Guess who had to review Kraven? Yep, me. I wasn’t falling for that “Jessica really doesn’t want to be interviewed with you this time” crap from the guys. One of them dangled a KitKat in front of me and I was in.
Kraven the Hunter stars Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Ariana DeBose, Freed Hechinger, Alessandro Nivola, Christopher Abbott, and Russell Crowe. J. C. Chandor directs with Richard Wenk, Art Marcum, and Matt Holloway writing.
As per usual, I know nothing about the character. I’ve never read the comics. I was going into this completely blind, which I do like. I have no idea about the lore of Kraven, but I don’t think it matters. I’m pretty sure the writers didn’t either.
The Story
You might have seen the first few minutes of the movie the other day, with Kraven heading into a Russian prison. That’s where the movie starts and then it’s all downhill from there. The official story is:
Kraven’s complex relationship with his ruthless father, Nikolai Kravinoff, starts him down a path of vengeance with brutal consequences, motivating him to become not only the greatest hunter in the world, but also one of its most feared.
After the Russian prison, we go back 16 years to when young Yuri and Sergei are picked up from boarding school by their father, Nikolai (Crowe). Their mother committed suicide because she was weak, according to Dad.
He takes them to Africa to go hunting, because that’s the best thing to get over the death of a loved one. I know when my dad died I was straight off the local park with an air rifle, and it fixed me right up.
While on the hunt Aleksei (Nivola), aka The Rhino, asks Nikolai about a business opportunity, but he says no. This is why the Rhino becomes the Rhino, because Nik said no. At least the people on Dragon’s Den, or Shark Tank, take rejection well and they don’t go all “super-villain”.
While still on the hunt, Sergei gets attacked by a “legendary” lion. The lion doesn’t kill him, just leaves him to Calypso who’s got a magic potion to make him better. In fact, better than better, he can now smell, see and hear better. He’s faster and basically “super”. I guess the potion Calypso had was the same serum they gave to Steve Rogers, but the herbal version.
The Rest Of The Plot
Man, I can’t believe I’m still writing this. So, Sergei realizes his father is an asshole and is going to save him and his brother. How? By leaving his brother with his dad and never returning.
It’s not a worry though, as his brother doesn’t turn out like his father, he turns into a wet blanket of a restaurant signer. The dad obviously had no influence over him at all! We’ll come back to this.
Kraven becomes a hunter and hunts humans. How do we know? He mentions it every 20 minutes.
It turns out there are lots of poachers on Kraven land that don’t just deal with animals, but guns and drugs and other naughty things. Anyway, he’s not the best hunter in the world, because he needs Calypso’s help. She’s now a lawyer in London and he finds her, just like in real life.
Sigh, I can’t believe this story is so overly complicated. I’m going to sum up, The Rhino kidnaps Sergei’s brother and Kraven goes after him and kills everyone. There’s a bad guy called The Foreigner, he’s got powers, but he’s in it for about 20 minutes.
I’ve had enough of the rest of the story. Basically, Kraven wins, Rhino loses, and the brother is the Chameleon. It’s set up for a sequel but I don’t think even Sony is that stupid.
The Cast
Taylor-Johnson is pefectly average in the role. It’s not like he’s got a lot to do. He has to run fast and look all muscly, which he does fine. He does look buff, we know this because he takes his shirt off every 20 minutes. Then again, if I got my fat ass in that kind of shape I would be showing it off too.
You’d see me doing the shopping, in the local supermarket, in nothing but a banana hammock with hot women caressing my toned form. I would even let some of the ugly women touch me as well, just to give them a treat.
Where was I? The cast. Some of the acting is atrocious. In the beginning, Calypso’s mother/grandmother is as wooden as a dead tree. Some of the rest of the cast are just as bad, it’s like they weren’t given any direction.
It’s not like they had a lot to work from with the script though. A genuine line from the movie from Calypso:
“…then my mother died and I didn’t see her again.”
Now I come to think about it, I haven’t seen my dad since he died. Is that how it works? Great, now I know he’ll never be back…I’d best call my mom.
Overall
I’m still annoyed at how much time I’ve wasted on this. Kraven: The Hunter is just terrible. There is no theme, no real continuity in the story and it’s just laughable in places. For example, the Rhino’s men go to kill Nikolai but fail.
In the shootout, about 20 people die and the place is shot up. Literally, the next day, Serge and his brother go there and it’s all reopened and have new guests. I had no idea the police were so quick in sorting these things out.
The movie is a mess. The story is all over the place, some of the actors are taking it far too seriously, but others are happy to be seeing a paycheque.
The CG goes from “very good” to “seriously? They let that through!”. It’s movies like Kraven that make people get superhero fatigue. It’s a waste of everyone’s time and talents. Don’t waste your time on it.
