This was going to happen eventually. A review of Snow White, following up our other review of the movie that dropped on a certain date in the calendar. This is going to be odd, as the movie is an abomination. Yet, at the same time, I kind of enjoyed it. I enjoyed it for all the wrong reasons.
There’s no point giving that many details about Snow White. If you don’t know who’s in this movie, and anything else about it, then it must be your first time on the internet.
The Story
The story of Snow, in this new version, is not the same as the original:
A princess joins forces with seven dwarfs and a group of rebels to liberate her kingdom from her cruel stepmother the Evil Queen.
We learn that Snow White is called that because she was born in the back of a carriage on a winter’s night. I take it if her dad was drinking whisky and the weather was just bad, they would have called her Stormy Daniels.
In fact, since I have a moment, if Snow White were born in the UK, she might have been called Slushy Ice, or Drizzly Wet, or Cloudy with a Chance of Thunderous Downpours. You get the idea.
Snow grows up in the perfect kingdom, with the perfect parents, and bakes apple pies for the people of the town. It was so sickened I nearly snuggled up to the wife.
Even though everything is perfect, the mum dies and the dad remarries a beautiful lady who turns out to be evil. She sends the father off to battle a neighbouring kingdom, and he never returns.
Snow just kind of grows up by herself. The good news is that she’s brave, fearless, and stands up for the people against the now Evil Queen. Snow is also very pretty, somehow prettier than one of the most beautiful women in the world.
Oh No, Bandits!
One evening, a bandit breaks into the castle to steal potatoes. Snow helps him, but he’s caught and brought right to the Queen. She’s having dinner, but happy to deal with trifling matters like a potato thief.
He was going to be thrown into the dungeon, but Snow stepped in and spoke up. Instead, he ends up half-naked and tied to the gate. Way to help out there, Snow. It’s OK, though, she unties the worst knot ever tied, and he runs off.
The Queen keeps asking her magic mirror, “Who is the fairest of them all?”. The mirror could only be in a worse situation if it were hanging in the bathroom of Amy Schumer.
The mirror tells her that Snow is the fairest, and so Snow has to go. The Queen tells a Huntsman to take her out into the woods, kill her, and bring back her heart. I had to laugh at this as the Huntsman is a black guy. If you’re going to do DEI hires, don’t make the black man the guy who’s happy to go kill a white girl deep in the woods.
Obviously, Snow is so amazing, he can’t kill her and she runs off into Fangorn Forest. She ends up being befriended by the local wildlife and finds herself at a house. Obviously, she’s never seen a horror movie and just goes right in and heads to bed.
The Huntsman returns to the Queen with an apple in the box instead of Snow’s heart. Does the Huntsman run away and leave the kingdom? No, he gets arrested.
The Seven Magical Persons Who Are Vertically Challenged
We get the Hi Ho song as they introduce themselves and learn they work in a mine, gathering billions in diamonds and rubies, and they are all magical. Why? Don’t know. It’s OK, though, their magic never gets mentioned again.
The CG for the dwarves is just awful, I’m going to have to use the word abomination again. Disney could have hired actors, but no, we can’t offend Peter Dinklage, so they went with this:
To add insult to injury, Grumpy is played by Martin Klebba, who is a real dwarf. I’m honestly lost for words.
The good news is that when she meets the bandits, with the hot guy she let go early, they have another dwarf with them. He has a fairly big part in the movie, as in he has lines. So, the dwarves they do hire they replace with CG or give them a token talking role. The same guy saves Snow at the end of the movie. I can’t decide if Disney likes dwarves or not?
Grumpy
No, I’m not talking about me, but the character Grumpy. I saw a video about this movie, and someone mentioned that in the original Grumpy was very pivotal. Grumpy didn’t like Snow White, but he had the biggest arc in the movie. At Snow’s funeral, it was Grumpy that put the flowers on Snow. When they are going to kill the Queen, it’s Grumpy that leads the charge.
Snow had a soft spot for Grumpy, but not in this new version she doesn’t. In this version, for the modern audience, Snow has a favorite in… Dopey. Now there is a bit of an arc with Dopey’s character. The others mock him and tease him, because he doesn’t talk. Doc says that just because he’s called Dopey, it doesn’t mean he is Dopey. Really?
Why is Sneezy called Sneezy then? Why is Happy called Happy? Script writing from modern Hollywood, Outposters.
Back to Snow and Dopey. I got the impression that Snow took a liking to Dopey because he was dopey. As we all know, modern women are girl bosses, strong, independent, etc etc. What Snow needs in her life is someone stupider than her, which is a tall (pun intended) order. Of course, she’s going to go for Dopey, all men are dopey next to a girl boss.
The Ending
Most of Snow White is similar to the original. Until the end, when it all goes wrong. There’s the whole apple bit, she dies, and gets kissed back to life, just like they do in every emergency room in the world.
I was surprised at the kiss to be honest, in this day and age, as it was non-consensual. I’m guessing the writers didn’t have enough imagination to change the kiss. Seeing the rest of the movie, I totally understand how the writers had no imagination.
She heads back to face the Evil Queen after escaping from the Evil Queen’s Keystone Cops. As she walks through the town, everyone kind of goes ‘Snow White is back, we’re saved’, and follows her. They must have been some tremendous apple pies!
I Remember!
I don’t remember the original all that much, but I know the dwarves kill the Queen. Not here they don’t. It’s all Snow White, and how does she do it? By remembering people’s names.
There’s a speech about being nice, and the Queen orders a guard to kill Snow. Who does she ask? A different black guy. The Queen orders Snow to be killed twice, and she asks a black guy both times. Talk about the bigotry of low expectations.
Before the black guy can stab Snow White to death in front of the villagers, she remembers his name. She says that he used to be a farmer, not a soldier. Snow then remembers the name of another of the guards and says she used to bake apple pies for him. Everyone then remembers who they are and decides not to listen to the Queen anymore.
The problem is solved. Just remember the names of your subordinates and you’re golden.
Anyways, they can’t kill the Queen, obviously. No one dies in a movie like that, but she ends up in the mirror, ready for a sequel. Ha, like there’s going to be a sequel!
The Cast
Everyone is perfectly average; the only person who stands out is Gal Gadot. She’s having a whale of a time just hamming it up. Playing the bad guy is always more fun, and Gadot runs with it.
Zegler is Zegler, she’s a great singer, she’s an average actor, and a PR nightmare. Whenever I see her, I can’t help thinking ‘Weird, weird!’. She’s a product of the modern generation, thinking they know anything about anything and can just say what they want.
Casting her as Snow White was a ploy by Disney to get a bit of backlash and free advertising. What they didn’t count on was Zegler opening her mouth and talking. That backlash was too much to handle, and the movie was doomed to fail before it hit the screens.
Live Action Remake
I’m not sure why they called this a live-action remake of Snow White when about 80% of it is CGI. The actors are real, well, most of them, I still think Zegler is an AI character. There are some sets, but most of it was shot on green screen. I didn’t see a disclaimer at the end of the movie from the Animal Human Society, saying ‘No animals were harmed in the making of this movie’.
That’s because there were no animals in the making of this movie; they are all CG. Either that or they just didn’t care.
Then there are the seven little nightmares. Again, they didn’t go with actors who could have earned money and paid their bills, and fed their family. Instead, they go with the seven little CG nightmares that will haunt children’s dreams forever.
None of the CGI in Snow White worked; everything looked false. In an animated movie, you can get away with dwarves, looking cut,e and being silly. In this new version, none of them are cute; they just look horrible.
We talked before at the Last Movie Outpost about color saturation. In the original, the movie is bright, beautifu,l and happy, well, until the end. In this new version, there are colourful moments, but the rest of the movie is just toned down and dull.
Overall – Version 1
It depends on how you watch Snow White to how much you’ll enjoy it. Yes, I said enjoy it. If you were watching Snow White as a loving reboot of the original Disney classic, you are going to be disappointed, very disappointed.
I’m still a firm believer that Walt Disney was an artist and entertainer. He didn’t care about demographics or making money, he wanted to make the world’s first full-length animated movie.
What he made was something beautiful, something lovable, and would stand the test of time. Who ever thought they could remake this was the biggest moron in Hollywood, which is saying something. Trying to find a moron in Hollywood is like trying to find a haystack in a needle factory.
This movie was doomed from the start, then there was a perfect storm of everything else that could have gone wrong, went wrong. Zegler talked, Gadot was caught up in the political, and they replaced actors with seven little nightmares.
As a remake of the original, this is an abomination and should be locked in a vault, throw away the key, then drop a bomb on the vault and the ashes collected, and this repeated until the end of time.
Overall – Version 2
I didn’t sit down and watch Snow White for a loving remake, I watched it to see how bad it was. I love cheesy rubbish, and this didn’t disappoint. Snow White is one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a while, and I kind of enjoyed laughing at it.
If I drank, I would have played a drinking game. Take a drink every time you spot bad CG. Maybe take a drink when you notice something for the modern audience. You’ll be kissing your liver goodbye in no time.
Fine, I was hate watching it, but it’s not like it’s a modern masterpiece. If you watch this movie with the intention of picking it to pieces, you’ll have a ball. It’s truly terrible, like a Cannon Films movie. They aren’t good, but you have a good time with them.
You can see Snow White on VoD and then make your own mind up.
