Webs is a Sci-Fi Channel original film from 2003 featuring giant spiders. The Sci-Fi channel later rebranded to Sci Fi (no hyphen) then Syfy and finally SYFY. Every day we stray further from God.
Webs opens with a shot of an idyllic sandy beach, bright blue skies, clear blue water and palm trees. The title card reads:
Chicago: Present Day.
The shores of Lake Michigan never looked so good.
We pan out to see that the filmmakers have pranked us: the beach is an image in an old magazine, sitting on a dirty table with empty bottles and cans, in the basement of a condemned building. Now that’s the Chicago I know from the movies!
It’s a solid start. If Tarantino had shot that opening, critics would hail it as a masterpiece.
Four electricians enter the room, waving flashlights. That sounds like the start of a joke. How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? Based on the evidence…more than four (they’re probably in a union).
The building has been abandoned for fifteen years and is due to be demolished, but they are investigating why it still has an active power source.
The main character in Webs is Dean, played by Richard Grieco. You might remember him from the original 21 Jump Street series, where he played Booker, or the 21 Jump Street spin-off series, Booker, where he played Booker.
Booker is sad because the building is being torn down, sweeping away its history and memories. He ponders the transient nature of time and wonders how we can make our mark on life when everything is temporary.
Have you considered writing a book on giant spider movies?
Anyway, it’s a surprisingly deep and insightful moment, ruined by his buddies laughing at him. Boys will be boys.
SCUM returns
Despite this promising start, this is as good as Webs gets. When it comes to writing movies, I’d say the beginnings are the easiest part. Endings aren’t too difficult either (Stephen King has no excuse). It’s the blob in the middle that’s a bitch.
Booker and his electrician buddies discover a room not in the building’s blueprints. They break in and find a generator with a nuclear symbol on it, along with many dials and buttons. They do the sensible thing and leave immediately.
Only kidding, they turn it on. Of course they do. To be fair, I would, too. I can’t resist pressing buttons.
When they fire up the generator, a beam of light shines up from a glass plate on the floor. Booker somehow falls into it and disappears. One of his buddies, Junior, follows him in. It appears to be a portal, but to where?
They could end up anywhere on earth. No wait, that’s small-time thinking. How about anywhere in the Spider Cinematic Universe Multiverse (SCUM), that until now has only existed in my head?
This is a breakthrough, guys. We finally have the mechanism to make SCUM a reality. Sure, we’re just using the Marvel/DC multiverse trick, but if it worked for them…
But let’s park my shared universe fantasies for now because I’ve got an actual movie to review. I’m sorry to report that Booker and Junior don’t end up fighting alongside William Shatner in Kingdom of the Spiders.
Instead, they emerge in Chicago’s business district, surrounded by high rise buildings, at night. It’s clean and beige and corporate and boring. It’s a real let-down. The only strange element is the presence of spider web. Lots of it. The movie is called Webs, so I suppose they are making good on that promise.
Spider Freaks
They could jump back through the portal, which is still open, but then we wouldn’t have a movie, would we? The other two idiots, Sheldon and Ray, even join them. They search the area and find an abandoned security van full of cash. Bingo! They don’t get time to enjoy it though because a vampire looking dude pulls Junior’s heart out of his chest.
More creatures appear. They possess sharp, wonky teeth and long, spiky fingers. I know I said I wouldn’t talk about my shared universe for a while, but I’m going to break that oath. These creatures reminded me of the Gary monster from Horrors of Spider Island. They could be related.
Booker & Co are rescued by people who seem to have experience fighting these creatures. They kill a few of them with metal rods but then encounter a queen spider: a giant spider with a humanoid body. Heading back through the portal is now looking like a good idea. Ray and Sheldon make it through, but the portal closes on Booker.
Booker is taken to Dr Richard Morelli, the obligatory scientist and exposition guy. Booker has a tattoo on his arm, and Dr Morelli points out that people in this world don’t have tattoos, so he knows Booker is from another world. Our world.
Which means…it IS a parallel universe! It just happens to be the most boring and unimaginative one ever.
Dr Morelli is also from our world. He built the portal but got trapped on the other side 30 years ago. I wonder if he’s met himself yet. Anyway, opening the original portal somehow opened another portal to another world, which flooded this world with queen spiders and ‘spider freaks’ from another parallel universe.
Seems a bit far-fetched to me.
Killer Queen
The spider freaks in Webs are regular people who have been turned into monsters by a queen spider injecting them with venom (just like Gary in Horrors of Spider Island – just saying).
Somehow these queen spiders (dozens of them, apparently) and their minions took over the entire world in 30 years. Dr Morelli tries to sell it but give me a break, I don’t believe you. Was there no military in this parallel universe? What happened to the rift that let in the spiders? If it closed again, I don’t see how a few dozen giant spiders would cause many problems.
And why, after 30 years of fighting, does the Chicago business district look in perfect condition? All the lights are on in the skyscrapers. Do they have nuclear generators too? And why would there be no tattoos in this world? Did the spiders go after the tattooists first?
Booker has a heart-to-heart with love interest Elena, who rescued him earlier. He says ‘I still can’t believe any of this.’ You and me both, buddy.
Another survivor, Crane, REALLY hates Booker for no reason I can see, other than he’s good looking and keeps making doe eyes at the only woman in the vicinity. Could be that.
Rescue
Meanwhile, in our world, Sheldon and Ray inform the authorities but nobody believes them (standard giant spider movie trope, well done).
Ray’s back-up plan is seriously American, and I love it: buy lots of guns, fix the portal, jump through and start shooting. When Booker hears gunfire, he knows the boys are back in town. However, the portal closes behind them again, trapping both Sheldon and Ray in spider city with everyone else.
Sheldon has brought Dr Morelli’s notes and wants to build a new portal. Dr Morelli is doubtful and informs them that six of the world’s smartest people worked on the original project. Booker replies ‘you’re talking to three electricians,’ as if that’s equivalent.
How many electricians does it take to build an inter-dimensional portal? One, actually. Sheldon does all the work while Booker chats up Elena and Ray fantasises about stealing the money they found in the security van.
The spider freaks arrive at the hideout and we are treated to an overlong eleven-minute sequence of people hiding and sometimes sneaking around in a large building with no sense of where they are in relation to each other.
It ends with Dr Morelli and Sheldon being kidnapped and most of the others killed, except for Booker, Elena and Crane. Crane attacks Booker at least three times for no reason, so the love triangle is alive and kicking.
Ray also survives but is injured. He stays behind and Macgyvers up a few booby traps while the others storm the queen’s nest to rescue Dr Morelli and Sheldon. Crane refuses at first because he’s still wedded to the hiding strategy that has brought mankind to the brink of extinction, but he finally comes around (after another fight with Booker).
Kill the Queen, Save the World
Here’s my problem with Morelli and Crane’s regime. They have known where the queen lives all along. Their one strategy should have been to kill her. If they do that, the city is saved and their struggle is over.
Although the spider freaks don’t die automatically when the queen is killed, we are told they live short lives and will die out without the queen around to create more (a small twist on the usual trope).
And that’s the key detail: spider freaks can’t create other spider freaks. If they did it would make more sense. It would be like a zombie uprising and you can imagine how they could take over the world. But since only the queen can produce these short-lived ‘soldiers’ (the politically correct term for spider freaks), the formula for success is simple:
Kill the queen, save the world.
How did they not, in 30 years, figure out what Booker deduced in five minutes? I guess we can’t all be electricians.
In the nest they find Dr Morelli alive but unable to move even though he’s covered with only a few pitiful wisps of web. Sheldon is bitten and starting to turn.
The queen is aware of the new portal and wants to break free to another world. OUR WORLD! I’m not sure how she found out. Maybe she read Sheldon’s mind or something. It could explain why Dr Morelli is unharmed because she needs him to complete the portal.
I Can’t Believe He’s Gone
They escape the nest but Sheldon remains behind. He fully turns just as he’s about to shoot the queen, so he doesn’t go through with it. Ray arrives to help the others but can’t resist taking a detour to the van full of cash. He grabs a few bags and starts celebrating.
If you think this is a prelude to instant karma, you would be right. The spider frea…sorry, soldiers, kill him. Just because they’ve transformed into dentally challenged Freddy Krueger cosplay enthusiasts, it doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings. Soldier lives matter.
The survivors return to their hideout and Booker mopes about like Luke Skywalker after Obi-Wan Kenobi dies. If you’ve seen Star Wars, you’ll know that Luke knew Obi-Wan well for only a short period of time, but when he dies, Luke is devastated and consoled by Leia.
Never mind that Leia’s entire planet was just blown up, killing everyone she ever knew and loved. It’s Luke that needs an arm around him.
It’s a similar situation here, with Elena comforting Booker even though she’s had 30 years without a bath while being hunted by Gary monsters.
I suppose the message is that these women are stronger, but not in a girlbossy way (2003 is way too early for that phenomenon). They have lived a tough life and can cope with it. These Johnny-come-latelys are soft, but they’ve got potential, so the women nurse them through the difficult early stages.
Quantum Leap
Dr Morelli, Booker and Elena work on the portal while Crane holds off the soldiers in an epic last stand. After being a dick for most of the movie, he receives a true warrior’s death, going down fighting. He resembles Ash from The Evil Dead and his face is covered with the black blood of the soldiers.
Morelli also makes a stand but gets nailed by the queen. Another one bites the dust.
Booker is forced to fight and kill the newly turned Sheldon. He then returns to his task of activating the portal by rubbing two exposed wires together like he’s hot-wiring a car. It doesn’t work, but when queenie arrives, he shoves the wires into her belly and fries her. This jumpstarts the portal somehow.
Booker and Elena step into the Quantum Leap accelerator…and vanish!
The queen explodes. It was that easy to kill her. There’s no way her species could have taken over the world.
Back to the Beach
Webs ends with a shot of an idyllic sandy beach, bright blue skies, clear blue water and palm trees. Booker and Elena end up on the same beach we saw at the start of the movie, but it’s not a picture this time.
I was yearning for it to be the island from Horrors of Spider Island with the scantily-clad dancers, but apparently that’s too much to ask.
We hear shrieks, and the shadow of some flying creature descends upon them. We don’t see the actual creature because it would add to the production cost, but its shadow resembles a Dragon or Q: the Winged Serpent. The actors fail to emote and sell it as a threat, and we cut to black.
It’s a silly ending that reminded me of Deep Rising, except cheap and undramatic. I do however enjoy the irony of them abandoning their previous world right after rendering it safe (by killing the queen) and ending up on Dragon Island.
‘Jump! What could possibly be worse than this frying pan?’
Oh well, at least the setting is nice. Corporate Chicago was starting to bum me out.
Rating: two spider legs out of 8, represented by the image below.
