Rumors are surfing across the galaxy that beloved Silver Surfer will appear in the long-digesting Fantastic Four movie, and “he” will be a chick and lame! Oh boy, here we go again.
We recently reported that Pedro Pascal is in talks to continue as Disney’s go-to man by starring as Reed Richards. Vanessa Kirby is a top choice for Sue Storm, with Joseph Quinn as Johnny Storm, and Ebon Moss-Bachrach as Ben Grimm. OK, not a bad selection even if I am sick to the teeth of seeing Pascal in everything.
Javier Bardem is heavily rumored to play Galactus but because Marvel just cannot help but shoot themselves in the foot, they apparently want to make the Silver Surfer a girl, and the more I look into this rumor, I’m finding talk on the interwebs that a female Galactus isn’t out of the question either.
His/Her/Surf/Surfette
This juicy bit of gossip comes hot on the heels of The Marvels recently becoming the latest in a long list of MCU failures. This is due to Disney Marvel’s constant need to replace good stories with representation, diversity, and wokeness “violent, racist, sexist, and homophobic” bigots. But I digress, let’s get back to the Silver Surefette.
This rumor started out all the way back at the beginning of November during Jeff Sneider and John Rocha’s The Hot Mic podcast. Sneider’s claimed that one of his sources said:
“You know Galactus is going to be part of Fantastic Four. The idea is that one of his four heralds is going to be female – I have heard that the Silver Surfer is going to be female.”
Now, before we all get our knickers in a twist, it was actually rumored way back in 2019 that the character Nova was going to be used as the Herald of Galactus, and not Silver Surfer. But…
Who In Tarnation Is Nova?
Nova first appeared in Fantastic Four in 1975 and was created by writer Roy Thomas and artist George Pérez. Originally, she was a woman called Frankie Raye who worked for the United Nations as an interpreter and actually dated Johnny Storm for a while. However, her fear of fire was problematic and the relationship didn’t last too long.
Raye’s fear of fire was eventually explained to be the result of a mental block induced by her stepfather, Phineas Horton, after she was accidentally doused with the chemicals that caused the android, the original Human Torch (Horton’s creation) to burst into flame. For some reason, Horton didn’t want his girl to literally be a hot piece of arse, so he somehow managed to block her memories and prevent her from flaming up.
Eventually, Raye regained her full memory discovered her previously repressed superhuman powers, and decided to call herself Nova. However, The Fantastic Four soon realized that she was a bit of a bitch as she showed an alarming willingness to kill her opponents. After the Silver Surfer left Galactus and went to Earth, Nova volunteered to become the new herald of Galactus because basically, she couldn’t give two shits about leading him to sentient populated planets for him to gobble up. They did warn us she was a bitch.
WTF Is Happening At Marvel?
Sneider revisited this rumor on his podcast the other day and boldly claims:
“Yes, you can expect to see a female Silver Surfer, as I noted on last week’s Hot Mic podcast”.
OK, this is doing my head in. I can see why they want to introduce Nova to the Fantastic Four movie. She has a fleshed-out backstory and has been part of the Marvel canon for 48 years. I’m sure none of us would have a problem if Marvel stayed faithful to the source material. But the more I think about this rumor, the more confused I’m getting.
Is Marvel using Nova’s story, are they really going to gender-swap the Silver Surfer, or are they mixing Nova’s story with that of Norrin Radd’s? The more I look into this, the more it sounds like another potential Marvel mess. Why do they make it so difficult for themselves?!
The Fantastic Silver Star Wars
Right then, this is my take on how it’s going to pan out. The Fantastic Four movie will get straight to it and pick up when they are already established superheroes with flashbacks of how they got their powers littered throughout the film. And as this is the now-established M-She-U I’d wager that Frankie Raye and Sue Storm are the focal points of this movie.
Sue Storm will be the wise and all-encompassing heroine. We’ll then see Raye with Johnny. Sue and Raye will quickly build a sisterly bond because let’s be honest, Sue is up against three man-children and needs a friend to roll her eyes with at the men’s childish antics and machoism.
We’ll then witness Raye get her powers and become Nova, and this is where we get an Obi-Wan and Anakin Skywalker-type story. Sue goes all Obi-Wan-Kenobiey and takes Nova under her wing. Everything will be Barbie-tastic with Sue teaching Nova the ways of the Force Four. Eventually, Nova starts developing feelings for Sue when she realizes that Johnny is a dick, Reed isn’t worthy of Sue’s love and she now wants to be a lesbian.
Then, out of nowhere, the Silver Surfer arrives but because this is no longer about making good films and staying true to the comics, Surfer will now be a woman because Marvel will want that ménage à trois between Sue, Nova, and the new Silver Surfette.
Silver Surfette lands on Earth and starts causing all sorts of havoc. The men of the Fantastic Four attack Silver Surfette without hesitation because men are violent and stupid, even though Sue has ordered them to stand down and talk to this silvery Goddess, With an epic side glance at one another and an eye roll to end all eye rolls, Sue and Nova are forced to join the battle as Surfette is kicking some serious man-butt and they need some wimmin-power!
After some truly awful fight choreography and some rap music, the Silver Surfette realizes that Sue and Nova are actually pretty cool dudes and she wants part of this setup so she decides to betray Galactus. After numerous cut scenes and maybe some song and dance routines, we see that Nova is starting to get the old green-eyed monster over Sue and Surfette’s relationship.
Eventually, because women can’t play nice together, Nova seeks out Galactus and tells him/her of Surfette’s betrayal and the plans to stop him/her. Galactus draws on his/her inner Palpatine and convinces Nova that Sue’s life is in danger and only he/she has the power to save her. To do so, Nova must kill Silver Surfette and the rest of the men of the Fantastic Four.
Nova heads back to convince Sue that together they can defeat Galactus and rule the universe as She and Her. Sue and Nova have an argument and Sue tells Nova she’s starting the think in absolutes. They shout back and forth and Sue tells Nova that she “stands on the side of democracy”. In a flash of anger, Nova force-chokes Reed, Johnny, and Ben (who have been waiting in the kitchen for Sue to make them a sandwich), which renders them unconscious just as Galactus arrives, to set up the final act.
The final battle will be Sue and the Silver Surfette vs Nova and Galactus. If they make Galactus a woman as well, that’ll be four wimmin fighting on screen and showing us boys how it’s done! I’m fighting back tears as I write this. It’s awe-inspiring and I have to stop as I’m overwhelmed by the potential majesty of this movie.
The 30-year-old Marvel simps will lap it up and claim it’s the greatest Marvel movie since, well, The Marvels. The film will flop so hard it will make The Marvels look like an Infinity War level of achievement. And in two weeks after its release, all of us Outposters will be labeled as “violent, racist, sexist and homophobic“… again.
The End.
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