2 Lava 2 Lantula is the somewhat rushed sequel to SyFy’s 2015 giant spider epic, Lavalantula. The title is a 2 Fast 2 Furious reference, but you knew that already.
As if the title wasn’t silly enough, a title card appears onscreen stating that ‘the following events are based on a true story.’ Ha-ha, those rascals.
Released one year after the original, and cunningly set one year later, a lot seems to have changed for Steve Guttenberg’s Colton West. He’s had a personality transplant for one, or maybe a stroke.
He talks out the side of his mouth in an intentionally terrible gruff Clint Eastwood style. At least I think it’s intentional. There are moments where he hams it up, but at other times he genuinely seems to be trying to pull it off (but fails). Sometimes he forgets the whole thing and talks normally, only to go back to it in the next scene.
I wonder if he played each scene both ways in different takes and they just randomly cut them together, sometimes using the Clint take and sometimes the Mahoney take.
Retcon
Colton also has a stepdaughter, Raya, who we never knew about until now. This means his wife Olivia already had a child when they met twenty years ago, who wasn’t mentioned in the first movie.
It’s not impossible, but is unconvincing, especially as Olivia doesn’t appear in the sequel to help sell it. Perhaps she was busy, or perhaps this movie was just too lava for her. Too lantula.
They explain Olivia’s absence by saying she’s on a yoga retreat in another country (sorry guys, there’s no major boobage in this one). In Lavalantula, their only child was Wyatt, who you may remember as the 30-year-old teenage BMX bandit. He shows up once in 2 Lava 2 Lantula in a video call.
So 2 Lava 2 Lantula is about stroke victim Colton trying to rescue a girl we don’t know from a new wave of lavalantulas. There’s a subplot where he wants her to call him ‘Dad’ but she’s embarrassed to. I’ve got a feeling she’ll do it by the end, but I don’t really give a shit to be honest.
And anyway, if he’s been her stepdad since she was very young (she’s 21 now), how did they not iron this out years ago? The writers seem to have lost track of their own retcon and are writing these two characters like they just met. Which they have. They aren’t fooling anyone.
Clown Cops
At least Colton’s Police Academy sidekicks are still around to provide continuity. Marion Ramsey doesn’t have much to do, but Michael Winslow (Marty) accompanies Colton on his rescue mission and saves money on the sound effects budget by doing them himself. You know how he is. Just let him get on with it.
Colton is filming a movie in Florida. Marty was a crew member in Lavalantula but has been upgraded to Colton’s co-star (it’s very meta). Oh, and the movie-within-a-movie is called Clown Cops, so the Police Academy reference is clear. But Marty hasn’t completely abandoned his former profession.
You might remember that Marty designed Colton’s Turbo Man jetpack that actually worked and should have made him a billionaire. He’s got a new invention: a futuristic gun straight out of Starship Troopers dubbed ‘a cold day in Hell.’ It shoots liquid nitrogen, in case those pesky lavalantulas return.
Those Pesky Lavalantulas Return
In the next scene, lavalantulas explode out of the ground at a beach in Florida. What a coincidence, Colton is in Florida! Florida is also where Raya attends University, except she’s taken a break and gone to the beach for the day. Oh wait…
The first thing I noticed about the initial attack is that the spider effects have taken a nosedive. Less detail, less inner glow. This may be due to the rushed nature of the production, but I have an in-movie theory for the difference. Here it is: these lavalantulas aren’t quite as hot as the ones in the original. You’re welcome.
Colton is on the phone to Raya when the lavalantulas appear. They need to get to Fort Lauderdale to rescue her, so Colton, Marty and Colton’s assistant Kyle grab their guns and hijack a helicopter.
They head to what I assumed was Fort Lauderdale – a large urban area with lavalantulas running around. We intercut with Raya and her friend Daniela dodging spiders in a similar environment. It seems like this will be a quick rescue, but after fighting off some lavalantulas, ditching their cop outfits and dressing up like Miami Vice, Colton, Marty and Kyle steal a car and drive out of town!
So where were they, if not Fort Lauderdale? They had a helicopter, but instead of flying straight to their destination, they landed in some other random city for no reason. When they attempt to enter Fort Lauderdale they get turned away by the army. Their car then gets stuck in a swamp and they spend twenty minutes of the movie lost in the Everglades. It’s all so unnecessary.
Police Academy 8: Assignment Miami Beach 2
In the Everglades they meet a dude called Alligator Dundee (I understood that reference). Lavalantulas are emerging there too, but these are a NEW BREED (it’s a sequel, it’s required). These ones fire spiky projectiles and Alligator Dundee catches one in the chest.
It isn’t one of those wounds that seems innocuous but isn’t. A burning spike is embedded in his chest. It looks serious, and it is. Kyle ties a tourniquet around his leg, which would only make sense if his leg was wounded. He proudly exclaims:
I’ve stopped the bleeding. Or he’s ran out of blood.
I’m no doctor, but I doubt that either of those is true. The spike would have cauterised the wound while shredding and cooking his internal organs. Blood loss was the least of his problems.
They end up blasting across the Everglades in an airboat, which I’ve wanted to do ever since I saw it in Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach.
I have a conspiracy theory that I’d like to share. Police Academy 5 was the first of the series not to feature Steve Guttenberg (he bailed to film Three Men and a Baby). I put it to you that Mr Guttenberg watched Police Academy 5, saw them having fun in their airboats and got hella jealous.
His former cast mates probably called him at odd hours and taunted him with tales of how great it was, while he was getting puked on by somebody else’s baby. 28 years later, Steve Guttenberg cashed in his meagre Lavalantula-related Hollywood clout to scratch his airboat itch.
He achieved this by requiring that 2 Lava 2 Lantula be set in Florida and demanding that they write an Everglades detour into the script that makes no sense in terms of the story or Florida’s geography. I rest my case.
Raya of light
Meanwhile Raya (remember her) and her friend Daniella team up with two guys called TJ and Brick (WTF?). They too have liquid nitrogen guns because they are preppers, which means they prepared for this eventuality.
Daniella is bitten on the back by a lavalantula during the initial attack. This wound is DEFINITELY one that seems innocuous but isn’t, in true giant spider movie tradition. Even TJ points out that she’s doomed, and you know a trope has been overused when the characters themselves start to notice.
Raya and co attempt to leave town but a lava-filled chasm opens up in the road. I hate it when that happens. It’s always when you’re already late for work. They exhaust their liquid nitrogen supply freezing the spiders that emerge, so they travel to Raya’s University for a top-up.
The University has been evacuated, which saves money on the extras budget. They enter a cold room and when Raya exits, a lavalantula is staring at her but doesn’t attack. They speculate that this is because her body heat has been lowered by the cold, which makes them invisible to the spiders.
This is inconsistent with the original movie. In that one the spiders attack a stuffed mammoth, which would have no body heat, movement or sound. The spiders must have been using their eyes to detect it. Putting that aside, it’s an interesting concept that could have resulted in some suspenseful scenes, but is wasted.
When Raya and TJ emerge from the cold room again, they sneak around the lab to evade a spider in a deliberate rip-off of the Jurassic Park kitchen scene. But why do they need to sneak around if they are invisible to the spider?
They Are Too Lava. Too Lantula
Colton and co (is it me or does that sound like a firm of hitmen?) end their hydrofoil joyride and wind up at an alligator show. It isn’t long before the NEW BREED of lavalantulas arrive. One of them barbecues an alligator with its flamethrower breath, which is a symbolic act that places the spiders at the top of the food chain.
The crowd scatters and several people are impaled by spikes. One lady gets one right through the noggin in probably my favourite shot of the movie. Colton steals another helicopter and heads for the University (he’s tracking Raya’s phone – stalker alert).
At the University, Daniella’s bite continues to worsen. She goes from being smoking hot to literally smoking hot as all the little spiderlings (aw, cute) that she’s been impregnated with begin emerging from the wound.
A similar scene in Lavalantula had the spiders crawl out of the girl’s mouth. Daniella puts her hand over her mouth so they burst out of her eyes instead. It’s a nice idea, but the special effects aren’t up to the challenge.
Spiders surround Brick. Realising he can’t escape, he goes out with the best line of the movie:
They are too lava. Too lantula.
We then get a SECOND Jurassic Park kitchen scene rip-off with Raya and TJ (Syfy must have hired the kitchen for the whole day and wanted to get their money’s worth). Colton eventually rescues them.
Gargantulantula
Raya then takes on the vacant scientist role and retrieves the heat signatures of the lavalantulas from the University computers. The heat signature is massive, which can mean only mean one thing. And no, it isn’t a mommalantula this time. It’s a sequel, it must be bigger.
Colton dubs it the ‘gargantulantula,’ which is a freaking awesome name (and definitely not of Mayan origin). It lives up to its name too because it’s as big as a sports stadium. It’s got me questioning whether I need to add a sixth stage to my sizeable spider sizing system (SSSS). This one is even bigger than the big ass spider in Big Ass Spider (2013). Stadium size!
I almost forgot that Martin Kove is in 2 Lava 2 Lantula. You might remember him as the evil, scenery-chewing sensei Kreese from The Karate Kid, or possibly as the evil, scenery-chewing sensei Kreese from Cobra Kai.
In 2 Lava 2 Lantula, Kove plays an evil, scenery-chewing army officer with a letter for a middle name (Colonel Nathan R Chester – proper military name, well done). He spends the whole movie in a control room. He does what you expect: ignores the advice of the hero and orders an air strike on the gargantulalantula that doesn’t work (it’s too hot, so the rockets explode before they get close to it).
His back-up plan is to nuke the city. Of course it is.
Plane stupid
After escaping the University, Colton and co head to TJ’s house to have dinner. Talk about a momentum killer. As luck would have it, TJ’s dad is an ex-firefighter who demonstrates that fire retardant works on the lavalantulas. He also knows the location of a large stash of fire retardant at the airport. He can also fly a plane.
Can you see where this is going? Me too! As far as plotting goes, it’s totally retardant, but we’ve got to get to the third act somehow. They’re sitting round a table eating fried chicken, for God’s sake.
They take off in the plane and fly towards the gargantulantula (not sure if I spelt it right because it’s not a real word so it gets the squiggly red line treatment even if I do spell it right).
The spider shoots a fireball at them so their solution is to fly so high that the plane freezes, which will render it invisible to the spider (so that’s what the freezer sequence was foreshadowing earlier. Got it!).
The problem with that plan is the propellers freeze, the plane stalls and they plummet vertically towards the ground. Colton is still able to get out of his seat and walk to the back. The bay doors won’t open, which he says is a ‘big problem.’ I guess the death plunge is just a minor inconvenience.
As they near the ground, the propellors unfreeze and TJ’s Dad pulls the C130 out of the stall. I have no idea if this is realistic, but I have my suspicions.
This also means freezing the plane was pointless, because it’s now unfrozen again. Plus, they are dropping the retardant from a great height so they don’t need to get near the spider. It’s like they aren’t even trying anymore.
How Does It End, Spoiler Boy?
Colton rides the payload like a cowboy as it drops from the plane. He needs to set it off near the ground otherwise the fire retardant will disperse too widely. He calls Raya just before he jumps and she calls him ‘dad.’ Told you.
Colton douses the gargantulantula. The retardant cools it enough for the missiles to get through. Spider go boom. Cue an excess of celebratory laughter.
In conclusion, it’s not great, but it sure is fun. If you’re into complete and utter nonsense, then this is the movie for you. They could have put that on the poster if I hadn’t waited so long to write this.
I need to point out that this is the most reference-heavy giant spider movie of all time. Here is a list of the movie references I spotted:
Movie references in 2 Lava 2 Lantula
- Police Academy: Clown Cops movie-within-a-movie. Plus the cast.
- The Fast and the Furious: Colton says ‘it doesn’t matter if you win by an inch or a lava landslide,’ which is close to one of Vin Diesel’s quotes from that movie (not the lava part).
- 2 Fast 2 Furious: the title.
- Poltergeist: girl says ‘they’re here’ in an ominous tone when the spiders appear.
- Dirty Harry: Colton calls Kyle ‘punk,’ which may be a tenuous link to Dirty Harry’s catchphrase, seeing as Colton spends much of the movie aping Clint Eastwood (badly).
- Apocalypse Now: Marty hums Ride of the Valkyries when Colton hijacks a helicopter.
- Aliens: Colton and Marty tear each other’s clothes off when they get burned, like when Ripley pulls off Hicks’ armour when acid burns through it. A subtle reference, but it’s there, trust me.
- The Terminator: Colton says ‘we’ve got to Kyle Reece this situation,’ when they go looking for new clothes. At least they don’t rob a hobo.
- Miami Vice: their new clothes resemble the outfits worn in Miami Vice.
- Crocodile Dundee: a man calls himself Alligator Dundee.
- Predator: Alligator Dundee whispers ‘I see you,’ while covering another person’s mouth, like Mac in Predator. Plus Marty says ‘choppah,’ in the Arnie style, but it’s a sloppy attempt and not up to his usual standard.
- Frankenfish: yes, it’s a movie. I’ve seen it. Alligator Dundee references it.
- Python: Alligator Dundee again, probably referencing the 2000 Syfy movie, Python.
- The Karate Kid: Martin Kove utters Cobra Kai’s motto (‘strike first, strike hard, no mercy) and suggests ‘sweeping the leg’ of the spider. WE GET IT!
- Pulp Fiction: the guy running the alligator show says ‘Zed’s dead.’
But Wait. There’s More
- Scarface: someone is dismembered via chainsaw, plus Colton says ‘say hello to my little friend.’
- Jurassic Park: TWO kitchen scenes, plus a version of the ending where the raptors surround them (except with spiders). Also, the banner floats down.
- Independence Day: inspirational speech before taking off in a plane.
- Star Trek: Marty speaks like Scotty on the intercom.
- The Empire Strikes Back: Colton says ‘never tell me the odds.’ Twice.
- Apollo 13: ‘Houston, we’ve got a problem.’ Obviously. Name one other line from that movie. You can’t do it, and neither can I.
- Dr Strangelove: riding the payload out of the plane like a rodeo cowboy.
- Die Hard: Colton says ‘yippee ki-yay, gargantulantula.’ ‘Gargantulantula’ replaces ‘motherfucker’ because 2 Lava 2 Lantula it’s made-for-television and they can’t swear on TV.
- Indiana Jones: Colonel Chester compares Colton to Indy.
- Cocoon: two Cocoon cast members appear near the end, apparently playing the same characters, who were aliens. I had to look that one up. It’s one of those references where you know it’s a reference but can’t quite figure out what for. I haven’t seen that movie in about a hundred years.
Rating 3 spider legs out of 8
