The Dark Side of the Moon (1990) is a straight-to-VHS title that tried to be Event Horizon before Event Horizon. The keyword here is tried…
It stars Will Bledsoe (Alien Nation: TV Series), who is like Jan Michael Vincent minus the alcoholism. Joe Turkel (Blade Runner) appears, joined by John Diehl (lots of stuff), Robert Sampson (Re-Animator) and Alan Blumenfeld (The Ring).
On the lady front, Camilla Moore (Once Bitten) and Wendy MacDonald (Sinners — no, not that Sinners, the one from 1990) show up in the movie, as well.
J. Webster directed The Dark Side of the Moon. His main claim to fame is the video for Voices Carry by ‘Til Tuesday. You may just want to watch that and stop there…
The Dark Side Of The Moon
The movie starts with an opening crawl. You know, like Star Wars.
The year, 2022. The maintenance ship SPACECORE 1 is on a routine “refab” mission. The refabs are fixers. Their purpose is to repair nuclear-armed satellites orbiting high above the earth. Due to the atomic capabilities of these satellites, refabbing is considered dangerous…
Very dangerous.
Three things stand out: a double-space after the fourth sentence, only going 32 years into the future and the addition of “very dangerous” at the end.
This immediately tells the viewer The Dark Side of the Moon is going to be an earnest attempt at poorly-thought-out, mistake-ridden badassery.
Bring it on, I guess. I can consider it self-flagellation, which is what I deserve for being complicit in making Boba Phil watch movies like Snow White, Final Destination: Bloodlines and Wrenage: Dance of Seduction.
This Is Not A Pink Floyd Documentary
The Dark Side of the Moon wows us with an opening shot that could be straight out of Moontrap. A crescent-shaped Earth is blocked out by a crescent-shaped moon. A spaceship rockets in from the top of the frame. Eat your heart out, John Dykstra.
After experiencing these dizzying heights of cinema, The Dark Side of the Moon grounds us in the reality of the spaceship’s utilitarian control room. And by “grounds us,” I mean “crashes us into a tanker truck grill like Lord Humongous.” And by “utilitarian control room,” I mean “some office chairs placed inside a broadcast tower’s electronics shack.”
This is not an exaggeration. I’m almost certain the “state-of-the-art future equipment” that lines the walls of the control room are TV channel transmitters.
Bledsoe and Sampson pilot the ship. Bledsoe is a manly hero with a tasteful, yet sleek, mullet. Sampson is the no-nonsense veteran captain. The Dark Side of the Moon goes for the truckers-in-space motif with its costumes. It also reserves the option to switch to a Ghostbusters-in-space motif, if needed.
A catastrophic equipment failure knocks out power and life support. How catastrophic? Upwards of several sparks fly, and a hazard light blinks. Whew! I need to pause the movie a moment and let my heart rate come back down to standard diabetes-2 levels.
The Dark Side Of The Moontrap
Bledsoe and Sampson consult Turkel and Camilla about the malfunctions. Camilla is an android that serves as the spaceship’s computer, ala Alien’s “Mother.”
What’s that? You were wondering if Camilla the Android has big boobs?
What kind of sub-moronic question is that? Of course she does!
This scene also gives the director a chance to whip out his split-diopter lens to focus on a background Turkel and a foreground Camilla at the same time. Take that, De Palma!
Turkel wears glasses similar to what he wore in Blade Runner. Does he always wear glasses like that? Are they prescription? Or are the makers of The Dark Side of the Moon throwing in a Blade Runner reference, which is a brilliant move if their intent is to remind us that we could be watching a much better movie…
Eventually, it is established that the crew has twenty-four hours to live before they run out of air, heat and self-respect. Dutifully concerned, they set about trying to make repairs. This mostly consists of flipping Radio Shack switches and saying things like…
“Try the power feed on the syndicator.”
Okay, now I’m certain all of this takes place in a TV tower’s electronics shack. A syndicator is what broadcasts reruns of Gilligan’s Island, right?
The Dark Half Side Of The Moon
Suffice it to say, none of the repairs are successful. The grew gathers in the mess hall to drown their sorrows in a nice cup of tea. But wait! What draws near? To the Love Boat portholes for a looksie! Why…it’s a space shuttle!
The crew recognizes the space shuttle as The Discovery. It looks a bit worse for the wear, like a hundred chimpanzees flung their poop at it — so basically like a Wal-Mart bathroom.
The Discovery docks with Spacecore 1. Bledsoe and Sampson suit up to visit it. Diehl gives them a pair of Steyr AUGs because they look sufficiently futuristic. Never mind The Dark Side of the Moon came out in 1990, and Steyr AUGs were put into service in 1977. Diehl also reports the guns come with “heat sensor-sized tracers…”
What does that even mean?
Bledsoe and Sampson hope to powwow with the crew of The Discovery and obtain parts needed to get Spacecore 1 back on the beam. The operation is not without complications, however. Bledsoe reports they need to “open an A-390.”
Call me nitpicky, but I’m beginning to suspect the writers of The Dark Side of the Moon are simply making up jargon as they go along. Said writers are Carey and Chad Hayes. Fun fact: they were twins in the old Doublemint commercials.
The Hayes brothers went on to have decent careers in a B-movie kind of way. They were even attached to the Die Hard-spinoff movie, McClane, before it, thankfully, got cancelled.
Tales From The Dark Side Of The Moon
Bledsoe and Sampson make it inside The Discovery. It’s a damp and drippy environment. Either it has holes in the roof, or it hosted a Diddy party. Sensors indicate the air is normal, but it has a high level of sulfur and a temperature of 106.
They find a fish skeleton on the floor. It looks like the prop wrangler ordered cod at a restaurant the night before and smuggled the remains out in his wife’s purse to use in the movie.
All of that is pretty weird. They also discover that The Discovery’s fuel tanks are empty, and no crew is in evidence. Bledsoe and Sampson then have The Discovery and Spacecore 1 engage in umbilical sex to recharge Spacecore 1’s systems.
“It’s in,” MacDonald says. Of course, they have the one female crew member say that. This gives The Dark Side of the Moon a highly-intelligent psychosexual subtext. Suck it, Freud!
Finally, Bledsoe and Sampson come upon a crew member. A dead man with a fine moustache falls from a thirty-foot ceiling and lands at their feet. His nametag reads: Michael Gotier.
It should be noted that Bledsoe and Sampson have been walking around Discovery sets that appear the size of a department store. Meanwhile, the actual cargo space of a space shuttle is 60 x 15 feet. Obviously, The Discovery must have a Japanese interior decorator. They excel at making small spaces look more voluminous.
The Dark Side Of The Moonfall
They take Michael Gotier onboard and do an autopsy. Once they open his uniform, they discover he has no chest. Instead, he has a gaping triangle-shaped wound. They wonder if a knife or laser could make a wound like that. They decide that could not be the case, and I trust their judgment. After all, they know “A-390s” inside and out.
“Suicide?” Turkel asks with complete seriousness.
Give that man the entire budget of this movie for his salary. He actually made me believe his character was earnestly considering the possibility that a man committed suicide by cutting his own sternum off.
The power comes back on, and Bledsoe consults Camilla the Android’s boobs. He wants answers about The Discovery. She says The Discovery shouldn’t even be out there. Its crew should not be out there either. None of them are listed in the current astronaut database.
Bledsoe and his mullet are perplexed. Camilla goes on to explain The Discovery actually crashed landed on Earth a long time ago in the…wait for it…Bermuda Triangle!
Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn!
All hands were lost in the crash, but Michael Gotier’s body was never recovered.
For nonsense reasons, Bledsoe asks Camilla to match the area The Discovery appeared from on the dark side of the moon in relation to the Bermuda Triangle on Earth. Camilla shows that if one draws a line between the two, they are in total alignment.
In response, Bledsoe takes our Savior’s name in vain with utmost earnestness, like he somehow understands what any of that means.
The Dark Tower Side Of The Moon
Meanwhile, Michael Gotier resurrects as a zombie with demon eyes and greets MacDonald with a face that pops out of his triangular chest wound.
“Yell as loud as you want,” he says. “No one will hear you.”
Wait, is he saying that, in space…no one can hear you scream?
“Who are you?” MacDonald whimpers. “What do you want?
“I have many names, and I’ve come to take what is mine.”
Satan Zombie Michael Gotier forces MacDonald on her knees so she can make out with the face in his chest.
“Here’s wisdom,” Satan Zombie Michael Gotier continues. “Let him who has understanding count the number of my name…”
Obviously, this is a reference to Revelation 13:18. If the Hayes brothers’ expertise of Biblical exegesis matches their understanding of the technical aspects of space travel, we are in a lot of trouble. That’s how suicide cults get started.
Bledsoe sees all of this transpire on a surveillance monitor. Yet, when he and the rest of the crew reach the infirmary, they find Michael Gotier dead and MacDonald unconscious. No one believes Bledsoe when he tries to tell them what happened.
The Dark Far Side Of The Moon
The second act makes or breaks a movie. It’s not hard to come up with a beginning and the subsequent setup. It’s not hard to think of an ending. But the middle, that is where the challenge lies. The middle must flow in a logical progression with good pace and, ideally, refresh the plot with interesting twists, turns or reveals.
They say brains can’t feel pain. That is a lie. Because The Dark Side of the Moon is starting to make my brain hurt. It whimpers inside my skull and asks:
“What did I ever to do you? Didn’t I get you through school with a solid 2.0 GPA, and this is how you repay me? You might as well sniff glue. That would be less harmful to me.”
Anyway, MacDonald is now possessed. A crew member enters her room, but he is in shadow, so we can’t figure out his identity. You know, like in The Thing? It quickly becomes apparent that The Dark Side of the Moon is fully cribbing from the classics.
MacDonald seduces the faceless crewman by taking off her shirt. It looks like they went with a body double for this, and they chose poorly. You know how in There’s Something About Mary, when Matt Dillion spies on Cameron Diaz with binoculars, and he accidentally sees Lin Shaye with a horrifying chest appliance?
That is basically what we get here. Not only does my brain hurt, it is now nauseous.
The Dark Side Of The Moonspinners
Sampson dies. This happened a few minutes ago, and I already forgot how. If you think I’m going to rewind to find out what happened and draw this torture out, you’re a sadist. We are moving on. The remaining crew members: Bledsoe, Blumenfeld, Turkel and Diehl turn on each other as they realize one of them is possessed.
Bledsoe returns to Camilla and continues to puzzle out what is happening, which is a challenge because the screenplay isn’t sure either. In response, Camilla shows the latitude and longitude of the three points of the Bermuda Triangle.
Bledsoe leans forward, intensely, and says, “Remove all numbers but six…”
That leaves a “6” at each point of the triangle for the number of the beast: “666.”
I’ve seen many stupid things in my life, especially since I have to look in a mirror every day, but that is one of the dumbest things I have ever witnessed. I could just as well upload a math test to Grok and say, “Remove all numbers but six. Egad! This math test is Satan!”
The only option left is to blow up The Discovery with a nuclear missile from a nearby satellite. We get a 30-minute countdown. But wait! Bledsoe must return to The Discovery to retrieve a thing. What thing? I don’t know. Unobtanium, maybe.
While in The Discovery, Bledsoe shoots a section of HVAC duct that rises out of water. Meanwhile, Turkel, Blumenfeld and Diehl argue about how much time Bledsoe has left. Diehl says, two minutes, but Turkel says, five minutes, and then Blumenfeld says let’s give him five minutes more. Diehl gets frustrated and pushes the blow-up button.
I totally understand that reaction.
Bledsoe gets caught in a decompression. This enables The Dark Side of the Moon to crib from Aliens where Ripley needs to climb back into the ship after the Alien Queen gets sucked out.
Shortly after that, we get a Predator reference when the faceless possessed crew member confronts Camilla, and she says, “Get away from me, you MF’er.”
The Dark Side Of The Moonraker
It turns out Turkel is possessed. Diehl shoots him. Diehl is going to shoot Bledsoe, too, but Blumenfeld shoots Diehl like Powell shoots Karl at the end of Die Hard.
Bledsoe and Blumenfeld are the last ones left. They go have a cup of tea. Blumenfeld takes cream in his. Earlier, it was established that Blumenfeld is allergic to cream. Ergo, Bledsoe knows Blumenfeld is now Satan.
Satan Blumenfeld explains his grand plan. He captures souls via the Bermuda Triangle, and once he captures 666 vessels, he will become strong enough to overthrow God.
Bledsoe understands that such stupidity must not be allowed to live, so he blows up himself, Satan Blumenfeld and Spacecore 1 with another satellite missile.
The Dark Side of the Moon ends with a panning shot of the dark side of the moon. It is littered with airplanes, old ships, modern ships and helicopters. Or, I should say, it is littered with Revel models of airplanes, old ships, modern ships and helicopters that are probably covered in baby powder. Striking image but terrible miniature work.
The Dark Side Of The Moonwalk Out Of Here
The Dark Side of the Moon has a couple of good points. D.J. Webster does manage to infuse the proceedings with some style. He seems to know what he wants from the actors and gets decent performances out of them.
But the story, man. Yeesh. M…O…O…N…that spells retarded…
