This week I bring you the first ever giant spider DOUBLE BILL! Welcome to Creepies (2004) and its sequel, Creepies II: Las Vegas Attack: King Spider vs Mecha Destructor (2005).
That’s honestly its title.
I decided to review them together because they looked awful, and I wanted to get through them as quickly as possible. They are so low budget I couldn’t believe they had IMDB pages. It got me wondering what the criteria is for an IMDB listing.
It seems that a movie qualifies if it is of ‘general public interest,’ which means it has been shown publicly at some point. It’s a broad definition that includes everything except genuine home movies, – a lower bar than I thought.
Creepies and Creepies II: something colon something something look like they were filmed by a group of stoner mates on the weekends, which I don’t intend as an insult.
Seen through that lens, these movies are an amazing achievement. I’ve said before how much I admire anyone with the willpower to make a full-length movie, particularly ones with this many special effects shots.
I wouldn’t know where to begin, so I’m in awe of these guys for contributing not one but two movies to the giant spider pantheon.
But that doesn’t mean they’d be any good, even with adjusted expectations. If this is to be a barrel-scraping experience, then best to confine it to a single article.
Creepies
Creepies starts with a bang as a helicopter and a tank blast a giant spider into the stratosphere. Upon returning to earth, it takes out the Hollywood sign.
‘Wait,’ I hear you say. ‘I thought this movie was low budget.’ And you would be correct. The tank, helicopter, Los Angeles, the Hollywood sign and the spider are all miniatures that look like miniatures.
It’s impressive, but there’s no weight to anything. I thought I was watching a lost episode of Thunderbirds. The spider flops about like a plush toy. Also, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the idea of a miniature giant spider. That’s just a regular sized spider with extra steps.
We cut to two days earlier, before the miniatures hit the fan, and we’re at Foothill Experimental Weapons Centre (FEWC? FEWC off?). Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but they are mutating spiders to create biological weapons.
Talking Spiders
Two soldiers accidentally break a jar with a plus sized spider in it. Their sergeant then orders them to load a van with boxes, but one soldier develops a bad back. His friend thinks he’s work shy, but then a giant spider bursts out of his back.
On the bright side, at least we know he wasn’t faking his back pain to avoid manual labour. They should mention his work ethic at his funeral.
But where did the spider come from? The jar they smashed? Wouldn’t he have noticed it burrowing into his body? And why do that, only to burst back out minutes later? Because it can, I suppose.
The spider sprays the other guy in the eyes and he knocks over one of the boxes. It’s the size of a small cool box but it must use TARDIS technology because all of a sudden he’s surrounded with a multitude of spiders that emerged from that single box.
The spiders come in two flavours. Type 1 has a big ass, black widow markings (mostly black with a bit of red) and reminds me of the ticks from Bite Me!
Type 2 is more spider-like in its body, but with a bat head and two eyes. Oh, and they can talk. Did I say this could be a barrel-scraping experience? Wrong.
There is no barrel.
Oops
Two hours later and the entire place is infested with spiders. One soldier attempts to shoot a spider as it bites his hand but blows his own hand off. This has happened before, in Kingdom of the Spiders, so I’d like to formally announce the latest cliché for the bingo card. I’ll call it: ‘oops.’
Another group of soldiers arrive, led by Major Graves and his partner, Minor Tombstones* (*not his actual name). All the spiders merge into one giant floppy plush spider somehow, which should make it an easier target, except Major and Minor aren’t very good shots.
They spend a significant portion of Creepies sitting in a closet that’s meant to be the interior of a tank that looks like ED-209 from Robocop cowgirling the DeLorean from Back to the Future.
They fire multiple rockets at the spider, miss (on account of the spider’s parkour skills), and destroy Los Angeles in miniature instead.
Graves occasionally talks to his superior on the phone, Sergeant Clancy. Why is a Major answering to a Sergeant? I’ll tell you why – because Clancy was at Seal Beach. I’ll fill you in on the details later.
Clancy then calls the President (yes, the actual President) and suggests using a ‘small’ suitcase nuke against the spider. His logic is impeccable:
“It is Hollywood, sir.’”
Eventually we get a repeat of the opening scene with Graves blowing up the spider. It’s a happy ending, apart from the thousands of people murdered by friendly fire.
Barenaked Barbies
This nonsense intercuts with another plot line that I haven’t mentioned yet. It involves an all-girl trio punk band called the Barenaked Barbies. Yes, really.
Meet Linnea (guitar), Michelle (drums) and Brinke (singer). Michelle’s boyfriend Dave drives them to a recording studio so they can cut some tracks and lay down some sick beats (I have no idea what I’m talking about).
But the recording studio has taken delivery of a box of spiders that went missing from FEWC.
This mix-up is unrelated to the recent breakout. It happened weeks earlier. I would have preferred it if one of the soldiers had escaped with the box, battling spider hordes and dodging Graves’ missiles, to get his parcel delivered on time.
The parcel represents hope, like in that Tom Hanks desert island movie. He makes it through but is bitten by a spider in the process. Delirious with venom, he drops the parcel off at the wrong address. Consciousness fades and he slips quietly into oblivion.
Anyway, the two guys who work at the recording studio, Steve and Jake, accidentally knock over the box of spiders and the lid pops off. So they perfected TARDIS technology but can’t make a lid that stays on?
Many spiders emerge, and they are pissed. The leader delivers a speech to his colleagues in spider language – Spidese. Spidese is English played backwards, sped up and subtitled, so for the first time ever we get an insight into the inner motivation of giant spiders.
Here is the great revelation: they are angry at being trapped in a box and being forced to listen to crappy cover bands. I see their point.
Ron Jeremy
A spider bites Steve on the foot, so he’s not long for this world. That’s God’s punishment for wearing sandals, you dick.
They call Sergeant Clancy, whose hair and goatee have grown since we saw him earlier, and it’s meant to be the same day.
He promises to send help, but it isn’t a sincere promise because he’s arming his suitcase nuke. Also, he has a file with the name ‘Spideroids operation.’ Spideroids! Why didn’t they call the movie that?
Steve’s condition worsens and he ends up pulling his own face off. It is a magnificent practical special effect that any movie would be proud of. The CGI is terrible, but you get the occasional gem like this that displays real effort and talent.
The band cannot escape the studio because spiders are outside and have already killed the studio owner, a paramedic and Ron Jeremy (yes, really).
The band embarks on a spider killing montage set to one of the Barenaked Barbies’ ‘punk’ tunes. Remember Courtney Love’s band, Hole? Yeah, like that.
At the end of the montage, they capture a spider that looks nothing like those seen so far. It’s larger with tusks. I’ll call it Walrus Spider.
They decide to carry out the second ever giant spider autopsy! But can it be considered an autopsy if the spider is still alive? I guess not. It’s the first ever giant spider torture scene!
They tie it to a table and find a barcode on its underside. They deduce that it was bred as a weapon, but the barcode just makes it look more like a toy.
My theory: a plush toy came to life when some stupid kid wished upon a star. Imagine Tim Burton remaking Ted.
Seal Beach
The spider shoots web onto Brinke’s face. It contracts and crushes her skull. It’s the first time I’ve seen web display crushing properties. Great idea.
Linnea becomes the next victim when spiders pull her into the nest. Jake assists her by shooting at the spiders. With a shotgun. Eight times. And blows her goddamned head off. Oops.
It’s possible he’s putting her out of her misery, but eight times? Come on, man.
We cut to Sergeant Clancy and his suitcase nuke. Why does a lowly Sergeant have a direct line to the President and access to nuclear weapons and their launch codes? I’ll tell you why – he was at Seal Beach.
Seal Beach was a naval base that blew up. They said it was a boating accident, but it wasn’t. It was spiders. He tells the story to a colleague while heavily plagiarising Quint’s speech from Jaws, but I was reminded more of Ted Stryker’s flashbacks from Airplane.
Nukem. Get Them Before They Get You.
Back to the recording studio. David is bitten and turns into a spider monster thing like in Earth vs The Spider. Why doesn’t that happen to all spider victims?
There’s no consistency to this movie at all. They just keep throwing random ideas at the screen. They are decent, but don’t hang together in a coherent mythology.
Only Jake and Michelle remain. Jake’s death is the best of the movie (spoiler). A spider jumps onto his hand while he’s holding a shotgun. He accidentally pulls the trigger and blows his own head off. I laughed out loud.
The spider monster bites Michelle, so she’s doomed too. Clancy arrives and shoots her to put her out of her misery. It’s the humane thing to do, but she doesn’t see it that way (would you?).
She grabs the shotgun and shoots Clancy while he’s activating his suitcase nuke. She even has time for a kiss-off line:
“Barenaked Barbies rule!”
And to that I say…no they fucking don’t.
Anyway, the nuke explodes. Hollywood is dead. A final sting shows the spiders surviving the nuke, so it was all a waste of time. But at least they follow through with their tease that there’s more to come, because there is!
Creepies II: Las Vegas Attack: King Spider vs Mecha Destructor.
Welcome to Creepies 2: Mission to Mars, Spidersaurus vs Mecha Streisand, or whatever.
The opening credits feature a montage of Creepies, then we’re straight into a Terminator homage in miniature.
A tank with a comedy-sized plasma cannon mounted on top trundles through the ruins of Los Angeles, crushing the skulls of the nuclear blast victims under its tracks.
Creepies II uses a number of actors from Creepies in different roles. Minor Tombstones returns to the franchise as Astin, pilot of the tank. Joining Astin is co-pilot Rudd, played by a new actor.
It isn’t long before the spiders arrive. I noticed some re-used spider shots from the original, but I don’t know if they are meant to be the same spiders, or different spiders played by the same spiders.
A Big Ass spider emerges from the rubble. Enter General McGinty, piloting a giant humanoid robot called Mecha Destructor.
Mecha Destructor is like Gipsy Danger from Pacific Rim, except with Mechagodzilla’s head, which roars because why not?
It blasts the Big Ass Spider with plasma cannons and kills it. The end. Not really. It’s not even close to the end, or even the beginning of the end. But it might be, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
What Happens In Vegas
McGinty says Los Angeles is almost clear of spiders, but I’m not buying it. Lots of smaller ones, relatively speaking, are still running about. You can’t fight them with a 70-metre robot.
But we’re supposed to take him at his word because L.A isn’t the focus of this movie. This time, we’re going to Las Vegas, baby! Woohoo! I wonder how long it will be before someone says ‘what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?’ That phrase never gets old.
We start with a guy carrying a suitcase full of spider specimens that he stole from Area 51. Two Area 51 agents, who have ‘Area 51’ as their car licence plate, hunt him down.
I guess the US Government has stopped denying that Area 51 exists and is now marketing the shit out of it. Anyway, the female agent gets the drop on suitcase guy and could have ended the movie right there. Instead, she lowers her gun, allowing suitcase guy to raise his.
He then bangs the case against his chest to indicate that it belongs to hum, and the jars inside break. Spiders break out and swarm him. We’ve got to get the movie started somehow, and that’s how they chose to do it.
The second agent arrives with a comedy bazooka and blows up suitcase guy at close range. He explodes and the spiders burn up. The end. Not really. The spiders enter a back door to the Luxor hotel casino.
Jed, I Mean, Ned
The female agent calls McGinty to let him know the casino has a few new high rollers. Astin and Rudd pilot Mecha Destructor, while McGinty and another guy drive tanks with plasma cannons.
Rudd calls his girlfriend Kristin, who works at the Luxor casino, to warn her about the spiders. It’s a ‘who you gonna call?’ trope classic, because not only does she not believe him, she’s so insulted that she breaks up with him!
Remember Steve, the sandals-wearing guy from Creepies who gets bitten on the foot and ends up pulling his own face off? He’s back! Well, the actor is back. He’s definitely not playing Steve unless he stuck his face back on.
Also, he calls himself ‘Ned’ and you wouldn’t do that if your name was Steve. He plays a hotel guest who orders a hooker (that’s how her character is billed in the movie).
It’s the best scene of both movies, with lots of hooker nudity and a bizarre sex scene where she does sit-ups in the missionary position. I tried to write that sentence a dozen different ways to try and capture the weirdness of it, but I’ve run out of talent.
The hooker takes a call midway through sex (oof). She receives a better offer from a high roller and decides to blue-balls Ned, but not before using his cold sauna. A cold sauna? You mean a fridge?
It provides an excuse for more nudity and a spider attack. Spiders pull Ned’s face off again (his character is officially billed as ‘Jed, I mean, Ned’ because the hooker gets it wrong).
The hooker wakes up encased in web, and…I’m not sure how to put this gently, but…she gives birth to the movie’s giant spider. A natural birth.
Midget Destruction Porn
The next scene is great too, where Astin reveals his longstanding beef with Las Vegas. Like…all of it.
He grew up in Vegas and married there, but his wife developed a gambling habit. His superiors at Area 51 saw it as a security threat and forced him to kill her (divorce wasn’t an option, apparently).
Astin now blames Las Vegas for this. Not his wife, not his superiors. Vegas. It’s why he’s happy to blow the shit out of it with a giant robot.
The two Men in Black agents from Area 51 arrive at Ned’s hotel room. Captain Bazooka shoots the recently birthed giant spider with a rocket launcher at point blank range and fucking misses.
He fires another rocket, without reloading, and obliterates his partner while the spider jumps out the window. Oops.
The spider is loose in Las Vegas, triggering an orgy of destruction porn in miniature (which makes it midget destruction porn).
Fighter planes, Mecha Destructor and trucks with freakin’ plasma cannons strapped to their backs take turns to blast the spider, miss, and destroy Las Vegas landmarks instead.
Victims include The Bellagio, Treasure Island, Excalibur, The Eiffel Tower AND The Statue of Liberty (not the real ones, these are half size replicas, which means the moviemakers destroyed miniatures of miniatures).
The spider perches himself on top of these famous buildings, peeking out from behind cover, baiting the army to shoot, which they do (it’s America). Then he leaps away as the building is obliterated. Parkour!
My favourite part is the battle between the spider and Mecha Destructor, where the spider stands on its hind legs and goes toe-to-toe with the robot.
The scale is all over the place. Just roll with it!
Greed Is Good
Like Creepies, the trashing of the city intercuts with a group of trapped people, this time the survivors in the casino/hotel. They include Kristin (Rudd’s ex) and various other employees, gamblers and Elvis impersonators.
One character worth mentioning is a ‘professional’ gambler called Gregg, who takes advantage of the chaos by helping himself to the money that’s lying around.
He stuffs wads of green into his pockets and fills casino cups. Then he starts pulling stuff off the wall that doesn’t even look valuable. His looting session starts at the 46-minute mark and is still going strong when the movie hits one hour.
He’s fallen victim to one of the classic blunders. If you want to survive a disaster movie, rule number one is DON’T LOAD YOURSELF UP WITH CASH OR VALUABLES THAT DON’T BELONG TO YOU!
It’s a punishable sin. The Creepies II screenwriters will never let you get away with it. The loot will weigh you down, literally and figuratively, and you will die because you’re stumbling around, gathering up all the shit you just dropped instead of running.
The preachy and obvious message will be that greed is bad, but I say bollocks to that, we’re in Las Vegas. Why not let the little guy win for a change?
Heartbreak Hotel
Also joining them is Captain Bazooka. He’s been bitten and knows he’s on the road to Deathsville, so he agrees to sacrifice himself while the others escape to the vault.
He places a gas cylinder near the door so when the spiders break through, he can shoot it and blow them (and himself) up. Great plan, except the people who should be escaping to the vault stand behind him and wait.
When he shoots the gas cylinder, they get caught in the explosion and one of them dies needlessly. A giant spider then bursts out of Captain Bazooka’s head. I’ve never seen a spider exit a human body that way before. Well done.
The survivors finally get the message to move. Gregg is loaded up with so much loot that he can’t even stand up. A spider bursts through the wall and kills him (obviously).
Elvis gets killed too. Once again, the king is taken too soon. I’m all shook up. The Luxor is fast turning into the Heartbreak Hotel (okay, I’ll stop).
Three people make it to the vault: Kristen, another casino employee called Brooke and Gregg’s friend, Jeff Quest (proper adventurer name, well done).
The vault is open. Who knew Las Vegas security was so lax? Ocean’s Eleven was full of shit, man. Anyway, Jeff is bitten as he closes the door. They take refuge while the battle outside reaches its drawn-out conclusion.
Snake Eyes
Meanwhile, at the Battle of Las Vegas, the tanks with plasma cannons have a try. Mcginty drives one, and a guy called Lieutenant Commander Snake Eyes (proper army name, well done) pilots the other.
He chews on a cigar as he annihilates the Mandalay Bay hotel with his cannon, before shouting:
“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!”
There it is!
Snake Eyes then gets fried by his own laser when it rebounds off the windows of a hotel. Mecha Destructor ties the spider up at the top of the Stratosphere Tower and blows it away. The end. Finally.
No, wait…ANOTHER giant spider emerges from the wreckage. All the little ones have merged into one giant spider, like in the Creepies. We need to wrap this up somehow.
McGinty’s plasma batteries have run dry and he forgot his charger at home, so he drives into the spider and presses the self-destruct button on his tank.
Most vehicles don’t have self-destruct buttons, for good reason. You’d end up accidentally pressing it when looking for your hazard warning lights or something. But this one proves useful as McGinty sacrifices himself to end the spider menace once and for all.
I’m Flagging
Except…there’s always more spiders. In the final scene, we see hundreds of them fleeing Las Vegas, which renders the entire movie pointless AND leaves the door open for Creepies 3 (which hasn’t materialised yet, but the threat remains).
Astin dies at some point but Rudd rescues those trapped in the vault and reconciles with Kristen. Jeff Quest is still alive, but bitten, which means spiders will burst out of him at some point. It’s a more effective way of suggesting that the threat isn’t over.
I don’t have a good way of wrapping this up because I’ve lost all sense of perspective, time and grip on reality. If you made it this far, what the hell is the matter with you?
If you were to plot giant spider movies on a Dungeons and Dragons alignment chart, the Creepies Brothers would represent chaotic evil. They are a mess, they have no respect for the rules, but despite all that they’re kind of fun. I need to lay down now. It’s been emotional.
Joint rating: 2 spider legs out of 8
