this as a significant risk. To get the part and the film made, Arnie voluntarily took no salary in exchange for a share of the film’s profits. It’s rumored he made $35 million through international sales, video/DVD sales, and TV residuals. He says it was the best decision he ever made. No shit!
Final thoughts
OK, so I had an absolute blast watching this. The bad mood was gone and I even found myself singing Yakity Yak whilst helping myself to another glass of wine!
Twins was a welcome throwback to the days when comedy was simply comedy. There to make you laugh and feel good about life.
It made jokes about short people, big people, women, men, and all other walks of life. Twins showed men being attracted to beautiful, feminine women and it showed women being attracted to masculine men. Everything was right with the world.
One scene showed Kelly Preston’s character, Marnie, barely able to contain her excitement at bringing Arnie some cookies she’d made him and then hurrying inside when she was told he was in the shower. Later she’s taking a peek at Arnie getting dressed.
“I baked you some cookies. Show me your Johnson.”
Later on on, she’s using her incredible sex appeal to give him a flash of her arse to entice him to pop his cherry. The #MeToo movement would understandably be up in arms about this… because she made him cookies. SHE’S OPPRESSED!
“Did you enjoy those cookies? Here’s my arse.”
Hollywood needs to start making these kinds of movies again. Everyone is sick to their back teeth of having our entertainment hijacked by those with no personality and certainly no sense of humor. Dear baby Jesus, please don’t let them ever make the long-gestating sequel, called Triplets with Eddie Murphy. Leave this charming movie well alone.
Twins is a thoroughly enjoyable watch and I’m pleased I listened to my inner voice (the wife).
Oh, One Last Thing
And to round off what was a thoroughly enjoyable couple of hours, my 16-year-old walked into the room, looked at the TV, and said:
“Is that the dude from Always Sunny? He’s well young. He looks like a midget Tony Soprano.”
Fucking gold.
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