When I saw the trailer for War of the Worlds, I wanted to pour something into my eyes to wash them afterwards. I knew it was going to be bad, and I knew I just had to watch it. I mean, Ice Cube was in it, it was bound to be awful.
First of all, let’s look at the history of War of the Worlds. H.G. Wells’ original story was brilliant. It was set in the Victorian era, and after the attack on Earth everything seemed hopeless. It was something new and scary for the readers back then.
Then, Orson Welles adapted it to radio and it scared people half to death. Even though the radio broadcast was introduced as a work of fiction, people thought it was real.
The 1953 movie version of War of the Worlds is hard to beat. Even today, the effects hold up, the story is solid (apart from the ending), the sound effects are still haunting, and that music! It’s a genuine cinema classic.
There have been terrible sequels and reboots, and many people love Spielberg’s 2005 version with Tom Cruise. I wasn’t a fan, as I didn’t like the ‘they were already here’ take on the story. It was solid, but not the original story.
Which brings us up to today. This review will contain spoilers, because they are hilarious!
The 2025 War of the Worlds
This new version stars Ice Cube, Eva Longoria, Iman Benson, Michael O’Neill, Henry Hunter Hall, Devon Bostick, Andrea Savage, and Clark Gregg. Rich Lee is the director; he’s known for music videos, and this is his first, and possibly last, full-length feature. The story is:
A grounded sci-fi film in the vein of District 9, that touches on themes of privacy versus surveillance.
Comparing this to District 9 is like comparing Sydney Sweeney to .
William Radford (Cube) logs into his surveillance computer, somewhere in a deep bunker. He is there to watch the US, keep threats under surveillance, and watch his daughter buy doughnuts. Yes, with all that tech at his fingertips and data following through, he has time to check on his pregnant daughter.
With his surveillance supercomputer, he can log into any camera, anywhere that’s ever been created. I’m pretty sure he could log into an old 8mm analogue cine project for the sake of the story.
While he’s at work, keeping America safe, he also checks in on Facebook and his son’s computer to uninstall a computer game his son is playing.
He is also keeping an eye on some hacker who’s banging on about something called Goliath, which has something to do with government spying. Which is funny, as the entire premise of this movie is set out with a government agent spying on people.
Actually, I’m not sure what Goliath was, because it’s not really important. Well, it might have been, whatever, I didn’t care at this point, which was only 10 minutes in.
The Attack
There’s a huge meteor shower, and it contains the aliens. Most of this is all shot on mobile phones, by people with Parkinson’s, and grease all over their fingers and lenses. The CG is on par with computer games from about 15 years ago. The threat is about as dangerous as a text message from the government asking for Amazon vouchers, which is somehow in an Indian accent. #UnderAVest
As the attack goes on, it seems the alien tripods are stealing data. And not just copying it, but deleting it. William logs into his Facebook account and sees the photos being deleted, one by one. Why? Don’t know.
William is contacted by the hacker guy again, and it turns out, DUH DUH DUH…it’s his son! I properly laughed at this, it was hilarious. William finds out it’s his son by altering the pitch a little on the hacker’s voice until it sounds like his son. Someone actually thought that was a good idea.
Who’s Behind The Attack?
Gregg Clark is some government guy, and it turns out the attack is a way for the government to steal people’s data. #NoWay
Two things here. Firstly, it’s never explained if the tripods are from Mars or government ships, which are a cover for the data stealing. If it was the government, why weren’t they using these machines before?
If it was just an alien attack, did the government have the date-stealing stuff ready to go, just waiting for this kind of thing?
Secondly, does the government need a huge alien attack to steal people’s data? I’m pretty sure a quick phone call to Zuckberg or Musk will do that. No aliens, no terrible CG tripods, just ask for it. It’s not like that’s not already happening. #TinFoilHat
The whole ‘let’s make it about data’ in this War of the Worlds is possibly the stupidest decision since the ‘Martha moment’ in Dawn of Justice.
The Ending
The ending was just uploading a cannibal virus. The thing about this was that we learn they are cutting the data, not just copying it. I guess the cannibal virus means everyone has lost the photos of their cat from 12 years ago now?
It’s still slightly better than the ‘God in all his wisdom made bugs’ ending. Here, it’s ‘humans, in all their wisdom, plugged in a USB stick’.
There is then a moral message about the government stealing data, which again, I belly laughed at, as it’s not like this movie is a warning to everyone.
The Net
Do you remember the movie The Net with Sandra Bullock from 1995? Or Hackers from the same year? Do you remember how hacking was just kind of ‘type what you need and you have it’?
In this War of the Worlds, it’s the same thing. You see, William right-clicks to open up a menu, and it basically has whatever he needs. Need to hack an Uber car…just right click on it and look for ‘Hack Uber Car’ and it’s all done.
I’m not joking, this happens at least ten times in the movie. I need to see into that person’s phone, right click, pick See Phone Camera’ and you’re golden.
The other thing that annoyed me about this trope was that he could have been spying on Sydney Sweeney in the shower any time he wanted, but no, let’s watch his daughter buying doughnuts instead. #NaziJeans
Turning In His Grave
I watched the 1950s War of the Worlds the other day. It’s a movie I grew up with, and even today, it stands up. The effects are stunning, the sound effects, and its just a cinematic classic. The original was made with love for H. G. Wells’ original. Sure, they updated it to what was a modern-day American, instead of Victorian UK, but it was still made with respect.
This new version is not made with respect to H. G. Wells. In fact, this movie is the equivalent of finding his grave, digging up his bones, and then making him play ‘Stop hitting yourself’ for 2 hours, while pointing and laughing at him. There isn’t any kind of respect for his work. In fact, I have no idea why they dragged Wells into this at all!
If this were just a crappy, made-for-TV movie, with aliens and data stealing, it would have just been another churned-out movie. Calling it War of the Worlds was a huge mistake, because people like me won’t ignore it. I’m going to watch it, laugh at it, and then rip it apart on an excellent movie review site…and then at the Last Movie Outpost. The 75th best movie site.
There is a wonderful sense of irony that this movie is on Amazon. The same Amazon that has shown no respect to J. R. R. Tolkien with their awful Rings of Power. In modern entertainment, there is no respect for any original work. For example, see any reboot, prequel, sequel, or reimagining from the last 15 years. This War of the Worlds is a perfect example of having no respect for the original work.
Overall
This version of War of the Worlds is possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen… and that’s me talking! I have seen a lot of bad movies in my time, but this one is a new standard of low.
There is a group of people who wrote this script, then passed it off, and gave people money to make it. They then sat and watched the end result and thought, ‘Yeah, let’s show this baby to the world’.
War of the Worlds is just terrible, in every sense of the word. Ice Cube can’t even seem to drink a coffee convincingly. Everyone else was there for a cheap paycheque. I read it was filmed in lockdown, with all distancing guidelines in place. Some of them were too embarrassed to be in the same room as each other.
I tried to make a new star rating for this, but I couldn’t make minus numbers. War of the Worlds is a generous zero-star movie. It’s not even worth watching to see how bad it is; just avoid it.
