The Runner features Gal Gadot running through London in tight Lycra for an entire movie.
That’s it. That’s the sales pitch, and literally the only reason you might consider watching it. Well that, and the fact that The Runner is only 1 hour, 25 minutes long. Like the aforementioned Lycra, this movie is tight!
Why does Gal Gadot have to run through London for an entire movie? Because the movie is called The Runner, damnit. Not The Driver or The Commuter. She runs! As an added bonus, she gets sweatier and more flushed as time goes on, just like in those dreams I had.
No exaggeration – this is the runningest movie of all time. Forget Forrest Gump. Forget The Running Man. Tom Cruise is crying into his wing walking goggles as we speak. All hail Gadot, the queen of running.
Runner Runner
The Runner’s lean, efficient opening provides false hope and the information we need before the running begins. Shots of people in London glued to their phones. Apparently, our society is obsessed with them. And? Is there a point you’re trying to make?
Many phones feature in The Runner, and the movie is bookended by thematically consistent Blondie songs (Call Me and Hanging on the Telephone).
We meet Gal Gadot’s Maia, already dressed in her running gear, as she preps her son Noah for school. He’s got diabetes, which in movie language means he’s got a hypoglycaemic coma to look forward to.
Maya drops off Noah at school. Why can’t I meet mums like that at the school gate instead of lazy cows wearing pyjamas under their parkas?
Anyway, Maia is a hotshot prosecution lawyer whose star witness is testifying against a crime boss murder suspect. She gets off the phone to her boss, signing off with “got to run”, and then…the running begins.
Blade Runner
It’s just a regular run at first, before turning into a battle run! Maia races another guy she doesn’t know for no reason, dodging around trees like Return of the Jedi. I quite liked that part.
Then it gets serious. Maia receives a phone call via her hands-free headset (which allows her to keep running). A sinister caller (Damien Lewis, literally phoning it in) informs her that he has kidnapped Noah somehow and forced him into a drug-induced hypoglycaemic coma. He’s got an hour left to live. All she has to do is kill her witness to stop him testifying.
But here’s the catch – she can’t get public transport. Why? So the movie can happen. It’s called The Runner. The witness is in a hotel five miles away. Better run.
The Caller has hacked Maia’s phone so she can’t call anyone. He knows where she is, how fast she’s going and has access to her nudes. I hope he has hands-free as well.
Phones are bad? Is that the point the movie is making? Then why does Maia spend so much time stealing other people’s phones so she can get out of this mess?
My favourite scene (minor spoiler) is when Maia steals a girl’s phone by a canal. Her black boyfriend chases her, so she pretends he’s attacking her and other men stop him. Not cool, but still funny.
The Kite Runner
The Runner features an awful lot of running, and it gets somewhat repetitive. Maia bumps into people, they swear at her, she dodges traffic, badly. Rinse, repeat. Everyone is on their phone, but somehow Maia is the only one getting run over.
On the plus side, if you know London, you’ll have fun spotting the landmarks. It must have been a logistical nightmare to film, so well done for that.
Gadot pulls off an excellent running action. Let’s face it – the whole movie hinges on her not running like a girl. And despite Gadot’s reputation of having limited acting ability, she does a decent job of emoting and I love it when her hair sticks to her face and her cheeks go red….sorry, getting off subject.
The Maze Runner
Eventually, even Maia gets tired of running and hops on the Tube.
Once off the Tube, the movie seems embarrassed at betraying its title and goes into absolute self-flagellation mode. We’re talking running overdrive, set to shaky cam and annoying techno music that I identified through Shazam. Yes, the song is called Running. Click if you dare.
The Caller accuses Maia of cheating and decides to kill the witness with a bomb instead. Why not fucking do that anyway and save us all some time? It’s way less hassle. At this point I was out of breath myself and I was sitting on a couch.
Maia persuades The Caller that she can still get the job done, and you know what that means. More running.
I won’t spoil any more of The Runner, but let’s just say the third act briefly threatens you with a good time before descending into a load of implausible nonsense that features more police than a Grand Theft Auto game.
One star for Gadot, and another for her heavy breathing.
The Runner is available now on Amazon Prime.
