Tim Burton and Gone Girl writer Gillian Flynn are ready to remake Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman. Oh hell yes! This is like a Last Movie Outpost wet dream – the comments section is gonna be…
The Original
The original Attack of the 50 Foot Woman was released in 1958, a year Drunken Yoda remembers fondly because it was the first time he was allowed to buy alcohol legally.
It tells the story of Nancy Archer, a rich socialite who is unhappily married to her husband Harry, who left her once but came back to her when he needed money. Nancy is abused by Harry and after an alien encounter, she grows to a giant size of 50 feet (the clue is in the film title). After an aborted murder attempt by her beloved Harry, she goes after her cheating husband with revenge on her mind.
The Remake
In 1993, it was remade starring the smoking-hot Daryl Hannah and Daniel Baldwin. It has the same plot and characters but is more tongue-in-cheek and certainly takes advantage of Hannah’s 50ft assets. Oh hubba-hubba!
Other 50 Footers
Of course, Hollywood is gonna Hollywood and there have been numerous “alternatives” to the original. We’ve had 2012’s Attack Of the 50Ft Cheerleader but most importantly in 1995, we got Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold!
Now, this is a remake I can get behind! Back in the 90’s when women were hot, they oozed sex appeal and they didn’t have dicks. Glorious, simpler times. I’ve been wanting to resurrect Film Club for quite some time but there is always reluctance from some. Surely, for the love of God, I can tempt you to watch this together, with some beers and verbal shit posting? If not, then I’ll just take it that you are all…
Back To Burton
Sorry, I digressed. Let’s get back to what Tim is cooking. This won’t be his first B-Movie style sci-fi caperr. We’re all familiar with Mars Attacks!, which was based on the Topps trading cards.
This was back in the day when Burton was AAA-List and could recruit the likes of Jack Nicholson, Danny DeVito, Michael J. Fox, Annette Bening, Natalie Portman etc. But things went a little south with Dumbo, Alice in Wonderland, Charlie And The Chocolate Factory and Planet of the Apes.
However, Burton does seem to be back on track these days with his Netflix series Wednesday earning plaudits and we have Beetlejuice Beetlejuice coming up later this year. So it seems that Burton is once again staying in his lane and doing what he does best, so hopefully it means his Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman will be more in line with this style.
I genuinely hope not though, because I want the new Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman to be 21st Century-tastic. Make it to be rife with #MeToo references, toxic masculinity, oppressed wimmin, blah, blah, blah.
I want a movie that will make Barbie look like Commando. I want the feminists, the gays, and the virtue signallers getting their front bottoms moist and clapping like seals about a new female empowerment movie… and then watching it fail like so many before it.
Nothing would make me happier than Hollywood handing us on a silver platter, another propaganda piece for us to tear to shreds, watch it suffer a humiliating death at the box office, and for us to play in the ashes of a raized Hollywood. I just hope they hire Lizzo for the role of Nancy Archer.
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