Long-time Outposter and pretty frequent contributor Poopy Pants is back, and he’s got an opinion on Alien: Earth that might set him swimming squarely against the tide. That’s OK. He can take it.
Alien: Earth
I love Alien. It’s still the best horror movie ever made about a guy in a rubber suit. That scene where he sticks his hands out for hugs gets me everytime!
Sure, Aliens swept me off my feet for a while. I even thought it was better than the first. Before James Cameron went full James Cameron – the man’s a genius, but he’s also a bit of a dick – and like a bad second relationship I’ve since crawled back to the old girlfriend and begged forgiveness.
By the time Alien 3 was on the horizon, I was neck-deep in the Dark Horse comics. Nasty, bleak, and way more insightful than they had any right to be.
I still remember a scene where Newt and Hicks are plotting an escape, and the ship’s captain locks them in their rooms “because of a virus.”
Even as a kid I thought, what kind of dipshit falls for that line? Eh?
Then Alien 3 landed. Love it or hate it, it’s a solid flick. Not the sequel we wanted, but it shoved us back to what Alien was about: dread and claustrophobic terror. I even liked
Resurrection. Say what you will about ’90s Hollywood, you cannot deny it was well hung and swinging it proudly.
Then Ridley came back with Prometheus, and I was all in on that fever dream. But everyone else lost their shit complaining that it wasn’t what they wanted. The backlash killed the sequel we could’ve had – the one I actually wanted.
So when Covenant rolled out to please the haters, it pleased nobody. I could rant about that movie for hours… but honestly, it’s not worth the effort.
And then we get Romulus.
A singular film that somehow stitches together Scott’s existential horror and Cameron’s military bug-hunt into one seamless ride. That’s not easy.
I loved watching it. The only stumble? Dragging the original xenomorph into the mix felt like a misfire. I would’ve loved to see it as
the Big Bad all the way through — and imagine if it survived again. Now that would’ve been cool!
Alien: Earth… or rather, the long-awaited Alien TV show… has finally landed. So what is it?
Is it Alien? Is it Aliens? Is it the comics? Is it something new? The answer… yes. And also no.
I’ve got to hand it to them: kudos where it’s due. I used to think I was the top Alien guru in our little underground fandom, the guy who could win an argument about gestation time.
But whoever developed this thing clearly sold their soul to the xeno-gods, because they’ve out-geeked me in ways I didn’t know were possible. I’m genuinely impressed.
The show folds everything in. Humans, scientists, synths, corporate scumbags, the whole catalogue. Then expands it.
We’ve now got cyborgs: enhanced humans… and hybrids: synths with uploaded human consciousness.
At first that sounds like a bold, forward-thinking sci-fi idea, until you give it a minute’s solid thought. Then you realise: this isn’t immortality.
This is the ultimate customer-support horror story. A million torturous deaths on a loop, with tech support rebooting you every time you beg for the sweet release of oblivion.
Nope, you cost too much.
Fark that!
So, the planet’s basically carved up into corporate precincts – the Amazon is actually owned by Amazon, Disneyland is interested in going full Disney World.
A Weyland-Yutani starship crashes into a competitor’s city. Not just any ship. This thing’s a projectile bio-hazard warehouse full of unprocessed party tricks.
Now, technically Yutani can’t just march in and grab their toys back, because that would be, you know, an act of war. Even Yutani knows you can’t ram a ship into someone else’s turf and then say:
“Oops, you don’t mind if we just invade?”
But the owner of that precinct? While he plays it up, in truth he doesn’t give a damn. To him the wreck is basically a piñata stuffed with biotech patents.
So he sends in his synths and human-minded hybrids to salvage every acid dripping bit of it.
And what a salvage.
Aliens, more aliens, and then even more aliens. Not just the sleek xenomorph superstar, but a whole menagerie of nightmares: parasites that shred you, melt you, and can’t wait to fuck your face in more ways than one.
Seriously, is there not a single planet in this universe with kittens or bunnies? Big missed opportunity. Throw in a mogwai that turns into a Gremlin and we’ve got another reboot!
The xenomorph itself… yeah, it looks a bit poxy.
Like it’s been through one too many Comic-Con appearances without a proper performer.
But credit where it’s due, they nailed one thing straight out of the old Dark Horse comics.
It smiles.
And I mean that big, wet, teeth-too-long grin. Oh, how I love that Xeno grin.
And the daylight shots.
Yes, I know. Showing the monster in full daylight is usually the final nail in the coffin for a horror franchise. But I have to admit that I was captivated.
The thing moves like some kind of banshee witch on a sugar high — part-creature, part-folklore nightmare.
It’s wrong for Alien… but here…… well, let’s think about this a second.
Fans are going to be split on this. Some will cry heresy. But let’s be honest: this is a Disney-produced Alien TV show. It could have been a lot worse. No doubt by this time next season we’ll have a Xeno droid telling jokes.
As slow as the show started off, it picked up the pace and found its stride… only to slam into a brick wall.
Yet there is no next episode. Not even a green-lit second season. WTF, m8?
Now I’m watching the reviews roll in, and this thing is getting savaged.
I think that’s dead wrong. In a streaming landscape drowning in algorithm-approved shyte,
Alien: Earth is a genuine gem. It’s a Gemuine. You can feel the thought and effort behind it.
So to all the haters out there: remember what you did to the Prometheus sequel.
Don’t let that happen again. I want to see where this nightmare goes next — not read about it in an art-of-the-series coffee-table book ten years from now.
That, my friends, would be real horror.
4 chestbusters out of 5
