Review: SCREAM 7

Scream 7 sees senior citizen Sydney screaming some more.

This is the sixth time Neve Campbell has gone up against Ghostfaces. She sat out of Scream 6 due to a salary dispute.

Jenna Ortega and Melissa Barrera tried to make up the difference in Campbell’s absence. Between the two of them, they managed a Sullen Factor of +51.

Can Campbell bring a spark back to this latest franchise cash grab? Let’s find out. We will keep this review spoiler-free, but (spoiler) it really doesn’t matter…

Scream 7

I am an unabashed Scream fan — as in the original film, not the franchise in general.

I’ve watched the 1996 film around 20 times, maybe more. It does a nice job handling the whodunit aspect. Casting director, Lisa Beach, was en fuego. Wes Craven managed a slight spring to his step. Kevin Williamson produced a screenplay smart enough to be respectable and stupid enough to be fun. And Jamie Kennedy provided the secret sauce. His Randy Meeks served as the Geek Chorus of the film.

When they killed Kennedy off in the sequel, I never went back to it. I get it, though. Randy Meeks as a returning character would not work. His star was meant to shine brightly and burn out. Likewise, all the other sequels were one-and-done with me, as well.

Skeet Ulrich and Hayden Panettiere returned for Scream 6. A Skeet return was mildly fun. Meanwhile, Courtney Cox and David Arquette returned multiple times.

Yet one OG character never came back despite being grist for the rumor mill multiple times: Matthew Lillard as Stu Macher. He was set to be the villain of Scream III and even got paid for the role despite not appearing. Columbine caused this.

Lillard is the guy I always wanted to see again. My interest in this was purely academic, you should understand. I was under no illusion a Stu return would satisfy.

And it is no spoiler to say I finally got my wish. Lillard does appear in Scream 7.

Scream 7 And Scream 7 Again

This time the story revolves around Sydney’s daughter, played by Isabel May. She is targeted by Ghostface. Can Sydney girl boss it up enough to save her?

Franchise creator Kevin Williamson sits in the director chair. The story is by James Vanderbilt and Guy Busick. Vanderbilt also worked on Scream 2022 and Scream 6. He has Zodiac to his credit…and Independence Day: Resurgence.

Make of that what you will…

Courney Cox is back again. Poor Courtney Cox. She is one more visit to the plastic surgeon away from sitting on Wayland Flowers’ knee.

Joel McHale appears. It is always nice to see McHale. He built up a lifetime of goodwill from Community. Likewise, Ethan Embry pops in and makes one yearn for FreakyLinks.

The rest of the cast is mostly meaningless. This is no slight on them, however. They are just kids who got to be in a movie, and a Scream 7 credit could eventually lead to roles on CSI: [Insert City] and Untitled Pilot Episode.

Unfortunately, Jasmin Savoy Brown and Mason Gooding return as the insufferable Meeks twins. They are the worst Scream characters ever. At least Jasmin looks like a woman this time around. But still, if I had one of those big circus cannons that can shoot people out of my life, you know what I would do with it?

That’s right. I would convert it into a real cannon and simply shoot the Meeks twins instead…

We All Scream For Scream

A strange thing happened in the first 75 minutes or so of Scream 7. It created twinges of entertainment. I did not expect that to happen. At various stages I even butted up against having some sort of, dare I say, fun? Oh sure, the movie had a bit too much angst in the main characters, and everything that happened was uninspired, yet…it engaged me slightly.

What are the reasons for this? The opening is nothing special, but Williamson manages a couple shots of Ghostface that genuinely go hard. Pace is likely the next thing that worked. Scream 7 moves briskly, bouncing from attack to attack. It doesn’t take time to admire its own cleverness because it knows it’s not clever.

Scream 7 is almost a dumb action film, almost…

And then the wheels fall off completely. One problem with being seven films deep into the Scream franchise is that no one is a passive viewer at this point. We are all trying to guess the killer or killers from opening shot to climax.

How did I do in my guess? Nailed it, 100-percent. This is not due to any great powers of observation. Scream is simply out of tricks.

The next problem is that the climax is so lame that it makes Tiny Tim look like Usain Bolt. Whatever patience Scream 7 generated within me was long gone by that point. There may have been 15 minutes left to the movie, but my mind was already out the door, in the car, down the road and eating a Hershey bar with waffle cone pieces while singing this song…

As for the return of Stu…Scream 7 handled it in a way that transcended mere disappointment. Never in my wildest dreams did I think Stu’s return could be that pathetic, and I tend toward pessimism.

I went from having a degree of fun with Scream 7 to outright disdain.