Snowbeast (1977) is the latest entry in the The Last Movie Outpost series on made-for-TV horror movies. So far, we have looked at…
The Intruder Within, Midnight Offerings, Curse of the Black Widow, Satan’s Triangle, Killdozer, Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell , Invitation to Hell, Summer of Fear, Savages, Moon of the Wolf, The Initiation of Sarah, Crowhaven Farm and A Cold Night’s Death.
Snowbeast is a veritable WHO’s WHO of numerous people. It stars Bo Svenson (The Great Waldo Pepper, Laser Mission), Yvette Mimieux (The Time Machine, The Black Hole), Robert Wagner lookalike, Robert Logan (Snowbeast, The Further Adventures of the Wilderness Family), Clint Walker (The Dirty Dozen, The Love Boat) and Sylvia Sidney (Sabotage, Beetlejuice).
Herb Wallerstein directed. He oversaw production on Alien and later got murdered. I kid you not. Read about the crime here.
Joseph Stefano wrote the screenplay. Stefano is best known for his work on Psycho and the original The Outer Limits. Ralph Macchio played him once (Hitchcock).
With a title like Snowbeast, you know what you’re getting. Shall we take a look at this clump of 1970s fondue cheese? You bet! Or should I say…you Yeti!
Snowbeast
Two women ski. You can tell they are women because they are indecisive. One wants to keep skiing. The other wants to go back to the lodge because she has a bad feeling about things. This feeling proves to be true. A Yeti lumbers out of the woods and attacks the other woman.
Note, when I say a Yeti lumbers out of the woods, what I mean to say is that the camera pretends to be the beastie via MONSTER POV.
Proving their friendship as solid as any relationship between two women in a PTA group, the lass with the bad feeling abandons her companion to a big, Wampa-like hand.
Cut to a bustling ski resort. A festive winter carnival kicks off. Sylvia Sidney announces events over a PA: cross-country skiing, snowmobiling, dog-sledding and alpine skiing. She also warns people to not step on any of the testicles that litter the ground due to all of the men freezing them off.
That didn’t happen. I made that up. Yet, I speak from experience as a Minnesotan.
Judging by the raspiness of Sylvia’s voice, one can judge her consumption of cigarettes to be somewhere between three to four packs an hour. One imagines her urine smells like Latakia.
KGSnowBeast
Ski Patrol Dude zips in on a snowmobile. He tells Robert Logan about the accident that befell the two women (Logan manages the ski resort; Sylvia is his grandmother and the owner).
Robert hops on the back of the snowmobile, and Ski Patrol Dude takes off. I’d rather walk than ride behind another man on a snowmobile. Even married couples don’t go to that level of intimacy. To make matters worse, Robert actually puts his arms around Ski Patrol Dude’s waist.
Even Charles Nelson Reilly would recognize that act crosses a line.
Robert talks to the surviving woman. When he hears her story about something stalking her on the mountain, he dismisses it as a case of the female vapors. Robert sends her back to the lodge and tells her not to say a word to anyone. It might ruin the winter carnival.
Robert embarks on a search of the area to see if there is any validity to the surviving girl’s story. He finds broken skis and a bloody jacket. He hears a roar and catches a distant glimpse of the Snowbeast lurking in the trees. It looks a bit like Andre the Giant wearing a sheepskin.
For all we know, it could be Andre the Giant wearing a sheepskin. How is a man that size supposed to function in society? He would likely prefer to roam free in the country, not tortured by regular-sized furniture and subsisting of whatever skiers stumble into his territory.
That is the exact type of scenario that inspired Jack in the Beanstalk.
SnowBeastmaster
Bo Svenson and Yvette Mimieux arrive. They are an unhappily married couple. Bo is a former Olympic champion who can’t adjust to normal life. Yvette is a woman who yearns. Apparently, being married to a 6’6 Swedish gold medalist is not enough. Yvette would fit right in with modern women!
Meanwhile, Logan and Sylvia argue about the appropriate course of action. Logan wants to do something about their Snowbeast problem. Sylvia wants to keep it on the down-low until after the winter carnival. The town and resort need the tourism dollars.
They settle on making warning signs. I know what you’re wondering. Do they let Polly do the printing? One can only hope. Hendricks certainly doesn’t have the penmanship for it…
Logan talks to Bo and Yvette. They are old friends. Bo needs a job, and Logan says, “Not anymore you don’t.” Logan then tells Yvette he has forgotten how beautiful she is. Apparently, Logan has the survival instincts of a panda. Who hits on a woman while her 6’6 Swedish husband is around? That is how you get pounded into a meatball.
While all of this happens, Ski Patrol Dude goes off to search for the missing girl. The length of this ski sequence is roughly three times longer than the entire skiing sequence from For Your Eyes Only. Okay, that is an exaggeration…but not by much.
For some reason, Ski Patrol Dude crashes and desperately clings to the side of a…gentle slope. He gets grabbed by a Wampa-like hand. Whump-whump.
The SnowBeast From 20,000 Fathoms
The body of the dead girl is located. The Snowbeast stashed her in a barn. This brings up interesting questions about Snowbeast. Is he smart enough to prefer living in a barn, as opposed to a cave? Or is he perhaps sorry for what he did, and this is an attempt to undo his crime by returning the girl back to the human world from which she came? Maybe undocumented immigrants forced him from his land?
Alas, we may never know. This cruel world is not friendly toward Snowbeast sympathizers.
On a brighter note, Clint Walker enters the movie. He is the sheriff of the town. Logan wants to talk to Clint about their Snowbeast problem. The combined machismo of Clint and Bo give Snowbeast a testosterone factor of 12 Drops of John Wayne’s Ball Sweat.
Snowbeast starts to jump around a bit. Next thing you know, Logan and Yvette have a drink together. They are old flames. To say their relationship is weird is an understatement. They openly talk about still loving each other and fantasizing about one another.
And Bo seems totally okay with all of this. Bo even jokes about seeing Logan kiss Yvette. Suddenly, the way Logan rides pillion on a snowmobile makes a lot more sense. Yikes.
All of this leads to Logan asking Bo an important question, man-to-cuck.
“Are you still a good marksman?”
Before we get an answer, Sylvia calls Logan away, probably to consult with him on how they can more closely follow the plot of Jaws. Logan tells Bo to meet him at the swimming pool in an hour. Maybe this will allow them to add SCUBA tanks to the movie…
Snowbeast Mode
The swimming pool meeting happens roughly ten seconds later. This makes little sense narrative-wise. The only explanation is a commercial break likely happened here in the original broadcast.
Logan wants Bo to shoot the Snowbeast. Bo is very offended by this. Such an odd man. Make a pass at his wife, and he is into it. Ask him to kill a murderous beast, and he draws a line.
Yvette goes skiing. Her knitted cap looks like it was constructed with enough yarn to supply 10,000 grandmothers for a calendar year. The skiing scenes are nicely filmed, however. It’s no wonder that the movie draws these sequences out to an interminable degree.
One would guess the second unit took care of the skiing scenes. Michael Grillo was the second-unit director on Snowbeast. Grillo has an impressive credits list: The Towering Inferno, Young Frankenstein, The Deer Hunter, Silverado, and more. Guess what he produces today? Marvel films. He was producer on Ant-Man, The Winter Soldier, and Endgame.
Yvette spots Snowbeast tracks and follows them. She eventually stumbles on the blood trail of Ski Patrol Dude. For whatever reason, she decides to stay on the slopes all night and eventually seek shelter in the barn where the Snowbeast stashes his victims. Genius!
In between all of this, Logan and Clint discuss hunting Snowbeast down. Bo goes to visit the local high school as a PR stunt. The high school is buzzing with a band and people mucking about as they celebrate the winter carnival. Uh-oh, MONSTER POV enters the picture…
Ten Nights of the Snowbeast
Bo is flocked by kids in the school. He mimes being a conductor for the band… twice. One can tell Wallerstein left Bo out to dry here, as Bo tries to ad-lib his way through a chaotic environment. It would have been an annoying scene to film, a bunch of teenage extras ditty-bopping about a gymnasium and pretending to do random celebration things. Might as well herd cats.
Snowbeast smashes a window and shows its face. It still looks like Andre the Giant in a sheepskin. Panic ensues. Snowbeast kills a woman in a vehicle because she forgot to drive away.
Two coroners pontificate:
What a mess. How we gonna write this one up?
I don’t know…
You and me both, Mr. Coroners.
Bo learns Yvette took to the slopes and has not returned. Bo overcomes his fear of skis, puts them on, and goes out to look for her. Apparently, Bo had not skied since the Olympics because success was too traumatic…or something.
Do you know who should have a genuine fear of skis? Clint! Let’s take a break from Snowbeast to mention a real-life ski accident involving Clint.
Clint had a skiing accident at Mammoth Mountain, California in 1971. He took a tumble and came to an abrupt stop where he GOT PIERCED THROUGH THE HEART WITH HIS SKI POLE! Clint was taken to the hospital and actually PRONOUNCED DEAD! However, a doctor detected faint signs of life, got Clint into surgery, and fixed his damaged heart. Clint was back to work within two months.
Beauty and the Snowbeast
Bo eventually finds Yvette sleeping in the barn. They reaffirm their love for one another. If they disturbed George Lazenby and Diana Rigg, that scene was left on the cutting room floor.
Alas, this tender moment is ruined when Bo and Yvette discover the body parts of a ripped-apart Ski Patrol Dude. Snowbeast attacks the barn. It roars, pounds at the door, and sticks an arm through the window. Whatever will Bo and Yvette do!?
Nothing. Clint and Logan arrive on snowmobiles and frighten Snowbeast away.
As Snowbeast flees, he passes the surprised trio of Roger Rose, Dean Cameron, and David Naughton. Just kidding. That doesn’t happen. It is a deep-cut reference for fans of stupid ski comedies.
A near accident is caught on film here, as well. As Bo and Yvette exit the barn, Bo accidentally knocks a pair of antlers down that hangs above the door. They almost impale Yvette’s beautiful skull. Yvette is a trooper, however. She knows the cameras are rolling and doesn’t miss a beat.
Fantastic Snowbeasts And Where to Find Them
Before we dive into the final act, we must address Ski Patrol Dude one more time. They have a funeral on a mountainside for him, complete with a five-gun salute. I did not know ski patrol members rated such honors. Apparently, they are on the level of Canadian Mounties or something.
Speaking of which, do you have to be gay to be a Canadian Mountie, or is bisexual good enough?
Anyway, Bo, Yvette, Logan, and Clint saddle up in a pickup camper to go up into the mountains and end the Snowbeast threat for good. Surprisingly, the camper is not named Orca.
The next scene has Bo, Yvette, Logan, and Clint cruising through the woods in snowmobiles. Where did the snowmobiles come from? Were they packed in the camper? Wow. That camper can carry as much gear as a character in Skyrim.
At one point, Yvette makes food. Logan compliments her eyes and asks why she decided not to marry him. Yvette said Bo needed her more. They decide to be friends and kiss on the lips, you know like I do with all my female friends, all the time.
Snowbeast attacks the camper with a pile of logs stacked on a hill that the camper strategically parked under. Clint is murdered. Bo, Yvette, and Logan retreat to the barn. Snowbeast is really getting a lot of production value out of that barn.
Bo, Yvette, and Logan then leave the barn to return to the camper. Don’t you love it when these kind of movies go in circles? Suffice it to say, the three of them manage to murder-death-kill Snowbeast and stand over its dead body — a victorious threesome.
Probably the wrong choice of words there…
Snowbeast: The End
Snowbeast is a janky movie. When it isn’t copying Jaws beat for beat (it even has a scene where Bo and Clint discuss cutting a bear open to see if it ate the victims), the film is filled with lengthy ski sequences that are nice to look at but do nothing to further the plot.
Can’t give Snowbeast high marks. Yet, I also can’t say I didn’t have fun watching it. At the end of the day, it got us to come here, get together, and have a few laughs. It may be cold in Snowbeast land, but our hearts are warm with the memories it gave us…
