I don’t tend to talk about politics, but I do talk about movies. So when a new documentary about Melania Trump came out, I set aside politics and settled down to enjoy a candid look at the First Lady.
There’s no point in listing the cast, as everyone is just themselves. If you don’t know who Donald Trump is, I just say ‘Welcome to Planet Earth!’
The Story
Melania follows her second time as the first lady as she prepares to move back into the White House, alongside her husband. Donald will become the 47th American president and start his second term.
While Mr Trump is about to ‘Make America Great Again’, taking on the role of one of the most powerful men on Earth, Melania has problems too. For example, what to wear for the presidential inauguration. I had no idea, but apparently shirt collars can chafe a little, so she has it lowered to be more comfortable.
However, she handles pressure like this with elegance and style. I was almost in tears. #PowerfulWoman
There is more pressure on her delicate shoulders, like what colour the envelopes should be for invitations to the White House. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to turn down an invitation to a party because of the colour of the envelope.
She Cares for Our Souls (say that fast)
On top of envelope colours, she has other mundane things to do, like visit the graves of veterans. It’s boring, but then those vets died, so it was important to remember that they died, and she remembered.
On another occasion, Melania met up with a lady who suffered something. Sadly, I genuinely don’t remember what, I think it was war or sexual assault.
The important takeaway from the interaction was how amazing Melania was in hugging this poor lady. Imagine having to go through that? Touching a commoner.
She also has to work very hard to move into the White House. Do you realise how many people she has to delegate to? Dozens! And keeping track of them is more than most women can handle. They didn’t show it, but lifting boxes in Laboutons must have been difficult for her staff as well.
Quotes
Now, I’m going to be honest, I wasn’t going to watch this movie again, so I got the gist of what she said, but it’s not 100% accurate. However, here are some quotes from Melania from the movie.
“My husband has been through more than any other man; being slandered, made fun of, and they even tried to kill him.”
Yes, Donald has been through more than anyone else; in her eyes, he’s basically Jesus with a comb over.
“Moving into the White House, I felt so proud of being an immigrant in this country.”
As I have said, I don’t really follow politics, but I thought Americans didn’t really like immigrants? Or do they only like ones that are married to the President?
“Seeing the graves of these brave soldiers, I feel the weight of they deaths in my heart.”
Based on this film, I honestly don’t think anyone in the US cares about dead soldiers as much as Melania. You should all be ashamed that you don’t care as much!
There are many, many more quotes that are more stomach churning than watching A Serbian Film so I won’t list them.
A Candid Documentary
The thing that really captured my attention in this documentary was how candid and unscripted it was. I mean, seeing Melania in her everyday setting was wonderful.
I cannot imagine that this was reviewed by hundreds of PR handlers and lawyers to make sure she looked as spontaneous as she came across.
There’s a moment where she is asked who her favourite musical artist is, and she spontaneously says Michael Jackson. When asked what his best song was, she answered:
“All of them are great.”
That’s the same answer Donald gave when asked what his favourite bible verse was.
Overall
Melania is the most sycophantic piece of garbage I have ever seen. It feels like if they did a showreel about Hitler, but they only focus on his paintings. There is no challenge, no flip side.
Melania was a good-looking lady once, but now, she’s more plastic than a person. On top of that, she and everyone else who’s seen in the documentary seems to be terrified of her husband.
He seemed Begbie from Trainspotting; he’s everyone’s mate, but they are all terrified of him.
I couldn’t help but think that one wrong joke, word or eye glance, and the Donald would nod at a secret service guy, and have someone dragged out to the garden to be shot and buried.
I get the impression that Melania is more like a loyal dog, who is happy with all the free food and a roof over her head. However, the owner is volatile and if the slightest thing is out of place, and she’s done for.
At the end of the documentary, there are some flashcards about how amazing Melania is. One of them stated she’s ‘revolutionising the role of the First Lady’. For example, she is trying to stop the use of non-consensual AI images of women. Err, Hello! I’m pretty sure Eleanor Roosevelt did that first!
There is nothing real about this documentary at all; it’s 100% scripted, staged, and produced with all aspects designed to make Donald look good. There is not one challenging position, or bad word in the script, and it feels like any person who tried to put anything like that in would have been shot.
This is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen, and that’s me talking.
Melania gets 0 stars. The only reason to watch this is if you are in Guantanamo Bay and they are using it to torture you.
Side Note
On a completely unrelated note. The director of Melania, Brett Ratner, hasn’t worked since 2015. Something to do with #MeToo, but I’m glad he’s back and making movies.
It turns out that Trump was a fan of the Rush Hour movies. Ratner is currently working on Rush Hour 4, which Paramount greenlit after the president personally requested it. #TheCherryOnTop
