We love it when you guys, our beloved Outposters, share your opinions. With a summer of big movies now rolling, there are sure to be lots of opinions on all sorts of films floating around out there. Write ’em up and send ’em in! See your name in lights. Like long time Outposter Poopy Pants here. He has seen Jurassic World: Rebirth and he wants to tell you all about it.
How does his opinion differ from Hawkzino’s review? Read on to find out…
Jurassic World: Rebirth
I have a confession. I think Jurassic Park and The Lost World are just ok films. Great visuals. The first dinosaur shot was magic, the T-rex scene was tremendous. But that’s it for me. I generally find Jurassic Park films to be pretty lifeless. Especially the last two entries.
Then we get to Jurassic Park III. Now we’re talking.
I love that mess. It’s pure monster island madness. Cheese thicker than your mom’s hole crackin’ home made pizza. A main big bad dinosaur that I’m sure every kid had as a little plastic toy. William H Macy’s is as mesmerising as an ILM effect, and Sam Neill dying inside. I respect that. The man hated every moment, but still showed up and delivered his Shakespeare.
But let’s talk about that ending for a sec. Here’s how I think it went down behind the scenes:
(Studio exec barges in)…
“We’re over budget, over schedule, and this film’s got no script. How much longer till we wrap?”
“… we could end it… here?”
“Here?”
“Yeah, here. On the beach. During the final confrontation. You know, mid-scene. Before any of the tension pays off.”
“Perfect. Wrap it. Ship it. Fire everyone.”
Jurassic World: Rebirth is the final scene from Jurassic Park III: The Movie.
Over 2 hours of cinematic whiplash so jarring it feels like someone edited it blindfolded, and with a hammer. Scenes just crash into each other like drunk women at a wedding. The tone shifts so hard you can hear the clutch grinding.
I hate this movie. I hate it so much, if my brain cancer scan comes back positive, I’m suing Amblin and Universal. This is the worst film I’ve seen since… well, since Gareth Edwards’ last cinematic crime against humanity. In fact I’ve hated every movie this guy has made. Except for Rogue One, He did a fine job on that one. The stories of him being sent out for coffee during editing didn’t seem to impact that film too harshly.
The last Jurassic Park film was diarrhea, and being diarrhea, I should’ve known better. How many times have you thought it was over? You stand up, feeling hopeful, maybe even proud… and then suddenly – oh no. You’re yanking your pants back down just in time to hear the sploosh of ass-vomit hitting the water, cannon-balling the bowl and most probably a good portion of your ass as well.
That’s this movie. A surprise second wave of shame, regret, and hot regretful backsplash.
Scarlett sure is easy on the eyes, sure, but somewhere along the way she decided she was starring in a slow-burn art house film about grief, trauma, and the existential burden of surviving dinosaurs. She’s fantasizing her Oscar speech now. Don’t write anything Scarlet, just go up and act like you didn’t expect it.
We’ve got two storylines running side by side, neither with a single clue what the other one’s doing. There’s no spine, no arc, just a pile of scenes hoping you’re too distracted by CGI to notice the narrative’s in a coma.
And holding it all together? The score. Oh dear god, the score. Every emotional beat, every awkward pause, every eyebrow raise has a musical sting to go with it. This isn’t John Williams gently weaving magic, this is Jurassic Park: The Toddlers Animated Series on meth. It’s not scoring, it’s audio vandalism.
So after an hour of NOTHING, for reasons discussed but never explained, they are on their way to the island. This all changes quickly as they are attacked by fish dinosaurs. I counted about 20 chomps at dangling screaming characters. All misses. These sea monsters couldn’t bite a couch if they were sitting on it.
Then people start falling overboard like it’s a contest. One by one, after the other as the boat power blasts along. There’s sure to be some distance between them all. One of the kid girl characters glares at a mean man mid-fall, and shes like, “You let me die,” And he’s like Bitch, you tripped over your own stupidity. This ain’t cliffhanger, this is Looney Tunes with body counts.
Then the line:
“We have to jump! The boat’s going to crash!”
Crash into what? The water? It’s the f**king ocean. Oh wait—there it is. The shoreline. At least a mile away.
Cue everyone screaming. Cue musical panic:
DUNNNNNN!!!
The composers cat jumped on the keyboard.
But don’t worry, every single character washes up on the beach perfectly fine. No wounds, no trauma, just a clean slate for another 45 minutes of dino dumbassery.
Oh shit, one of the main characters out of nowhere actually gets eaten so, for a brief second, I thought, “Damn… that could’ve hit.”
But then the film kicks into full melodrama mode, slow-mo faces, weepy close-ups, and a score so over-the-top it sounds like the composer thought someone was dying for real. I felt guilty for not feeling anything, like the movie was gaslighting me for not sobbing over a character who barely had two facial expressions and no backstory.
Now nothing’s changed, except they’re wet, upset, and the stakes are allegedly higher.
Fuck all this, lets cut through this fence that is big enough to step through and venture into that tall grass. Oh shit, there’s something lurking in the tall grass. After a few suspicious rustles and creepy noises, we see dino worms. Not one, not two, but fifty dino worms… oh wait they’re not dino worms at all, they’re tails and they belong to building-sized, four-legged, long-necked dinosaurs. Shit they’re enormous. Wait, what? How?
Cue John Williams theme. The characters emote, even the fucking dinosaurs emote. Honestly, these dinos have better chemistry than anyone in the whole damn movie.
Remember the mean man who let the kid girl fall into the water. Scarlett has some words for him, words like:
“Hey, you were nearest that kid girl when she fell off the boat. Why didn’t you save her? I’d better not find out you let her fall in on purpose without saving her.”
I’m not joking she said this. Sure enough the kid girl turns up pissed off that the mean man let her fall in the water, and Scarlet ain’t having a fucking bar of it! Watch her run and power slide on the gravel several times.
There’s a scene so dumb it feels like a dare. A T-Rex’s about to eat a kid – cool, makes sense – then poof, it vanishes mid-attack like the VFX guy rage-quit and no one noticed. Seconds later, it’s back, stumbling for a drink and a morning piss. Then it dives into the river that, from above, looks like ankle-deep rapids, but Underwater? Suddenly, it’s the Mariana Trench. Rocks? Gone. Current? Flowing the other way. It’s like the movie hired three different interns to render one scene and none of them talked to each other.
Am I watching a Hollywood action scene, or am I having a stroke?
I have to talk about this one scene in particular. Seriously, go see the movie just for this one scene. You’re not gonna believe this…
The teenage boyfriend of the kid girl? He goes to take a piss. Only, he doesn’t go for a piss. Nope, he goes for a pull. That’s right, he jacks it right there on screen. Goes right next to the camera, pulls it out, and goes to town. Facial contortions, moans, terrible score.
Then—directly into the camera, 3d style. Splat! I’m not kidding. This kid splooges over the camera lens. Through some movie sorcery that I am impervious to, no one else in the theatre saw it.
It HAPPENED, God as my witness, exactly as I say!
Alright, I gotta wrap this dumpster fire up. This movie sucks. I hated it. No, I hated it. Like, deeply, soul-crushingly hated it.
But hey, Poopy, tell us something good, right?
Fine… credit where it’s due: the VFX? Solid. The dinosaurs? Gorgeous. The Rancor monster? Completely pointless, but I have a Frenchie so I kind of loved the idea of a giant, mentally-challenged downie dino just wanting to make friends. It’s sweet in a way this movie didn’t deserve.
Seriously though, this movie is a flaming bag of turds. I can’t help but recommend you sneak in about an hour and marvel at the teenage boyfriend’s full-blown fap scene. Trust me, it’s unforgettable.
This movie scores a five, but they are 5 big, steaming dino turds.
