It’s incredible how far the Academy Awards have fallen. The Oscars used to be the biggest fixture of the year for any movie fan.

Tonight, I genuinely forgot it was on until things started appearing in feeds. Even then, it wasn’t on the home page, or on the “World News” section of one of the top news outlets here.

It was buried, below the fold, on the “US News” page about four clicks deep.

There you have to scroll past endless images of emancipated meat puppets in truly awful dresses to see who won what.

Oscars

More column inches are given over to Ryan Gosling singing as Ken and to the goody bags than to any technical appreciation of the art of movies.

$170,000 in value and including a $57,000 trip to a luxury chalet in the Swiss Alps, and a Rubik’s Cube, in case you were wondering.

As Lash Fary, founder of Los Angeles-based marketing company Distinctive Assets, who has put together the goody bags for 22 years, says:

“They’re so famous and their names have such value and such cachet and that’s exactly what they can bring to these products,”

Work harder for your week in Cabo, plebs!

Who Won What?

No real surprises. Oppenheimer won absolutely everything worth winning, with the exception of Emma Stone winning for Poor Things.

The Barbie pity-f@ck failed to launch, outside of a song.

Oscars

Nobody got slapped. Here is the list:

Best Picture: Oppenheimer

Best Director: Christopher Nolan, Oppenheimer

Best Actor: Cillian Murphy, Oppenheimer

Best Supporting Actor: Robert Downey Jr, Oppenheimer

Best Original Score: Ludwig Goransson, Oppenheimer

Best Cinematography: Hoyte van Hoytema, Oppenheimer

Best Film Editing: Jennifer Lame, Oppenheimer

Oscars

Best Actress: Emma Stone, Poor Things

Best Costume Design: Poor Things

Best Production Design: Poor Things

Best Make-up and Hairstyling: Poor Things

Best International Feature Film: The Zone Of Interest

Best Sound: Tarn Willers and Johnnie Burn, The Zone of Interest

Best Supporting Actress: Da’vine Joy Randolph, The Holdovers

Best Original Song: Billie Eilish and Finneas, What Was I Made For, Barbie

Best Adapted Screenplay: American Fiction

Best Original Screenplay: Anatomy Of A Fall

Best Visual Effects: Godzilla Minus One

Best Documentary Feature Film: 20 Days In Mariupol

Best Documentary Short Film: The Last Repair Shop

Best Animated Film: The Boy And The Heron

Best Animated Short Film: War is Over! Inspired By The Music Of John & Yoko

Best Live Action Short Film: The Wonderful Story Of Henry Sugar

The Oscars After Party

John Cena appeared naked on stage, and Al Pacino had clearly had enough of this shit so skipped reading out the best picture nominee and went straight to the winner.

So now they will spread out across town to attend a stunning array of truly awful parties.

When you consider how dull, contrived and controlled the public face of Hollywood is these days can you imagine the sheer hell of something like the Vanity Fair party?

Where the hell is Oliver Reed when you need him?

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