7 Guardians of the Tomb is a novel way of making a giant spider movie: take one large measure of Indiana Jones, a dollop of The Goonies, a dash of Aliens and just the tiniest pinch of Big Trouble in Little China. Then garnish liberally with Sydney funnel web spiders of assorted sizes. It’s not original, but it mostly works.
I initially gave 7 Guardians of the Tomb 7/10 on IMDB. The internet gave it 4.5/10. That’s harsh, but my rating is definitely too high.
I have a theory. Well, I can’t claim it to be mine because Economists have written books on the subject, but I have been thinking along these lines for years. Here it is: the extent to which a person enjoys a movie can be boiled down to the simple formula R – E (reality – expectations).
Let’s run some numbers. If you go into a movie expecting 3/10 and it ends up 5/10, the overwhelming feeling is positive (+2). This leads to a sense of joy, which makes the movie feel like 6 out of 10, even though it isn’t.
On the flip side, if you expect 8/10 and get 6/10, the result is -2, and minus figures mean disappointment. As a result, you might give it 5/10.
Expect 6/10 and get 6/10? Well…those are the movies you shrug your shoulders at and say ‘it was alright.’
On reflection, I give 7 Guardians of the Tomb 6/10, but it felt like 7 at the time. The problem for you, the reader, is that this review is going to be mostly positive, which will raise your expectations. If you watch it, you will almost certainly be disappointed, and you will give it 4 or 5.
Sorry about that I guess, but I watch these things so you don’t have to. But feel free to journey into the tomb…if you dare.
Australian-Chinese Outreach Program
7 Guardians of the Tomb is sometimes known as Guardians of the Tomb, probably because the 7 at the front looks awkward and it isn’t clear who the 7 guardians are. There are more than 7 spiders, that’s for sure.
Let’s not think too hard about that. Plenty of room for pedantry later. 7 Guardians of the Tomb is not, as you might think, a spoof of Guardians of the Galaxy, even though they use a suspiciously similar font on the poster.
7 Guardians of the Tomb is a joint Australian-Chinese production that features mostly Australian and Chinese actors and a backstory that involves both countries. How diplomatic.
The opening credits are played over a well-drawn animated sequence showing ancient Chinese sailors travelling to Australia, meeting aborigines, getting along famously, and then taking a secret formula for long life back to China. This may come into play later.
The cast also includes two token Americans. Kelsey Grammar provides gravitas and Kellen Lutz provides smouldering good looks on a budget.
Nothing was on fire until he walked by
Kelsey Grammar spent twenty years playing a bumbling sitcom psychiatrist but also has a nice seam of villain roles on his resume: Toy Story 2, Money Plane, Transformers: Rise of Something (probably). And this, maybe, I don’t want to spoil anything.
Rosy Periwinkle
Kelsey plays Mason, the head of Biotech Pharmaceutical. That’s probably a clue as to whether he’s a bad guy (uh oh, what’s ‘Big Pharma’ up to now?).
When we first see him, he’s pitching to potential investors, boasting about the company’s track record. They discovered a plant called rosy periwinkle that cures childhood leukaemia.
I looked it up because that name sounded too cool to be true, but it’s real! 7 Guardians of the Tomb isn’t a true story, though (just thought I would clear that up).
Mason claims their medicine has saved over 12 MILLION children’s lives, which is a staggering number. It begs the obvious question: how the hell is the company still broke after saving 12 million lives?
I guess we wouldn’t have a movie if they weren’t. They need money, and it might just come from a mythical life-extending drug that Mason is hunting for, which others dismiss as a fairy tale.
Two men working for Mason in China (one Chinese, one Australian – perfectly balanced) fall down a hole in the desert. They believe they have discovered the legendary tomb where a legendary Chinese Emperor hid the legendary secret to long life.
What they find instead are giant spiders, which have been known to drastically shorten a person’s lifespan.
Mason arranges a rescue and joins the team, so maybe he isn’t such a bad guy. Or maybe he has other motives for wanting to visit a tomb that contains the secret to eternal life. I don’t want to spoil anything.
The Expendables
One of the presumably dead men, Luke, is the son of Biotech’s co-founder, who died in a plane crash many years ago. Mason visits Luke’s sister, Leia, no sorry, Jia, to tell her Luke is missing, and asks her to join the rescue team.
Jia seems to hate Mason but agrees because she loves her brother. She doesn’t question Mason’s motivations though. Why would he ask her to join them? I mean, she’s a renowned expert in animal venom, and spiders are venomous, and Mason has brought along a case of anti-venom, but that’s probably a coincidence.
Once they arrive at the desert, we meet the rest of the rescue team. There’s Chen, an expendable archaeologist, Milly, expendable Logistics, and an Australian guy called Gary who seems to be the chief sarcasm officer.
Let me be clear: this isn’t a spoof giant spider movie where the concept is treated as a joke and everyone is in on it. It’s a serious movie with good production values, but Gary provides welcome comic relief.
A little levity is never a bad thing. It breaks the tension and gives the audience a breather from whatever threat the characters are facing.
Also, having a character point out some of the more outlandish aspects of their situation helps to sell it, or at least allows us to laugh with them instead of at them.
Lust for Lutz
Last to arrive is Kellen Lutz’ Jack Ridley – proper action movie name, well done. He rocks up on a motorbike and wears cool shades that unclip in the middle.
Jack is a search and rescue specialist and immediately gives Jia a hard time, pointing out that her emotional connection to Luke could cloud her judgement. He’s a patronising dick about it, but he’s right.
Jack used to be a first responder for International Rescue but I call bullshit because I don’t remember him in Thunderbirds. Anyway, something bad happened on his last mission in Nepal that he doesn’t talk about, which makes him brooding and mysterious.
Jack is also obscenely good-looking, well-educated, and well-travelled. When Jia calls him a neanderthal in Mandarin, he responds in the same language.
But hey, at least he’s a patronising dick who hates women, right? Well, no, actually. He’s cool for the rest of the movie. Let’s just hope his dark secret shows him up in some way so we can all laugh at him and call him a loser. I don’t want to spoil things, but I’m not banking on it.
Category Four Dust Storm
The rescue team is tracking Luke’s GPS signal, but they have to move quickly because the battery is low and a CATEGORY FOUR DUST STORM is incoming. To give you an idea of how bad a category four dust storm is, I will have to make something up because it doesn’t exist.
The storm they encounter is nothing short of apocalyptic. Not only does it blow a lot of sand in the air, it also contains lightning, which not only electrocutes people, it also ignites the sulphur in the air, which not only smells bad, it also causes massive fireballs.
Basically, all the worst parts of the bible in one overly long and poorly constructed sentence.
The unstoppable attack combo of dust, lightning, and fire causes falling rocks to immobilise the team’s jeep. They flee to a settlement near an abandoned mine. The settlement is eerily quiet, but then Jia finds a young girl hiding out in a closet. Her name is Yin, but let’s just call her Newt Salamander. Nobody calls her Yin, except her brother. Probably.
Jack finds a baby’s crib covered in a spider web. The camera slowly zooms in but we still can’t see if the spiders have cocooned a baby. It’s like they wanted to suggest it but chickened out showing it, the cowards (and also thank you, not sure I could handle that).
The Tomb Cliches Begin
Mason and Chen find a desiccated dead body with a spider crawling under its skin. It bursts out like the worst piñata ever and bites Chen.
Jia identifies it as a funnel web spider, even though they are only supposed to exist in Australia. Call me crazy, but I think the ancient Austro-China trade deal from the start of the movie may have something to do with it.
I figured that Chen was dead. He’s an obvious candidate for an early exit, but they revive him with antivenom. It takes two doses because this funnel web’s venom is more powerful than usual. Super venom! That’s a big tick on my giant spider movie bingo card.
The firestorm is still raging outside so they need to find cover. Jack decides to blow up a locked hatch to a basement by lighting a can of petrol, which causes a massive fireball inside as well. Nice one, genius. Also, did you consider that it was locked for a reason?
They flee down the hatch, dodging spider web tripwires (tomb cliché 1) because twanging one is like ringing the dinner bell.
Only Gary points out that journeying into the dark is a terrible idea. We’re meant to believe this is the least-worst option but I’m not convinced. I’d take my chances with the storm.
Surely Salamander should have spoken up. She witnessed spiders killing her whole family but they don’t even ask her about it.
Anyway, Mason twangs the web and both he and Milly are bitten. Dozens of spiders swarm at them but the floor collapses and they end up in the tomb and the spiders magically disappear.
Spidese
The GPS buzzes, picking up Luke’s signal, so they know he’s somewhere in the tomb. Salamander thinks the buzzing is a spider and crushes it with a rock.
Mason shouts at her, and let’s face it, characters who snap at kids in movies aren’t usually the heroes. I’m not sure I can keep this spoiler-free any longer. Mason is the bad guy. There, I said it.
Jia tries to give Milly some antivenom but the last two vials are missing. Guess which greedy Big Pharma CEO has nabbed them for himself? I might have given the answer away just now. Mason shoots himself up as soon as the others are out of sight, leaving Milly to face a drawn-out demise.
They find skeletons (tomb cliché 2) and Gary quips ‘oh good, I was worried there wouldn’t be a mass grave.’ You and me both, Gary.
The spiders arrive and chase them through the tunnels. These spiders hunt in packs which, as I have mentioned before, doesn’t happen in real life but makes for a greater threat onscreen, hence why it is used so often. Gary:
‘They probably follow each other on Twitter’.
Most of the funnel webs are regular sized, but they are being directed by two plus-sized spiders that bark orders in spider language (Spidese? Spidish?).
Scooby Doo
Next they reach a chasm over a river of lava (tomb cliché 3). This situation calls for a quip, so take it away, Gary:
‘Sorry, I forgot to order a…RIVER OF MOLTEN LAVA!’
There’s no way across until Gary accidentally leans on a stone that retracts into the wall (tomb cliché 4). A stone bridge extends to the other side, except it starts to crumble as they cross (tomb cliché 5). It collapses completely and the last two people (Jia and Jack of course) have to leap over a gap together to reach the other side (tomb cliché 6).
Milly is left on the other side. She emerges from the shadows covered in spiders and takes a swan dive into the lava like Ripley at the end of Alien3. No joke – it might be the best moment of the movie.
The next room is an armoury but nobody takes any weapons. Jack finds an old torch and lights it (tomb cliché 7). The spiders chase them into an alcove and they seem cornered until the wall rotates 180 degrees and they end up in another room (tomb cliché 8). Gary, we need you:
‘I thought that only happened in Scooby Doo.’
Misquotes
Salamander is scared and doesn’t want to continue, but Jia shows her an engraved compass given to her by her parents before the plane crash. The lettering is in Chinese and the English translation is ‘all who wander are not lost,’ which makes no sense.
Surely some wanderers are lost. People get lost, it happens. All of them are literally lost at that very moment. I believe it is a misquote of a famous Tolkien line from The Lord of the Rings, which is ‘not all who wander are lost.’
It’s only a minor slip, I suppose. It’s not as bad as when some stupid white girl gets a Chinese symbol tattooed on her back thinking it says ‘serenity’ or some shit when really it’s ‘chicken fried rice.’
Once they get moving again, they enter the exposition room, which contains tapestries of the Chinese meeting the Aborigines and fills in some of the backstory.
The secret to long life lies in an enzyme produced by funnel web spiders so the emperor’s necromancer, who looks like the guy from Gremlins who owns Gizmo, exported thousands of them to China. I bet the emperor was well chuffed about that.
Anyway, they find a bottle of elixir but guess who steals it? You’re very smart, well done. Mason pulls a classic Carter Burke move, escaping with the elixir and shutting the others in the tomb behind him.
They blame the spider toxin for infecting his brain, but he’s been a complete dick since the beginning. Didn’t they notice?
Becoming God
To escape the room, they search for a secret passage. Gary, it’s time:
‘Where’s Gandalf when you need him?’
They are forced to crawl through a narrow passage where the ceiling slowly descends and threatens to crush them (Jesus, what number are we up to? Okay, it’s tomb cliché 9). I thought Gary was going to die as he’s the last one through, but Jack pulls him to safety (phew).
Jia starts to lose hope of finding Luke, so Jack shares his dark secret. Here it is: his best friend and fellow search-and-rescuer broke his ankle during an earthquake rescue mission and died. The story sucks and Mr Perfect didn’t do anything wrong. How disappointing.
They finally find Luke, encased in web but also encased in plot armour. He’s alive, barely. They have to push the correct tile to open the tomb and if they push the wrong one, something bad will happen (tomb cliché 10). Or maybe it won’t. They get it right first time so we don’t find out. It’s pure speculation.
The tomb opens but Mason is already there somehow! They thought he was dead because they saw someone who looked like him cocooned in web, but he’s alive, and crazier than ever.
He rants at Salamander, saying the spiders are inside her and she’s conspiring with them. Jia mentions her father’s plane crash for no reason, and Mason admits he knew where he crashed but didn’t tell anyone because it was an area of commercial interest and he didn’t want their competitors finding out.
I’m starting to go off him.
Then we get the best line of the movie. Jia accuses Mason of playing God and he replies:
‘This is about BECOMING God!’
He sells it so well I got Stinky Pete flashbacks.
Shoulder Shot
Despite calling Luke ‘son’ moments earlier, Mason shoots him with a crossbow. I partly blame Luke for this because it happens after he tells Mason to ‘go to Hell.’
You should never tell anyone in movies to ‘go to Hell’ because the only appropriate response is ‘you first,’ which means you have to kill them for the line to make sense.
But guess who jumps in the way and takes the hit for Luke? It’s Jack of course. He doesn’t even know Luke so I’m guessing he does it because he wants to have sex with his sister real bad.
Jack is hit in the shoulder, which is movie code for ‘he’ll live.’ Nobody dies after getting shot in the shoulder in movies. NOBODY.
Luke kicks a tripwire and two stone statues holding crossbows rotate and shoot Mason (tomb cliché 11). Luckily, he is standing in the exact place required to get hit by both bolts. He drops the elixir and they use it to revive Luke (tomb cliché 12 – it’s basically Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade at this point).
Final Boss
The final boss room is the spiders’ nest. Apparently, the spiders have been luring them here all along, the crafty beggars. They punch another tile to reveal the exit but it also activates the tomb’s self-destruct sequence (tomb cliché 13).
The walls and ceiling collapse around them and they flee. The moviemakers must have remembered at this point that two spider-fodder characters were still alive. What an oversight!
To rectify this, Gary and Chen are smothered by spiders and carried off unceremoniously. It’s a silly move at this late stage. After taking so much care and attention over Milly’s death, they could have done better.
There’s a sting at the end! I love stings, especially when they make no sense. The survivors emerge from the tomb and a spider bursts out of Salamander’s mouth which means…Mason was right?
I thought it was a paranoid rant, but they were inside her all along! We then cut to Mason in the tomb as spiders crawl over him. He blinks, so he’s not dead yet.
Maybe he’ll become the spiders’ next host and will show up in the sequel as a meat puppet being controlled by spiders like a psycho’s version of Ratatouille.
Final note: Kellen Lutz has proper star power and should be in more movies. Make it so. I mean, I like Glen Powell as much as the next guy, but he doesn’t need to be in everything.
Rating: 6 spider legs out of 8
