Usually, we just review one movie at a time, but this one is different. This is a JCVD mega review of more than one of his movies. It turns out that Jean Claude Van Damme has made a lot of movies, so maybe expect another review, but let’s go over some here.
We had an Outposter review Bloodsport recently and this is what led to this mega review.
Before we get into JCVD’s movies, here are some things I’ve noticed about his work. These are things you will see in all of the following movies:
- Far too many guns for a guy who’s known for kicking people in the face
- Far too many bullets. Why use one bullet when fifty will do?
- A terrible haircut
- A terrible dress sense. Belts should not be that high!
- Each kick to the face has to have several cuts and at least one slow-mo shot
I never noticed JCVDs outfits before, but he certainly had a ‘style’. Don’t get me wrong, the guy is a sharp dresser, but his outfits were just on the, umm, camp side.
The other thing was the editing in his movies. Different directors have different styles, obviously, but one thing all the following movies had was far too many cuts. The worst culprit was Hard Target by John Woo.
There is one kick to the face with eight cuts in it, two slow-mo shots and it lasts about 10 seconds. This is far too long for one kick to the face. Anyway, on with the reviews…
Death Warrant (1990)
Directed by Deran Sarafian and written by David S. Goyer.
JCVD plays a French Canadian cop who goes undercover to find out why there have been so many deaths in the corrupt prison. I loved how the prison was like someone Googled ‘bad prison’ and then put in every trope in the book.
The writing for this was weak, at best. There’s one scene where he had to sneak into a records room for some information. A friend helps him get past the guard, but he ends up in the room with no way out. How is this handled? It just cuts to the next scene.
This is also the one with the Sandman, who’s immortal? I mean, he gets shot, several times in the opening scene, but then turns up at the end. How? Don’t know. This is a silly movie but kept me entertained.
Cyborg
Written and directed by Albert Pyun.
A futuristic cyborg, a mildly hot woman, has to go across the wastes of America to download some information to help restore the Earth after a plague has ravaged everything.
She gets help from JCVD, then gets kidnapped and you don’t see her again until the end.
Fortunately, there is another hot woman who happens to be there and they both go after her. There’s a back story about JCVD helping a family and being lowered into a well… it was laughable.
The end of the movie is basically two topless men, grunting and shouting in the rain, mostly in slow motion. It was terrible, although there are very brief boobs.
Sudden Death
Directed by Peter Weir and written by Karen Elise Baldwin.
This was better, but it’s basically Die Hard in an Ice Rink. There’s a big ice hockey game on, but a man has taken a VIP box hostage to extort money. The bad guy is Powers Boothe and he is a great antagonist, very evil and calculating.
There is a moment where JCVD is being chased by two bad guys. He hides in one of the locker rooms and ends up taking the goalie’s uniform and on the ice (we learn that he used to play ice hockey, in goal).
He makes the best save in the history of the game and ends up back in the locker room. The entire scene was unneeded.
What made me laugh was, that he’s in the goalie’s outfit, helmet and kit, and no one notices it’s not the real goalie! Well, apart from the two bad guys, from half away across the arena. It was laughable!
It was more laughable that he managed to undress the (unconscious) goalie, get changed into his gear in the space of about 20 seconds. Getting out of the outfit took longer.
One of the bad guys takes a kick to the face with an ice skate on…and seems to be fine afterwards. Overall, though, Sudden Death is one of the better JCVD movies, I think because the bad guy is so good, you can really get your teeth into him.
Double Impact
Written and directed by Sheldon Lettich.
This was a great start, as there are two bad haircuts! Separated at birth, Chad and Alex meet up in Hong Kong to claim their birthright to a huge business (I think). Their parents were murdered by Triads and now it’s time to kick names and take ass.
This was the worst of his outfits, Alex, or Chad (I forget which) was dressed as a pretty boy whose ‘dad is going to sue you’. It took me about three sessions to get through this one, it’s pretty bad. Boobs helped it along but didn’t save it.
Hard Target
Directed by John Woo and written by Chuck Pfarrer.
There are rich people who will pay to hunt the ultimate prey…humans. We open on a guy getting killed and learn that he’s a bum, but his daughter knows he’s gone missing.
She ends up meeting JCVD and trying to track her father down. In the end, Van Damme becomes the hunted…and then the hunter.
This one had a good cast, including Lance Henricson and Arnold Vosloo, who are both very good as bad guys, but that’s about it. Yancy Bulter is the female protagonist and she was very lovely.
This is a decent idea for a story, but, I’m going to say it, Woo’s direction is all style and no substance. As I said, there’s one kick to the face that’s in about eight cuts, slow-mo and just far too over the top. 15 year old me would have loved this, 50 year old older me didn’t rate it.
There will be a part II to my JCVD mega-review. I have more movies on the list and there is still lots more of his work to see. I just hope they get better…it’s a slim chance, but they might.
One thing I also have to mention is the lovely ladies he’s been able to work with. Death Warrant had Cynitha Gibb in it, who I had a crush on since Short Circuit 2. There’s a scene where she starts to undress and you think you’re going to get lucky.
No, it cut away to JCVD naked in a cell, doesn’t half put you off your stroke.
The other person I wanted to mention was Deborah Richter from Cyborg, who was quite the hottie. There is a scene of her running naked, away from the camera. She offers herself to our boy at one point, slowly pulling down a blanket and you see one boob.
He stops her and explains she doesn’t need to do that. No wonder he has such a big gay following, he doesn’t like girls.