Scary Movie (2026) is black comedians doing black face comedy.
One can only imagine how many cornrows will be shorn because of this film. The ramifications will be like the end of Conan the Barbarian, where all the disillusioned cult members throw their torches in the water and walk away.
In this case it will be blunts dropped into half-finished bottles of orange soda.
So many black men are going to trade their low-hung jeans in for Dockers, and so many black women are going to file real fingernails again. Then they will look at each other and say, “We should get married and name our kids ‘John’ and ‘Jane’ and raise them to speak the Kings instead of thinking themselves kings…”
I’m the color of plain yogurt, and Scary Movie still made me lament the miniscule levels of melanin that I do possess. It does that much damage to the black aura.
Scary Movie
Scary Movie is the Wayans Brothers first return to the spoof franchise in 13 years. That is fo’ sho’ unlucky for them. Joining them are numerous performers from the original Scary Movie released in 2000.
These include Anna Faris, Regina Hall, Jon Abrahams, Lochlyn Munro, Cheri Oteri, Dave Sheridan and Chris Elliott.
I looked forward to seeing Cheri Oteri again. I always enjoyed her slightly manic irreverence. Chris Elliott is another sentimental favorite. I’ve been watching some of his lunatic Get a Life episodes lately, and who can forget Cabin Boy? Likewise, Dave Sheridan should have been bigger. His Frank McKlusky, C.I. is stupidly good fun
Yet, all of them should have stayed home. The paycheck wasn’t worth their dignity. “Sometimes dead is better,” as Jud Crandall was wont to say…
Elliott is the only one who escapes mostly unscathed because he is only in the movie for about thirty seconds. The trailer makes one think he is going to take the piss on Longlegs, but the trailer lies. He has roughly two lines.
Scary Movie Stories To Tell In The Dark
The bulk of Scary Movie is Faris and Hall looking old, Marlon Wayans being loud and Shawn Wayans trying to pretend all of this isn’t a terrible idea. Some other Wayans folk appear, as well, but why embarrass them by mentioning names?
As for the youngsters that join the cast, they will probably show up for auditions for future roles, and the casting director will ask them, “Hey, weren’t you in Scary Movie ’26?”
They will immediately channel Peter in the courtyard when asked if he knew Jesus: “NO!”
“Sorry, my mistake. And how would I know anyway? No one watched that movie but some reviewer at The Last Movie Outpost.”
And they will laugh and laugh…
But I didn’t laugh. Not once. I mostly wanted to leave, but I had no ride, so I was forced to stay. I saw every minute of the film, but I couldn’t describe the plot. Some might say that is fine for a spoof film, but they would be wrong.
Scary Movie is not a spoof film either. It doesn’t spoof anything. It simply references other movies by having black people be loud about them instead of clever about them.
Scary Movie Outpost
Scary Movie was touted as the film that would destroy woke. Does it at least do that?
No. It has multiple opportunities to skewer various social subjects, but it displays zero testicular fortitude to go through with any jokes. I see better jokes reading The Last Movie Outpost on a random Tuesday than I did in Scary Movie.
In the end, it seems that the punchline of every joke is to simply act the fool. Nothing else exists behind any of the comedy.
I can watch the first Scary Movie and laugh multiple times. It is riddled with stupid exchanges that land within the story and characters. For example:
Bobby: I’m gay. And in case you haven’t noticed, so is Ray.
Ray: What? I ain’t gay!
Bobby: What are you talking about? You took me to that club.
Ray: So? They play good music.
I’m all for stupid comedies. Earlier this year, I voluntarily said to Stark, Boba, Hawk and Yoda, “Balls Up has some laughs. Check it out sometime.”
That one scene from Balls Up has more humor than all of Scary Movie. The Naked Gun reboot was bad, but the Scary Movie “rebooty” is even worse. Run. Save yourself.
Scary How Bad It Is Movie
Mercifully, Scary Movie is only 90 minutes long. I’m pretty sure I lived several lifetimes in that theater, though. By the time Shaquille O’Neal showed up, I didn’t even have the will to wonder why he would do that to himself. He is worth about $500 million, and all they could think of to work with in his regard was to namedrop the deceased Kobe Bryant.
For a movie that tries to be funny, Scary Movie does bring up one serious question. Are black people funny anymore?
Those of us courting Alzheimer’s remember when people like Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy absolutely dominated comedy. Then the Wayans came along and did a’ight for themselves for a time (at this point, Marlon should stick with things like HIM; he was great in that). Bernie Mac went too soon. Martin Lawrence is forgotten.
So, who is left then? Dave Chappelle tries to be Carlin now and do more philosophy than jokes. Katt Williams and Chris Rock are too based to get the big jobs. The big jobs go to Kevin Hart. Meanwhile, Tyler Perry does most of his work in a dress.
Or maybe it is because everyone is afraid to laugh at black people these days. It might come off as racist. That makes Scary Movie a very, very safe film. Anyone watching it will seem like they take racial matters very, very seriously…
