I don’t know what I did wrong in a previous life, but it’s certainly being paid back in this life. Guess who had to review The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim?
Yep, me. In a nutshell, this is Lord of the Rings for the “modern audience”.
I haven’t read the books, but I am a fan of the movies. In fact, I watched all three extended editions (obviously) again recently. This was a mistake which I will come back to later.
The War of The Rohirrim stars Gaia Wise, Brian Cox, Miranda Otto, Luca Pasqualino, Lorraine Ashbourne, Shaun Dooley, Benjamin Wainwright and, disappointingly, Billy Boyd, and Dominic Monaghan.
The Story
I know nothing about the original character, but I do know she’s a woman. The official story is:
A sudden attack by Wulf, a clever and traitorous lord of Rohan seeking vengeance for the death of his father, forces Helm Hammerhand, the King of Rohan, and his people to make a daring last stand in the ancient stronghold of the Hornburg.
The movie opens with a voiceover by Otto who says about how amazing Hera is.
She is a woman, she’s strong, her mother died in childbirth. I thought this was an odd thing to add, I mean, we never knew anything about Frodo’s mum, or Aragon’s mum, or anyone’s mum.
Oh, I guess we need to know that Hera is stronger than most, because of being an orphan. #Suffered
Anyways, she’s going to be given in marriage to Wulf to create peace, but she don’t need no man!
So she selfishly says no to marriage, thus causing a war that kills hundreds of people. #Independant
Wulf’s dad and Helm (Cox), Hera’s dad, get into a fight. Helm kills him with one punch. Wulf blames Helm and war breaks out. All because Wulf’s dad couldn’t take a punch. #Pussy
The rest of the movie is about how great Hera is, a brilliant fighter, who can take on any man and is just all-around amazing! #Stunning
Things That Stood Out To Me
I was only half-heartedly watching The War of Rohirrim and with good reason.
The entire thing is: The Lord of the Rings, but written by a female activist.
So, Hera is the main character, she is perfect in almost every way.
She can walk into a war room with men discussing battle plans, make a suggestion, and everyone goes along with. She can take on one of those giant elephant things, by herself, lead it to a swamp creature and kill it.
The last hour, yes, this is two and a half hours long, is just a watered-down The Two Towers. Very watered down, in fact.
So watered down that if Nestle were to bottle it they could sell it for a large profit. The problem is, as I said, I watched all of the LotR movies the other day and the battle at Helm’s Deep is cinematic perfection (apart from Legolas on the surfboard).
It’s a beautifully crafted piece of film. Here, in The War of the Rohirrim, it’s just nothing compared to the original.
She goes out to face Wulf and demands single combat, obviously, because she’s a woman. She gets given a wedding dress to wear, no, I’m not making this up. Instead of wear something stupid into battle, like armour, she goes with a dress.
When Wulf sees her, he says he’s not going to marry her now. She spouts back that she’s not marrying anyone, ‘coz she’s a woman.
When she wins, obviously, the battle is over and she does not kill all of Wulf’s men, she shows mercy and sends them back to their families. Again, I kid you not.
Overall
Hera is a Mary Sue, everything is handed to her and she just coasts through life being amazing at everything. Her dad is pretty badass, but she’s a focus.
Because her dad is one of the other main characters, he’s shot about 50 times with arrows but still carries on fighting. He’s not a Red Shirt from Star Trek.
The animation is nice and, in some places, looks amazing. It took me back to the days of Akira, Wicked City or Ghost in a Shell. On paper, an animation of the Lord of the Rings should work, but no one told the writers.
The War of the Rohirrim is another modern movie, aimed at the modern audience and completely missing the mark of storytelling.
There are a handful of blue-haired activists who will love this and love Hera. Everyone else will think it sucks, including me, a middle-aged white man. The one star is for the nice animation.