The shark thing is wearing a little thin now. Jaws was the first big shark movie, and since then, they have just gotten worse and worse. This brings us to the latest shark movie, Chum.
This review will be quick, as the movie is not just terrible, it’s so bad I felt like I wanted to jump into the sea, find a shark, and make fun of its mother, just so it would eat me.
Chum stars Alice Eve and a bunch of other people. Honestly, it’s a waste of my time listing them, just like this movie was a waste of my time. I’m going to make this review fun, unlike the movie.
The Story
The story of Chum is basically Dangerous Animals, the one with Jai Courtney (if you needed a red flag). Dangerous Animals is about a serial killer who feeds people to sharks; the only difference in Chum is about revenge.
A newlywed couple joins friends on a Mediterranean yacht excursion, only to find themselves caught between a predatory shark and a psychopathic killer in their midst-transforming a sun-drenched escape into a fight for survival.
We open with a couple getting attacked by a shark, and the woman dies. We’ll come back to the guy later.
A few years later, we are at a wedding where a father is giving a speech. He’s so good at giving his speech that he doesn’t need his microphone plugged in.
The couple, Eve and some guy, are starting off on a bad foot and seem to hate each other. I thought marriage only became like that after years of her not putting up the toilet seat?
Anyways, Eve and her husband are invited to go on a boat trip to celebrate their wedding. There’s about a 5-minute argument about them not wanting to go; in fact, Eve says she cannot swim, but that doesn’t matter and is never mentioned again.
They end up on the boat, which is skippered by the world’s most incompetent captain since Uncle Albert (a little British humour there).
On the trip, the captain tried to pull in the anchor and ended up in the water; moron doesn’t cover it.
A shark attacks, and he loses a foot. This is supposed to be gruesome and horrific, but it’s hilarious. Somehow, they set the boat on fire, because the movie has to happen, so they all end up in the water.
The shark now only attacks when it feels like it, because the movie has to happen. They all escape and end up on a trawler boat. The skipper there is the guy from the beginning of the movie.
Jaws 4: The Revenge
We learn that the new skipper has been hunting the shark for 5 years, because it killed his wife. Somehow, he managed to get a tracker on the shark, just after it killed his wife.
How? Don’t know.
Also, 5 years! Has he been tracking the shark for 5 years? Even with a tracker, he can only follow it around. Where does he get his money from? Don’t know. Well, actually, he’s found out that the shark only likes people; chum is people! I guess he takes their stuff and sells it. This isn’t explained, so there, I’m cleverer than the movie.
So basically, he’s been riding around the seven seas, feeding a shark he’s sworn revenge on. Maybe he’s trying to kill it out of kindness? Maybe if he overfeeds it, it will become sluggish, and he can kill it that way?
My favourite thing about the new skipper is that he treats his new guests to a Devonshire Cream Tea. This was the oddest thing I’ve ever seen in a movie. I grew up in Devon, and a Cream Tea is very local. I mean, he calls it scones and tea, but it was a cream tea.
Side note: He didn’t serve the scones correctly; they were closed. A real cream tea has the scone open, with cream, and then jam. If you put the jam on first, you’re a monster on the same level as Hitler!
The Cast
I’m taking it that Eve only agreed to Chum as it was shot in the Med. If I were to guess, I would have said she had agreed to only work 2 hours a day, with the rest of her time sunbathing or playing volleyball.
Chum is a pay-cheque of a movie.
I have no idea who the other people were, and I can’t be bothered to look them up. The only person I took notice of was Elle Haymond, as she was cute. That, though, is the limit of her talent.
She’s got a resting bitch face, her character is as miserable as a member of the audience at an Amy Schumer comedy gig, and her acting is The Room level. The only good thing about her was her cleavage.
There you go, that’s saved you watching the movie, just enjoy the picture.
Shark-Not-do
As I said, shark movies are getting worse and worse. I recently watched Sharknado, and you know what, I had fun with it. It knew exactly what it was: a bloody stupid idea from the start.
I imagine that it was an idea akin to Alan Partridge’s idea for the BBC.
Whoever pitched Sharknado and whoever greenlit it knew they were making slop, but just went with it. Sharks, in a tornado, sure, why not? The movie had its tongue firmly in its cheek, and was laughing at itself, along with the audience. Drugs are bad, m’kay.
Chum, however, doesn’t recognise that that’s garbage. Everyone is trying to ‘act’ like there was an Oscar on the line, but the story of this movie is just terrible.
As I said, it was a rip-off of Dangerous Animals, which was already bloody terrible.
The Effects
As we all know, Bruce the shark in Jaws never seemed to work. However, this made the movie better, as Spielberg had to use it less. This worked, and the viewer’s imagination was far worse than a mechanical shark not working.
In Chum, they didn’t only go with bad CG, but it also looked like they put it into AI, gave it a prompt, and then said ‘it’ll do’.
“Make a shark bite off a man’s leg!”
“I don’t know, that looks pretty crappy, should we render it again?”
“No, if we render another clip today, we’ll have to pay for the premium AI…it’ll do!”
They also used very little blood. Instead of throwing blood or coloured cornstarch into the water, it was just easier to ‘tint’ the water red. Maybe cornstarch poisons the water? I would have drunk it if that were the case, just to make the movie stop.
Overall
I’ve seen some crap in my time, but Chum is way up there on the ‘crappy-o-meter’ of bad movies. There’s just nothing redeeming about it, well, maybe Eve’s cleavage. If that’s all you’re after, you’d be better off watching Star Trek Into Darkness again, where she’s in her underwear.
The script is, again, non-premium AI level. Somehow, one of the guys managed to get on a cop boat, and he calls in. The other end of the radio tells him it’s illegal to use the police boat.
So, in the middle of the ocean, being chased by a shark, and you get on a police boat. Better not use it though, as it’s against the law! Knowing what the British police are like right now, you would get 5 years at His Majesty’s pleasure if this was over here.
The entirety of the movie takes place about 2 miles out to sea. How do I know that? You can see the shoreline for most of the shots! It’s not like they are out in the middle of nowhere, literally, a serious swim, and they would have been back on shore.
Oh yeah, for Eve saying she can’t swim, she does pretty well in the water. Including managing to jump on the shark at the end and stabbing it in the head. Just like in real life.
Chum is one of the worst movies I’ve seen since the last one, which wasn’t that long ago.
