It seems like only yesterday that I was stumbling out of the cinematic abortion that was Jurassic World: Dominion. Has it been three years already?
The third movie of the second Jurassic Park trilogy ought to have been a franchise killer; a clear sign that these dinosaur movies had run their course and needed to be rested. For a very long time.
Instead, some bright spark greenlit another movie: Jurassic World: Rebirth, and I was there on opening day, first showing. Just when I thought I was out, those pesky dinos pulled me back in.
The reason for this goes back to 1993. Jurassic Park remains the greatest experience I ever had in a theatre that didn’t involve a girl, and every time another one of these movies ‘drops’ like a turd, I’m back to try and recapture that magic, as if it could ever be the same.
But, like the guy who greenlit this movie, I’m nothing if not an optimist. Early reviews for Jurassic World: Rebirth seemed fairly positive, and it stars Scarlet Johansson. If nothing else, I could definitely stand to look at her for two hours.
Only minor spoilers ahead!
Dino Fatigue Is Real
Jurassic World: Rebirth starts with a flashback to 17 years ago (2008 – fuck). Ingen has set up shop on yet another super-secret island and is creating hybrid dinosaurs – cartoonish caricatures of the magnificent creatures we know and love – to satisfy an insatiable customer demand for new content (oh, the irony).
Here we get our first glimpse of the Distortus Rex (yep, that’s its name), a ridiculous looking hybrid with six legs (!), as glimpsed in the trailer. It looks like they crossbred a T-Rex with a fucking beluga whale. It’s not the most promising of starts.
Cut to the present day, where most of the dinosaurs that had spread across the globe in Jurassic World: Dominion are now dead because climate.
The world has fallen out of love with the creatures, and we see museum exhibits closing and dinosaur murals being painted over.
I wonder whether the irony of a world fatigued with dinosaurs was lost on the moviemakers, or whether they were playing into it. Hopefully the latter. Let’s give them some credit.
The remaining dinosaurs live on various islands near the equator, and travelling to these islands is illegal. Corporate douchebag Martin Krebs (Rupert Friend) hires mercenary Zora Bennett (Scarlet Johansson) and her team to retrieve blood samples from three large dinosaurs to cure heart disease or something.
Or, to put it another way: people travel to an island that has dinosaurs on it. Dinosaurs run amok. People try to escape. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.
Captain Cliche
The cast is solid enough, but attempts at characterisation are lightly sketched and don’t add up to much. Scarjo just about carries the movie but doesn’t convince as a badass mercenary. She’s just too nice.
Mahershala Ali’s boat captain is also nice. I just thought these guns-for-hire would be a little more ‘piratey.’
The main character Jurassic World: Rebirth should be Jonathan Bailey’s Dr Henry Loomis, a paleontologist who thankfully isn’t the beta male sap he initially appears to be.
There’s the barest hint of potential attraction between him and Scarjo but of course it comes to nothing. Sorry to keep going on about this, but is romance illegal now? Does it not fit the ‘strong woman’ stereotype?
Lastly, it’s a Jurassic Park/Jurassic World movie, so kids are involved. Don’t roll your eyes – it’s woven into the plot well, and this group is interesting and gives the movie another dimension. One of the kids looks like Dora the Explorer.
Dino Action!
Despite the cliched characters that we’ve seen many times before, Jurassic World: Rebirth is a dinosaur movie, and it excels in the set pieces. There are genuine thrills during the mosasaur attack, the spinosaurus attack, the T-Rex attack, the flying bird dinosaur thing…attack. You get the idea. Dinosaurs attack. A lot.
All your favourites are back, although the raptor and dilophosaurus only cameo this time (and the raptor is done dirty, in my opinion).
Dora the Explorer adopts a cute dinosaur, and the cynic in me says it’s a marketing ploy to sell toys. Baby Yoda has a lot to answer for.
The beluga whale monstrosity is the only blot on the dinosaur action, but that only appears near the end. It might derail the movie for some, but for me it just about avoids an Alien Resurrection/Alien: Romulus situation.
There are some quieter dinosaur moments too, such as the titanosaurus mating dance, accompanied by John Williams’ stirring theme.
It tries its best to capture the wonder of seeing these amazing animals up close, but sadly the special effects can’t live up to the standard of the score.
Franchise? What Franchise?
There are a few nods to the original movies, but not too many, and they come across as fun Easter Eggs rather than a crutch.
I also like the fact that Jurassic World: Rebirth stands alone and doesn’t concern itself with world building, franchise extending or only telling half a story because they’re saving it for the sequel.
There’s nowhere to go from here, really. The story is told. There’s no mid-credits or post-credits sting. It’s a one and done. They’ll still make more, of course, but it’s hard to see where they can go, except to another island where dinosaurs live.
Maybe the dinosaurs can run amok, and the people have to escape and only the douchebags get eaten. Count me in.
