In between making macaroni art, fingerpainting, and nap time at the Community Centre, Eric Robert Stoltz Junior really does spend a surprising amount of time at the movie theater. This weekend, he got to see the second big superhero release of the summer (Nu-Captain America and Thunderbolts don’t count), and he has some thoughts on Fantastic Four that he wanted to share just as fast as the dial-up connection would allow.
All the extra chromosomes in the world still won’t help install that spell checker.
My Problem With The Fantastic Four By Eric Robert Stoltz Junior
Hey there Outposters! I saw Fantastic Four this weekend and while I really enjoyed it there’s one big problem I have with it. That Mexican Homo Pedro Pascal. I’m kidding I’m kidding! He was fine in the flim he used his white voice.
No the porblem I have is an issue I take with a lot of other superhero flims. Where the big supervillian threat they have to face is actually their own fucking fault. Galactus and Shabba Balls would have never come to Earth if Reed didn’t get Sue pregnut and make a cosmic baby.
There wouldn’t have been an Age of Ultron if Tony Spark hadn’t literally created Ultron. How many people did those robots kill? Other than Baron Zemo’s whole family I can see why he was a little salty about that.
And Tony did it again in Iron Man 3 turning Guy Piece into a villain because he didn’t meet him on the roof to make out.
Peter screws up Dr Strangle’s spell and now you got a bunch of nut job supervillains running around New York and hot Anut May gets killed. Nice job Pete you dumb dick.
Who was the big villain in the fist Suicide Squad? Oh yeah their own team mate. Pretty sure Amanda Waller was a DEI hire.
Hey Jor El nice job cramming a codex into your baby so Zod can follow him to Earth. And what is this codex shit anyway? Don’t make up words Zack Snyder I don’t need any more in my vocalbury!
Does Thunderbolts count? I don’t know maybe.
I mean what’s going on here? Why do Hollywood writers think it’s heroic for them to clean up their own mess? These people are so weird.
Anyway back to Fantastic Four what the heck were they dong trying to have a baby? They’re lucky Frankin didn’t come out looking like Michael Berryman.
So yeah I liked the movie but this shit’s got to stop.
Did I forget any superhero flims that used this retarded formula? Let me know in the cornments!
