I’m straight out of the cinema and here typing up my review of The Flash whilst it’s still fresh in my memory. And that’s the problem, The Flash is now part of my memory and it’s going to take a lot to erase it. Yeah, sorry Outposters but the news is not good, not good at all.
Now, before you all roll your eyes and say: “Here we go, Eggy can’t let go of the Snyderverse and we knew he was going to hate it.”, I will honestly say I went into this movie with an open mind and the hope that The Flash would genuinely put to the whole Snyderverse thing to bed and allow DC fans to move on to a bright future. But alas!
I’ll keep this spoiler free. Here goes…
Ezra Miller
Surprisingly, he’s only one of two positives I will take from this movie. Hats off to the weirdo because he literally plays two versions of the same character that are so vastly different that you would genuinely think it was two separate actors.
He starts off as the Flash we have come to know from the Justice League movie – annoying, twitchy, and just genuinely cringy to watch. Within 15 minutes of the film, I’d already had enough of him. However, as the story progresses, we see him mature into a mentor for his younger self, giving advice, making plans, and desperately trying to figure out problems to undo all the wrongs his time-traveling exploits have produced. This is a Flash that has clearly learned from his more mature Justice League teammates and has grown into his role as one of Earth’s heroes.
As the other (younger) Barry, he portrays an even more annoying version of the one we saw in Justice League. At times he really is fucking insufferable and hams it up to a level that is simply unenjoyable to watch. This younger Barry is 18 and to be honest, if any of my kids acted like this at 18, I’d give them a damn good hiding and pack them off to join the army.
I will hold my hands up and acknowledge that Barry from Justice League has various issues, due to his Mum being murdered and his Dad being banged up inside for a crime he didn’t commit, all of which make him the awkward douchebag he is. So now imagine that insufferable little shit never going through those traumas and instead being raised by overprotective parents and being a spoiled little prick. Yeah, now you’re getting the picture.
Batmen
As you know we have Batmen. Affleck’s Batman is often said to be the best ever put on screen, but now he is reduced to an awkward cameo, wearing what looks like a suit made from a 3D printing machine. There’s one scene in particular (no spoilers) that is pretty much a straight-up copy from Whedon’s Justice League but just replace Aquaman with Batman and you’re done. I couldn’t help but let out an audible groan.
Now for the return of Keaton, the second positive from this move. Damn, it was great seeing him back on screen as Bats. That suit still looks awesome and Keaton slips back into the role effortlessly. It made me sad that it’s taken over 30 years to see him as Batman again, and even sadder than it was in this piece of shit of a movie.
If only DC knew what they were doing, I would have happily seen him take over the mantel as the mentor for DC’s heroes moving forward, but Batgirl put paid to that little dream.
The CGI
Lots of complaints have mentioned the CGI for this movie but is it as bad as people have been saying? Yes, yes it is. In fact, it’s actually worse than some of the footage that’s been released. I would go as far as to say that it is She-Hulk level bad. In all honesty, it is simply astonishing how CGI is this appalling in 2023.
There is one particular scene that involves slow-mo, babies falling, a dog, and a cacophony of craziness you would expect from a superhero movie. I’ve seen better-cut scenes in a PS4 game, honest to God. Remember the rubbery fight scenes in Black Panther? Yeah, it’s worse than that. Your jaw will drop at how utterly horrendous it looks.
As we all know, Zod returns (again) as well as a few other cameos of heroes past (again no spoilers), and to accomplish this they have used CGI to reconstruct some of these characters or just their faces mapped onto body doubles. Christ almighty, it’s terrible. Not quite Scorpion King bad but considering there has been 21-year advancement in the technology since then – what the fuck?!
The CGI is genuinely laughable and the people that created these Frankensteins should unplug their PC, grab a fork, and stick in the now vacant plug socket whilst standing in a bucket of water. To say they are having it off on their toes and stealing a living from this is an understatement so large, that it makes Lizzo’s arse look like a peach.
Taking You Out of The Moment
This film is littered with inconsistencies and, what is typical for today’s Hollywood, a complete lack of understanding or planning. One part, in particular, is when we have Barry sneaking around a police facility, which is weird considering the geezer can move at the speed of light.
Let’s not forget Flash has super quick healing powers, and all I’m going to say about that is “a tooth”. When you watch it, you’ll see. It’s completely ridiculous and done for cheap laughs, which therein lies the problem, cheap “laughs”.
One fairly edge-of-the-seat part was when they rescue Supergirl (which by the way, is a huge wasted opportunity they had with that character), this entire scene is ruined with vomit jokes, snarky comments, and there’s one particular scene with Batman that was so horrendous and ill-timed that my natural reaction was to let out a louder than expected “oh do fuck off”.
So, for every scene that has an element of danger (not that you’ll ever feel like there’s any danger because the entire thing looks like a Saturday morning cartoon), the moment is totally ruined with some pitiful gag, or quirky joke or Miller pulling a silly face that completely spoils the moment. This “comedy” trend has crept into superhero movies since Taika Waititi unleashed Thor: Ragnarok upon the world. In fact, to sum up, this movie, they should have called it Flash: Love And Thunder.
DC Under James Gunn
As I said at the beginning, I wanted this film to succeed. Even I’m sick and tired of the infighting between DC fans over the Snyderverse. Man Of Steel was 10 years old yesterday and we are still arguing about it. It’s time to let it rest and move on. I really enjoy the Guardians Of The Galaxy movies, I think they are great fun to watch (apart from the Christmas thing they did). and I was kind of optimistic about Gunn’s tenure as head of DC. However, Gunn has gone on record to say about Flash:
“The Flash is fucking amazing. Like it’s one of the best superhero movies I’ve ever seen. Andy Muschietti did an amazing job.”
Oh crap! I was hoping the end of Flash would put a nail in Synder’s take on the DC characters and move on to, what some say, is a more optimistic take on these characters. However, this film is so bad that I’m afraid all it’s going to do is for some fans to continue to cling to the Snyderverse because if Flash is anything to go by, then the future for DC is Marvel Phase 4-level shit.
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