You know how Hollywood really works. That is why you are an Outposter, a superior online movie being. You understand that Hollywood is largely staffed by broadly clueless executives who wouldn’t last six months in any other industry. We all read the Sony e-mails. They wander aimlessly about, without a single original thought in their heads and ignoring ideas from real talent and source material full of potential. Then, one day, quite accidentally, one of them stumbles across something that actually works. Like they did with the MCU, or Barbie.
That is it, the touchpaper is lit and the industry will then mobilize to flog that horse until it is dead. That is how you end up drowning in capeshit, with the charred corpses of numerous shared cinematic universes dead on the ground all over town.
Barbie has scored the biggest box-office opening of the year, so now it is all systems go to adapt other toys. Toy manufacturer Mattel will now, aided and abetted by Hollywood, proceed to shit its own bed spectacularly. There are fourteen movie adaptions of their toys in the pipeline. In an interview with Variety, Mattel executives, including CEO Ynon Kreiz and Oscar-nominated producer Robbie Brenner who runs the Mattel Films division, gave an update on various projects.
Barney is being compared to Spike Jonze’s Being John Malkovich. The Daniel Kaluuya-produced movie about the iconic purple dinosaur is said to be being “surrealistic” with adult themes. Emily In Paris star Lily Collins will play the micro-doll Polly Pocket in a family comedy written and directed by Lena Dunham.
J.J. Abrams is producing a “grounded and gritty” adaptation of Hot Wheels with, they say, “real characters that you can relate to, that are three-dimensional, that have emotional journeys.”
Also on the to-do list is Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots starring Vin Diesel, an American Girl comedy Major Matt Mason starring Tom Hanks, Quantum Of Solace director Marc Forster helming Thomas & Friends, plus Magic 8 Ball, UNO, Wishbone, Matchbox (always superior to Hot Wheels!), and View Master. This is before we get onto Masters of the Universe which is still very much-planned, despite being in trouble at Netflix.
At least three-fifths of these will never see the light of day once the first few crater so hard and deep they end up speaking Chinese. Book it.
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