Guess who drew the short straw and had to review Borderlands? Muggins here. I had no idea what to expect, but I had heard it was bad. Really bad, like Uwe Boll bad.
I think I have played the game, but I cannot be sure. Honestly, I knew nothing about the lore of the game or the story. Personally, I like going into movies like that, knowing nothing about them. The story is:
Based on the best-selling videogame, this all-star action-adventure follows a ragtag team of misfits on a mission to save a missing girl who holds the key to unimaginable power.
Borderlands stars Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Edgar Ramirez, Jamie Lee Curtis, Ariana Greenbelt, Gina Gershon, Janina Gavanker and Jack Black. I was surprised to learn that Eli Roth wrote and directed it.
I find Roth hit and miss. Some of his horror is too over the top, even for me. I started watching The House with a Clock in its Walls, but I couldn’t finish it. To be honest, I’m amazed I made it through Borderlands.
The Story
Breaking down the story a bit more, the action takes place on Pandora. Which is at the arse end of space, however, there is a hidden vault somewhere which hides unlimited power. As you can imagine, the planet is wreck with every mercenary in the universe looking for it.
Roland (Hart) is sent to rescue Tiny Tina (Greenbelt) by her father (Ramirez). It is said, Tiny Tina holds the key to finding, and opening, the vault. Then we cut to Lilith (Blanchett) who is also sent to find Tiny Tina. In fact, it seems everyone in the universe has been sent to find Tina. I think I got an email at one point about it.
What happens for the rest of the movie is a series of action sequences that pretty much move the plot along. Honestly, that’s about it. This is like watching someone play the game.
The writing is terrible. I feel at this moment in time, all of Hollywood is trying to out crap each other. Disney seems to be winning on the bad writing front, but movies like this are a close second.
They are looking for keys to open this hidden vault. At one point, Lilith literally goes ‘Here’s one, I just found it’. It was pretty much on a shelf in a bunker. It’s honestly a new level of lazy writing.
The Cast
I don’t think a single cast member in this is right for the role. All I kept thinking was that everyone was doing this for a paycheque. Either a pay cheque or some form of court-ordered discipline.
“You’ve been caught making comments on social media against Disney. The court orders you to do a video game to movie adaptation.”
Everyone is just bored in this movie. Blanchett is just horrible. Hart has never been entertaining, ever. Lee Curtis is hammier than a ham sandwich. Black is just more annoying than he usually is.
The only person who is having fun is Ramirez, but he’s barely in it. Krieg (Munteanu), I think it was, I can’t be arsed to check, just spouted catchphrases.
Overall
Borderlands is so bad, I’m writing this review while still watching it. I haven’t reached the end yet and I just don’t care. I would have been better off watching a streamer play the game on Twitch or YouTube.
According to the IMDB, this movie cost $115 million to make. I can’t help but think, if you gave this to a bunch of nobodies, took three zeroes off that budget and sent it straight to streaming, it might have been more fun.
You can miss Borderlands as much as a stormtrooper would miss Luke and Leia. It’s terrible, but not in a good way. It gets half a star as I found Janina Gavankar attractive in it, even with the lesbian haircut.
