Hawkzino is back with another of his giant spider movie reviews. You wouldn’t think there are so many, but Hawk keeps finding them. This time, it’s Ator – The Fighting Eagle.
Ator – The Fighting Eagle (1982)
A few years ago, Marvel cleverly surmised that people might eventually tire of watching the same regurgitated superhero movie over and over (you think?). Their solution wasn’t to stop making them (don’t be silly) but to position each movie in a different genre.
For example, Captain America: The Winter Soldier was a political conspiracy thriller, Guardians of the Galaxy was a Star Wars space fantasy and Spider-man: Homecoming was a John Hughes-style teen dramedy.
They’re still superhero movies, but a change is as good as a rest, you know?
Well, I’ve decided to do my own version of this for giant spider movies. We’re eleven reviews into my giant spider series, and I don’t want you to get bored or jaded, so I present to you a giant spider movie from a genre we haven’t seen before: sword and sorcery!
Ator, the Fighting Eagle is a cheap but still kind of cool looking Italian fantasy flick, starring a Conan-lite main character called Ator who looks like Stiffler from American Pie attending a fancy dress party as the lead singer of Manowar. He’s glorious.
He’s not a normal person, of course. He’s the chosen one, there’s a prophecy (there’s always a prophecy, it’s obligatory in this genre). A lengthy voiceover begins unironically with ‘And lo…’ and contains the phrase ‘for it is written.’ Oh yeah, by who? Can we be sure they weren’t a complete lunatic?
Let The Prophesying Begin
The prophecy states that something called the ‘Kingdom of the Spider’ exists, which is different to the one William Shatner found himself in a few reviews ago. This Kingdom is some kind of Third Reich with sandals that has lasted a thousand years and is led by a man called the spider king.
But their millennia is up, and ‘it is written’ (citation needed) that a man will come, and his name is Torin, and he will challenge the spider king, and he will…fail? Wait, is that right? *Rewinds* Yep, it’s correct, but never fear because the prophesying isn’t finished.
It is also written that Torin will have a son (source?), and he will be named Ator, and he’ll be the one to fulfil the prophecy of overthrowing the spider king and defeating something called the Ancient One.
I don’t know about you, but I’m a firm believer that prophecies should be succinct. Keeping it short creates impact. This one could do with a rewrite. The dad’s a superfluous character, cut him out. He doesn’t even appear in the movie, for God’s sake.
Also, it’s too specific. Prophecies should be vague and frustrating, but this one is an outright snitch because it provides Ator’s enemies with his name, parentage, and key information such as his distinctive birthmark (a real boon to his potential murderers).
There are also plenty of portents that warn the spider king when the chosen one has been born, such as the earth trembling, the sky turning the colour of flame, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria (that last part might be from Ghostbusters, I’m getting confused).
Lastly, the spider king keeps a massive statue of an eagle’s head, and ‘it is written’ (trust me, bro) that the eagle will bleed from its eyes when the chosen one is born, which it does, so I guess that’s a clue.
Man, they are prophesising the shit out of this movie.
Ator, The Early Years
Given that the spider king has quite a lot of information to go on, his plan for finding Ator involves sending out soldiers on an indiscriminate rampage to kill babies. No checking for birth marks, no asking their mum if it’s a boy, and subtly enquiring what his name is. None of that.
His plan is to kill every baby and then just assume that one of them must have been Ator without any evidence whatsoever. Then he chills out for twenty years while Ator grows into a big-haired roid monster ready to fulfil the prophecy and marry his sister.
Let’s rewind a little. Just after his birth, Ator is taken from his mother by a wise man called Griba. Griba removes Ator’s birthmark with a magic powder (looks like talc to me) and gives him to a couple who also have a newborn daughter, called Sunya. Her father wanted a son anyway, so it’s all good.
Fast forward a couple of decades, and Ator is now a fully grown hair metal enthusiast with a major crush on Sunya. She loves him back but knows they can’t get married because it is icky forbidden. Ator, however, isn’t dissuaded and tells her, ‘I’ll talk with our father.’ OUR father. I don’t know, man, that sounds like a hard sell to me.
Surprisingly, their father is happy that his two kids want to marry each other. When Ator questions why, he smiles and blurts out ‘She is not your sister!’ It’s hilarious.
I mean…I get that it solves their inbreeding problem, but it’s still a gigantic bombshell to drop on the guy. He didn’t know he was adopted until that moment.
And anyway, so what if they’re not related by blood? They were still raised together as brother and sister. It’s still seriously fucked up icky. Ator seems okay with it, though, saying ‘Now you can be my parents for a second time.’ Jesus.
Let’s Get This Movie Started – Part 1
Side note: I love how there’s a five-second pause before Ator speaks every line, as if his brain is running Windows 98. I’ll just put it down to the shock of the whole situation.
Oh yeah, he also gives Sunya a pet bear cub called Kiog. Unusual pet sidekicks are another sword and sorcery staple, and it’s great to see it alive and well here.
Griba is still hanging around like Obi-Wan Kenobi with a fringe, spying on Ator from afar. One of the spider king’s soldiers sees him and reports back to the spider king. It seems they have a history, and the spider king orders Griba to be killed.
I should make it clear that the spider king isn’t an actual spider. He’s a man with a magnificent voice and a tarantula fetish. Every time we see him, he’s stroking one, with another sitting on his arm or perched atop his shiny bald head. They are regular-sized tarantulas, but never fear, a giant spider does appear in this movie eventually.
To find Griba, the spider king’s tactics are typically cunning: he sends soldiers into the village during Ator and Sunya’s wedding to indiscriminately murder everyone and burn the village to the ground.
I mean…he could have just asked. He’s only after one guy, and he’s not even a guest at the wedding. He knows what Griba looks like, so it’s not like he has to kill everyone to be sure.
But at least the massacre gives Ator the necessary motivation to begin his quest and fulfil his destiny. He can’t do that if he’s settled into a life of domestic bliss with his sister wife.
The spider king kidnaps Sunya. Ator is knocked unconscious, and when he comes around, everyone else is dea,d apart from Kiog (thank God the baby bear is okay).
Training Montage Alert
Now that the coast is clear, Griba reveals himself to Ator and does what every wise master does in situations like this: he begins a training montage.
If only life were as simple as a training montage. I would have written this review in less than a minute to the tune of an inspirational soft rock power ballad, with only a few quick cuts to indicate the passing of time. Weird how movies skip over the grind to advance the story. In real life, the grind is the story, but I digress.
At the end of the montage, Ator sees a woman being pursued by three men, so he beats them up and throws them in the river. Griba nods approvingly as if to say ‘your training is now complete’ and disappears from the movie for half an hour. The rescued woman, Roon, is seriously hot and a thief. The men were chasing her because she had robbed them.
Roon is no damsel in distress, but a feisty warrior from a tribe of warrior women and would have defeated the men even without Ator’s help. Such female characters were common in the sword and sorcery movies of the 1980s, but nobody made a big deal about it back then.
Her character seems much more natural than the forced ‘strong woman’ archetype that has infested every corner of popular culture in modern times. I wouldn’t insult Roon by calling her a ‘strong woman.’ She’s more like a raging sociopath.
Ator Abducted By Women, Part 1
Shortly after, Roon’s tribe kidnaps Ator and stages a battle royale where the women fight over who gets to boink him (pardon my French).
They need a man to produce their next queen, and then they’ll kill him. This behaviour is similar to many spider species, which I’m sure is a coincidence that the filmmakers were unaware of, but sometimes the universe provides.
Roon wins the battle royale, but instead of ravaging Ator, she elects to join him on his quest. Another popular sword and sorcery trope involves a sidekick pledging his or her life to our hero after he saves their life, but Roon gives it a Roon-like twist. She doesn’t give a shit about life debts or doing the right thing, she just wants the gold from the spider king’s temple. Everyone’s a winner.
Side note: I have a major crush on her even though she’s bad news and would ruin my life. I know how those male orb weavers in ‘Eight Legged Freaks’ feel now.
Oh, wait, we haven’t got to that one yet. Basically, they’re simp spiders who bring the female gifts in the hope that she’ll mate with them and not murder them afterwards.
Ator Abducted By Women, Part 2
They escape Barbieland with the help of Kiog, who distracts the guard dogs (he’s smarter than the average bear). Roon then bathes naked in a stream, but the camera is so far away that I ended up with a shooting pain in my head from the eye strain.
Has the 4k version of this movie been released yet? Anyway, the framing of the shot creates the impression that Ator is spying on her from afar, but he isn’t because he’s devoted to his sister-wife.
Ator is then abducted by ANOTHER woman (we’ve all been there), a seductive sorceress called Indun, who lures him to her cave by pretending to be Sunya.
She drugs him and shows him a fake vision of Sunya cuddling up to the spider king and partaking in his spider fetish (stroking tarantulas). I think he got off lightly. She could have shown Sunya doing way worse than that.
Anyway, Kiog distracts Indun while Roon uncovers a mirror. When Indun looks into the mirror, we see her true self. Imagine Zelda from Terrahawks mating with the vindaloo monster from Red Dwarf, and you won’t be too far out.
Ator comes to his senses and leaves, but Indun swears a curse on him (which is just empty threats; we don’t see her again). We then get a boring scene with Ator and Roon walking slowly through a misty jungle dubbed ‘the land of the walking dead’ while being stalked by…zombies, I suppose.
You can’t see them very well, and despite them wielding swords, they never attack. What a waste of time (says the guy dedicating his life to giant spider movies).
Which reminds me, there is a giant spider in this movie. Honestly. Not long now.
Let’s Get This Movie Started, Part 2
Ator and Roon end up at an inn where they are served a giant sharing bowl of…chickpeas, it looks like. Appetising. Roon starts a bar fight because she’s like that.
Ator leaves her to it because Griba has returned! Griba reveals Ator’s birthmark and tells him he is Torin’s son, which he should have done half an hour ago. The two episodes of Ator being captured by women were a load of filler that meant nothing. Now his quest can actually start.
Griba tells Ator to journey to the Volcano of Shadows and retrieve the Shield of Mordor (Tolkien’s estate is lawyering up as we speak). Then he must travel to the Temple of the Spider and defeat the Ancient One, which is a giant spider. I hope he’s writing all this down because Ator’s Windows 98 brain looks like it’s about to bluescreen.
Ator and Roon arrive at the Volcano of Shadows and travel through the Caverns of the Blind Warriors (what’s with all these stupid names for things?). The blind warriors are literally blind and resemble the remaining members of Manowar. They work as blacksmiths, which is an accident waiting to happen.
You might be wondering why they are all blind. Good, because I am too. I guess we’ll all have to suffer. One funny moment features a blind warrior testing a sword by swinging it around and nearly taking Ator’s head off with it. I was reminded of Blinkin from Robin Hood: Men in Tights, the optically challenged guy who has a sword fight with a pillar.
Ator and Roon sneak past Blinkin and Co. and retrieve the shield of copyright. It’s a mirror shield that casts a bright light even underground. The light creates a swordsman made of shadow that attacks Ator. How do you kill a shadow? Turn off the lights of course, which is what Roon does by covering the mirror. Ator’s peanut brain hadn’t figured that out. He was still trying to kill a shadow.
The blind warriors attack them on the way out, and Ator kills a few, which is rather unsporting of him. They’re blind.
Betrayal!
Ator and Roon gain access to the spider king’s temple way too easily. The spider king knows Ator is alive at this point and is preparing for his arrival (his eagle statue started bleeding from the eyes again – thanks a lot). I just thought he would have put more men on the gate.
Ator and Roon defeat the guards. Ator uncovers the shield, and the spider king explodes for some reason. The shadow swordsman doesn’t reappear, so I don’t know what that was all about. Ator finds Sunya tied up in a spider web that is clearly made from rope, and behind her is the Ancient One.
That’s right, after one hour and twenty-two minutes, we get our first look at the movie’s giant spider. It is half hidden around a corner, presumably to keep the puppeteers out of shot, and constantly moves its legs without achieving forward momentum.
Ator is about to free Sunya when Griba arrives. It transpires that he used to be the High Priest of the spider, which I believe is the same thing as the spider king. Griba has been using Ator to overthrow the current spider king so he can get his job back and take his place at the Ancient One’s side.
Wow, that’s playing the long game. But if that’s the case, why did Griba tell Ator the full prophecy (that he had to kill the Ancient One)? Given that Ator wasn’t checking references, Griba could have lied and told him that the prophecy was to kill the spider king only. Once Ator had dispatched him, Griba could have patted him on the back and said something along these lines:
‘Well done, Ator. Prophecy fulfilled. Here’s your sister, off you go. Spider? What spider? Oh, that spider – the one that’s half-hidden around the corner and appears to lack forward momentum. Don’t worry about that, it’s my pet. What do you mean it’s weird? You’ve got a pet bear.
The spider king stole him from me years ago and now we’re finally reunited, thanks to you. Aren’t you happy for me? You are? Thanks, that means a lot. Now off you go and marry your sister. Okay fine, she’s not your sister, whatever. The door’s that way.’
Instead, Griba reveals his entire evil plan and loses the subsequent sword fight with Ator, which means his training montage has come back to bite him on the arse as well.
Ator frees Sunya by untying the rope, which is strange because I thought the rope was meant to be web, just made with rope by the production team, but it seems that it was actually rope, just tied into a web shape by the spider king. I don’t know.
Showdown With The Ancient One
Ator faces the Ancient One on the steps of an amphitheatre. Like much of this movie, it’s a lovely setting but a terrible scene. We only see the spider close-up, flailing its legs, but not threatening Ator in any way. They could have at least mounted it on a VW Beetle and driven it around like in The Giant Spider Invasion, but nooooo. Ator shines the mirror shield in its face, but it doesn’t do anything except dazzle it, and you don’t need a magic shield for that. Anyway, Ator kills it. You probably guessed.
Ator returns to the temple where Roon lies dying. She was holding off the soldiers while Ator rescued Sunya, but I don’t think we can consider this a character arc where she finally does the right thing. When they first arrive at the temple, Roon finds the treasure and basically says ‘bye!’ to Ator. She only fights because she gets cornered by the guards.
I believe the moviemakers intended for her to have an arc, as well as a crush on Ator, but it isn’t executed well because both actors have the emoting capabilities of mahogany. I prefer to believe that she is an uncompromising, emotionless cutthroat until the end (what’s the matter with me?).
The movie ends with Ator and Sunya skipping through the woods hand-in-hand while what sounds like a demo version of Sheena Easton’s ‘For Your Eyes Only’ plays on the soundtrack. It’s not bad, actually.
Rating: 4 spider legs out of 8.