Monique Gabrielle is a name that means counselor/God is my strength.
That makes total sense. I need a counselor and supernatural strength to recover from a Monique Gabrielle triple-feature.
What would drive a man to subject himself to such a thing? If said man is a twelve-year-old boy, the answer is obvious, but I am not a twelve-year-old boy. I am a broken old man-child.
My greatest ambition when I get out of bed in the morning is to make it to a point in the day when I can go back to bed.
My only explanation is that I subjected myself to such pain so that I can join a self-harm support group and perhaps turn it into some sort of Fight Club where I get to punch Jared Leto.
Monique Gabrielle
Monique was born in Kansas City but grew up in Denver, Colorado. She attended a private Christian school. Her father was a nudist and inspired his daughter to follow in his footsteps.
(Take note fathers of daughters: this is not optimal parenting.)
Nonetheless, Monique sorted it out, in her own head, at least. She appeared in Penthouse in 1982 and then starred in a variety of mainstream and adult films. She retired from acting in 2002. The most recent bit of trivia states she runs a porno film production company in Southern Florida called Monique’s Purrfect Productions.
That name smells like strawberry lotion and self-loathing.
Monique appeared in movies like Night Shift, Airplane II and Flashdance, but most people recognize her as the temptress, Tracey, in the raunchy Michael Dudikoff comedy Bachelor Party.
Now that the groundwork has been laid, let’s move on to the Monique Gabrille Triple Feature.
Angel Eyes
Angel Eyes (1993) is one of the many erotic thrillers that came out in the wake of Basic Instinct. It is about a mentally retarded girl who tries to reunite with her stepdad in between halfhearted lesbian dalliances with his girlfriend and murdering people.
I hoped for some sort of neo-noir movie in the vein of a flick that would appear on Showtime and star Jeff Fahey or C. Thomas Howell. What I got was a movie so bad that it doesn’t even rate an entry on Wikipedia.
Angel Eyes does have a couple items of note. Erik Estrada is in it. He mostly walks around a pool full of topless women and give off the aura of a loan shark enforcer who spends whatever money he skims off the top on Drakkar Noir and shirts that button all the way to the top. I’m pretty sure some of the outtakes show Estrada passing out from lack of blood to the brain due to neck constriction.
It is hard to believe Estrada is 5’11. He is the most five-five 5’11 I have ever seen. One can imagine how his participation in the film was procured…
Producer: We need star power. Hey, Erik Estrada, what are your terms?
EE: I want a burrito.
Producer: How about half a burrito…?
EE: Sold!
Producer: You know you’re not even Mexican, right?
Monique Gabrille Angel Eyes
Other stars of Angel Eyes include Rachel Vickers, who goes by the stage name of Raven. All I have to say about that choice of a moniker is “Nevermore…”
I know Raven is supposed to sound sleek and sexy, but it mostly sounds like the name of a GI Joe character.
Low and behold, it is the name of a GI Joe character…
The craziest casting coup is the stepfather. John Phillip Law portrays him. Law starred as the title character in the cult classic Danger: Diabolik and as Sinbad in the Ray Harryhausen classic The Golden Voyage of Sinbad.
In Angel Eyes, Law mostly spends his time in the amorous clutches of Raven as she writhes about in faux ecstasy. Note: Law was 60-years-old at the time. Add the smell of Ben Gay to that combination of strawberry lotion and self-loathing…
Monique Gabrille plays a mental retard with a penchant for going topless. She reminds one of Charlize Theron’s character in Arrested Development, just less whimsical and more topless. I’m not sure what her deal is exactly. She lived in a mental institution and maybe killed her mother. Then she wants to go live with her stepdad and take showers with his girlfriend.
And that’s about it, really…
I’ve already forgotten most of Angel Eyes, but I do now have a craving for a burrito…
Evil Toons
Evil Toons (1992) is B-movie maven Fred Olen Ray’s answer to the question of what if Who Framed Roger Rabbit had 100 percent less quality but 100 percent more boobs?
Plot-wise, Evil Toons is about four coeds who stay in a mansion for a weekend to clean it. They find an ersatz Necronomicon and conjure up a cartoon Tasmanian devil. Said cartoon gets 90 seconds of screentime before possessing a porno actress who murders Dick Miller and is eventually banished by David Carradine.
Evil Toons opens with David Carradine hanging himself, by the way, which I randomly mention because it has no weird connotations whatsoever…
Evil Toons is better than Angel Eyes, however, in much the same way athlete’s foot is better than jock itch. It at least sort of follows the general broad outlines of a horror story. You have a location, victims and a killer. It’s a simple formula that is hard to screw up.
Of course, Evil Toons screws it up. Most of the movie is spent with the female characters trying to exercise their comedic chops. Someone should tell them “chops” means “skills” in this case because they literally seem to be trying to karate chop their careers…metaphorically, of course.
Evil Toons Monique Gabrielle
If Angel Eyes was Monique’s attempt at serious acting, Evil Toons is her attempt at branching out. She only gets topless once. That displays a lot of range for her. She plays a nerdy girl who has all the answers. She even wears glasses.
Most of Monique’s performance is very similar to what you might see from the teenager with the third biggest part in a rural high school musical rendition of Anything Goes. The rest of it is a bit like something out of Abott & Costello Meet The Monsters. At one point, Monique’s ponytail even stands straight up, complete with a boing sound effect.
Monique’s costars appear to be played by other adult film actresses. They display that attitude of performers who are powered purely by simp energy. Sadly, simp energy is one of the most inefficient sources of power that exist because simps are the most powerless beings that exist in the dynamics of a society. Not that I speak from experience, you should understand.
In the end, Evil Toons is a goofy experience. At times it displays glimmers of charm, but it is definitely one of those films that did not seem to have a screenplay. It had a list of suggestions.
976-EVIL II
Speaking of pornography, 976-EVIL II is the sequel to 976-EVIL, the film that Stephen Geoffreys did instead of Fright Night 2, which shortly led to him going into gay pornography.
But here’s the crazy thing…976-EVIL II is actually kind of fun. I did not see that coming at all. The reason for this is because it is a Jim Wynorski film. Wynoriski is another B-film auteur who is responsible for couple of watchable movies that include Chopping Mall, Deathstalker II, Big Bad Mama II and The Return of Swamp Thing. He even wrote the script for Beastmaster 2, which I reviewed here not too long ago.
To be honest, I did not pay a great deal of attention in the beginning, so I’m not sure what the plot is precisely. It is mostly about Rene Assa (Deep Cover), who looks a bit like Ted Sorel, astral projecting himself out of prison to murder people.
Despite this, 976-EVIL II puts forth a surprising amount of effort. It has an excessive amount of driving stunts for a film like this. It deposits a character in It’s A Wonderful Life a couple years before Zemekis put Forrest Gump in old films. A floating AK-47 appears. Plus, it even has Brigitte Neilsen who good-naturedly appeared in the film because she lost a bet.
976-EVIL II Monique Gabrielle
Monique hardly appears in 976-EVIL II, so her damage is minimal, or should I say DDamage is minimal… She plays a lawyer, who eventually ends up in an out-of-control car that crashes into a substation.
I liked how the substation’s “transformers” appeared to be constructed from the Jolly Green Giant’s empty toilet paper tubes.
The bulk of 976-EVIL II is carried by Patrick O’Bryan from the original. He plays a motorcycle dude who doesn’t wear a helmet because his hair is gelled into one.
Debbie James plays the girl. She appeared in a Bon Jovi video once.
Overall, 976-EVIL II entertained in a quaint way. No need exists to beat it up too much.
Monique Gabrielle Closing
Ultimately, pornography is labeled as destructive. It often ruins lives and relationships with its addictive nature, and it creates a stink that is hard to get off for the people who work in it that try to branch out into more mainstream fare. For every Traci Lords you end up with ten adult performers who probably starred in a Monique Gabrielle film. And how far did Traci Lords ascend anyway? A bit part in Blade? The Tommyknockers?
The fact that Monique ended up owning a porno production company is unsurprising. The rise of Internet pornography effectively killed the B-movie market Monique made her hay in. No need exists for films like Angel Eyes and Evil Toons anymore. Audiences don’t have to seek them out to see topless women. Now they simply go on OnlyFans and see a whole lot more.
Monique’s real name is Katherine Gonzalez. Katherine means “pure” and Gonzalez means “safe in battle.” That’s the sort of tragic irony that you find in classic movies. Alas, you won’t find any classic movies here. Let’s do this, Leto…
